- The things that annoy a person.
- I have a List.
- Which, I know, is shocking to you.
- It’s not like I keep little notebooks of lists.
- Okay, yeah, I do.
- Those small Field Notes notebooks.
- (Which, if I’m being honest, do not have the best paper.)
- Mostly, they contain grocery lists.
- I don’t have like, a Black Book.
- Full of grievances.
- But …
- I can make a list if need be at any moment.
- Like in High Fidelity, only not in any particular order.
- Making Top 5 lists requires mental gymnastics that threaten to derail the whole endeavor.
- “So what now, Mr. Editor Guy?” you’re thinking.”What are you annoyed by?”
- Nevermind that.
- I saw this thing on Instagram this morning.
- This cheesy quote thing about Paris.
- It had the commas outside the quotation marks.
- Which made my eye twitch.
- My good eye.
- Grammar matters, people.
- The grammar goeth before the Fall.
- I have firm ideas about written communication.
- Theories and laws.
- The first being, what is its purpose?
- To Communicate.
- It isn’t to show off how smart you are.
- It’s to convey an idea or piece of information.
- That should be done as simply as possible.
- You’re trying to get two people to come together in understanding.
- Don’t get me wrong, there’s a place to use .25-cent words.
- Probably.
- There’s value in learning new words, expanding your vocabulary.
- Words are awesome.
- But remember why you’re there.
- Who. What. When. Where. WHY. How.
- Don’t be a communicative gatekeeper.
- You want them to remember you, or remember what you’re trying to say?
- With great power comes great responsibility.
- Complaining about grammar and then complaining about not keeping it accessible seem to be ideas at odds.
- I never claimed to be consistent.
- I also don’t claim to speak for anyone but myselves.
- What you should be doing right now is asking, “Editor, why in the world were you on social media in the morning?”
- That is the more important question.
- I have a problem?
- BTW, I let the Teenager read Monday’s list, and she said, “Dumbphones? Are those a thing? Can I have one? What are they like? Do they still have Google?”
- I also ate a strawberry poptart, so, you know, my issues run deep.
- Poptarts are thinner than they used to be, just FYI.
- Shrinkflation is everywhere.
- Also, Poptarts are not real food.
- Neither is ramen.
- Or cereal.
- Sure, they’re all calories.
- I’m stopping.
- That’s not my subject area.
- I do get caught up watching all these cooking videos.
- I have hundreds of recipes saved on the various social platforms, though I’ve made almost none of them.
- There was this one honey mustard chicken salad thing that was amazing.
- And I’m currently infusing rum with all the pink and red Starburst.
- Sugar spirits infused with more sugar.
- Remember the Friday Summer Cocktails plan?
- I’d just drink things neat, but the Wife requires fruity.
- Anyway. Food videos. I have a lot saved.
- But only if they have the name of the dish in the post.
- If they just have a picture and say something trite, “This is the best thing I have ever put into my mouth in the last 10 minutes!” without telling me what the picture is …
- No clicks for you.
- Because the internet is a wretched hive of scum and villainy.
- I’m both over it and hopelessly addicted.
- Food videos make me crave pasta and want to class up my ramen.
- I’m not even supposed to eat ramen anymore.
- Express train to higher blood pressure.
- This is why I can’t have nice things.
- Overthinking.
- It is the worst.
- I’m working myself up to cooking steak on the Blackstone.
- Still haven’t had the guts to try.
- Maybe this weekend.
- Maybe I’ll make it for myself on Father’s Day.
- Not sure why the food talk today.
- I had a bagel.
- Media:
- The Ted Lasso finale stuck the landing.
- Was it a bit ham-handed?
- Sure.
- But then the entire show was less than subtle.
- Across the Spider-verse is one of the best comic book movies ever made.
- Friday’s episode of Silo was on the slow side.
- Aaaaaand with that, I bid you adieu.
The Black Book of Lists
skepticlysm 
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