- So there I was driving my mom’s black Honda minivan, dropping off the Teenager at school.
- Metallica’s “Damage, Inc.” blasting through the van’s lame, tinny speakers.
- Wearing my old sunglasses (because they’re prescription and I have to have them.)
- Lamenting the lack of window tinting because, even in the best of times in the best of cars, I do not like people looking at me.
- (Not just in cars.)
- (Introverts! Unite!)
- (I know, no one is actually looking at me.)
- Thinking, “Dear lort, this is what my life has come to.”
- “Dude, why are you driving your mom’s minivan,” you might be thinking.
- I’m glad you imaginarily asked.
- (Let’s not unpack this … for now.)
- (Maybe someday.)
- (But notthenow.)
- I typically roll around in a black Subaru.
- 6-speed manual.
- Have not really kept up with the maintenance on it because that stuff is expensive.
- It recently hit the 100k mileage mark.
- So, it needed some care.
- And we need the car to be road-trip ready.
- The car does not have a timing belt, but a timing chain.
- So that’s nice.
- It got a tune-up, which was much less expensive than I was expecting.
- But there’s where the fun started.
- Got the tune-up, but then there were oil spots on my driveway.
- Took it back.
- Fixed.
- Took it home.
- A/C did not work.
- Took it back.
- Fixed.
- Took it home.
- On the way home, getting on the highway, the thing started backfiring, the throttle cut out, and the check engine light came on.
- Took it back.
- I do not believe this is the garage’s fault, mind you.
- Sometimes, when you monkey with a thing that’s been fine, you mess it up worse.
- That’s probably in a life manual somewhere.
- “If it ain’t broke …”
- What I’m saying is that … I hate cars now.
- And I used to be a gearhead.
- I miss my first car something awful.
- (Was a 1967 Camaro.)
- I sold it my freshman year of college because I could not afford to drive it.
- Thing only got like six or seven miles to the gallon.
- It shook the earth at stoplights.
- And was wicked fast in the quarter mile.
- Also, I could actually fix it myself.
- I could crawl under that car and swap the starter in less than 15 minutes without any help.
- Opening the hood on the Subaru?
- Yeah, no.
- Anyway, I could not rebuy the Camaro now for less than $25,000.
- Should’ve just thrown it under a tarp at my parents’ house.
- Live and learn.
- Yesterday, I had occasion to do some word-swapping of Coleridge’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” on social media.
- Being a word nerd in high school …
- Okay, being a nerd in high school, I loved that poem.
- First, Iron Maiden made it into a 15-minute song.
- Second, it totally vibes with D&D.
- Anyway, stuck with me.
- “As idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean.”
- I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Teenager has never seen that poem.
- Shakespeare came up on the ride to school today.
- Me: “Have you read any Shakespeare?”
- Her: “Not in high school.”
- Me: “What?! When was the last time?”
- Her: “Middle school.”
- Me: “What was it?”
- Her: “Othello.”
- Me (internally): “What?!”
- Me (aloud): “So no MacBeth? What about Midsummer Night’s Dream?”
- Her: “We did that in elementary school, but I’m sure it was a simpler version.”
- Me: …
- Dropped her off. Made a mental note to text my oldest friend, because he’s just about to retire from teaching English.
- *The following is edited for work.
- Me: “Do you guys still teach Shakespeare in high school?”
- Him: “I think so. We still had it when I was still teaching English.”
- (He’s been teaching speech/communications the past couple of years.)
- Me: “The Teenager has not done any Shakespeare since middle school.”
- Him: “I’m pretty sure Romeo and Juliet is still on the Freshman curriculum.”
- Me: “She has never done that one. Or MacBeth.”
- Him: “It’s moved to more skill-based reading. Just passages. Not much full works. The English teachers don’t like it either.”
- Me: “I don’t imagine they would.”
- Him: “There’s been a push for ‘future read skills.’ Reading endurance has all but been abandoned.”
- (Here is where I’d swear a lot.)
- Back to the front … I’m not picking on Minivans.
- They are terribly useful vehicles.
- I just … never saw myself in one?
- It violates my self-image?
- They are not me.
- I’m not picking on you minivan enthusiasts, is what I’m saying.
- You do you.
- I have a list of things to which I will not go gently.
- Minivans are on there.
- So are white tennis shoes.
- I have issues, man.
- This is known.
- DID YOU KNOW … if you are playing Spotify when you join a Teams meeting, it’ll broadcast that music to the room?
- … Ask me how I know!
- Good gravy.
- I’m outta here.
- Have a Wednesday.
Car Trouble
skepticlysm 
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