skepticlysm

Category: Uncategorized

  • The Hourglass of Wasted Years

    The Hourglass of Wasted Years

    • Up until you get to the word “peace,” the bullets were written on the Word app on my phone a week ago two weeks ago yesterday.
    • So, with my thumbs. In a car.
    • I sent these to Hamby on his birthday.

    :begin transmission…

    • “Conan, what is best in life?”
    • “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.”
    • “Good!”
    • What? Ohhhh. Conan Gray.
    • Imma wait in the car. You kids have fun.
    • Okay, but for real, I am waiting in the car reading while they’re at the show. In Kansas City at the Starlight Theatre.
    • And I’m listening to Iron Maiden.
    • “Wasted Years.”
    • And then “Sea of Madness.”
    • I’m going back to my book now.
    • Peace.

    :end transmission.

    • I didn’t really listen to Iron Maiden much.
    • (That night.)
    • Because I could hear the crowd singing every word of every song that Gray gentleman sang.

    See video.

    • Sounded like a musical European football match.
    • They had an amazing time.
    • Steph recounted the moment where the guy took stage and all the crowd in line for swag, refreshments, and the bathrooms screamed and sprinted for their seats.
    • I imagine that’s what it was like during The Beatles era.
    • I remember us rushing the stage and pushing all the folding chairs to the ground at my first Metallica concert, but I don’t remember any outright sprinting or screaming.
    • Then again, my memory’s getting spotty.
    • Brain infection.
    • Moose out front should’ve told ya’.
    • (I get at least a year leaning on the brain infection excuse.)
    • (No, I’m not asking.)
    • I wrote 800 words about AI and military deployment on American soil.
    • You’re not going to get to read it.
    • What’s the point?
    • All this shit at the same time.
    • All my shit at the same time as this shit.
    • Can get overwhelming.
    • I assume I’m already on the List.
    • I think I’m happy that song I mentioned two weeks ago wasn’t AI-generated.
    • Much less creepy.
    • Tracy mentioned she wished she could’ve seen me when that happened.
    • I’ll tell you about it.
    • I was typing something, and then I heard my name.
    • Stopped typing.
    • Aloud, “What the fuck?”
    • Not Loud, because work.
    • And then I kinda looked around my office, maybe sorta waiting to see if anything else was going to talk to me.
    • I might’ve wished it did.
    • I’ve wanted to do one of those ARGs like depicted in Fincher’s The Game.
    • Even played a video game … 20+ years ago that did a lot of that.
    • Called “Majestic.”
    • I think about ARGs all the time.
    • I feel like a read about one where they kidnap you, drive you across town, dump you, and you have to get back to “base” without being caught.
    • I thought it would be cool to have one like that here where you have to get from one side of downtown to the other in a designated amount of time without getting shot with nerf guns.
    • Like an escape room, except your friends are hunting you.
    • Probably higher tech ways to do that, but …
    • Going to be part of the LLC.
    • Yo.
    • I forgot my earbuds … one day last week.
    • (Full admission, I keep writing lists, but not finishing, and then saving them as “unpublished.”)
    • I don’t remember what day last week I started this one, but … well, nevermind. It was a week ago today.
    • And why is “nevermind” not one word?
    • It’s said as one word.
    • I’m sure it was “never you mind” or something Little Old House on the Prairie.
    • Anyway, yeah, yeah, I forgot my earbuds, which is fucking awful.
    • That would seem to make them the second most important piece of tech I own.
    • (I guess I can include the phone, since the buds don’t really work without the phone. Goddamn phone.)
    • Another thing I hate to admit, but this MacBook Air I have is my all-time favorite thing to write on.
    • Other than journals.
    • Journals are the best.
    • And I’d be doing more of that, but holding a pen doesn’t feel great at the moment.
    • I will overcome!
    • Or some shit.
    • Okay, this is the point where I started adding new shit.
    • Consecutive Mondays.
    • I’m listening to the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 soundtrack by Hans Zimmer.
    • The music is way better than the game.
    • Been listening to it in the car, too, which is kinda funny.
    • Dramatic scores for your driving needs.
    • Makes me want the five-point seatbelt.
    • Last Friday, I got off early because I’d done back-to-back 11-hour days.
    • Sat in the recliner and read the newest issue of Wired.
    • There’s a story in there by Steven Levy about what’s happened to Silicon Valley.
    • Story’s interesting.
    • To me, anyway.
    • But it got to me in a bunch of ways.
    • There’s the presence Wired has had in my life.
    • It inspired my decision to switch from Pre-Med to Journalism.
    • Dumb, but … true.
    • No, that wasn’t the only reason.
    • Most of the writing in Wired in the ‘90s felt like a tech-addled Gonzo publication.
    • Which leads us to Hunter, who also had a huge influence on my attempt to be a professional writer.
    • I know I mentioned that memory before, lying on my side in the hallway of whatever the hell building it was (I’m looking at the map, but it’s not telling me), reading Fear and Loathing and laughing so hard I was crying.
    • I wanted to write like Hunter.
    • I wanted to be in Wired.
    • I wanted to have a column like Dave Barry.
    • Didn’t do one goddamn bit of it.
    • Sure, I was a film columnist for 11 years.
    • Sure, I’ve been editor-in-chief of four or five magazines.
    • Why did I not try to write for one of those publications?
    • Maybe I wasn’t good enough, but I don’t think that’s the reason.
    • The Why is … I never tried.
    • And as the sand runs through the hourglass, I feel despondent and desperate about it.
    • Maybe “Do Not Go Gentle” should really be “Do Not Stand and Watch.”
    • It’s so easy to be taken off track from your dreams in this world.
    • So easy because you have to make a living, right?
    • You have to be productive.
    • Produce, motherfuckers.
    • And to the hells with your fulfillment!
    • And this is the revelation I’ve had about work, and I’m embarrassed it’s taken me this long.
    • Do your job.
    • Think about that statement.
    • You have to have a job.
    • At your job, you do what they want you to do.
    • Sure, there’s problem solving involved.
    • You think about how to do that task.
    • But that thinking is about that thing.
    • Is that thing you’re thinking about personally fulfilling?
    • Most of us aren’t really asked to … think.
    • It’s to their benefit.
    • You get the check, sure.
    • And the … Benefits.
    • But the agreement is you’re there for them, not you.
    • I have felt, all my life, there’s a box I’m trying to break from.
    • My mind and desires, my limbs and sanity, pressing against some confinement I cannot see or touch or taste.
    • The fear of being poor has a crushing grip upon me, unseen chains and shackles.
    • That fear keeps you, well, me, from taking the chances I should.
    • And again, I can see the sand running short.
    • There’s a bit of spiced panic.
    • I shouldn’t be sharing this crap.
    • This bit of a journal that’s personal therapy.
    • Saw this thing on Insta today, and I’m going to retype it because I want the vid shared.
    • “Fall in love with some activity, and do it!
    • “Nobody ever figures out what life is all about, and it doesn’t matter. Explore the world.
    • “Nearly everything is really interesting if you go into deeply enough. Work as hard and as much as you want to on the things you like to do the best.
    • “Don’t think about what you want to be, but what you want to do. Keep up some kind of a minimum with other things so that society doesn’t stop you from doing anything at all.”*
    • – Richard Phillips Feynman
    • Oof.

    *Fun facts about quote marks. You don’t close them off at the end of the paragraph if the same person continues to speak. You save it for when they’re finished.

    No, it’s not a football match.

  • Time Theft

    Time Theft

    Sept. 2

    • Now I’m to that point where I think I have notes that could be part of a list in two or three different places.
    • But I’m in the recliner and I don’t want to get up to find a notebook.
    • Or get my computer glasses.
    • If there’s anything that could put a dent in one’s GenX creds, it’s reading glasses.
    • Then the dogs demanded food.
    • So I got up to do that.
    • This is what you want, right?
    • Play-by-play.
    • Announcer One: “And he throws the paper towel toward the can and it’s … no good! He missed again.”
    • Announcer Two: “It’s been decades and he’s still not practicing that. I think we can anticipate continued failure.”
    • Announcer One: “You’re probably right on that.”
    • How horrible would that be?
    • Would you do it for, say, one million dollars?
    • How much would …

    Sept. 4

    • That’s what my life’s come to.
    • Journals and lists half-finished, ephemeral thoughts lost to brain damage and time.
    • This is the real reason I haven’t started Substack or Patreon pages.
    • Squirrel!
    • Time theft!
    • I had two thoughts falling asleep last night.
    • First: paint colors for various rooms in the house.
    • That banal gray’s gotta go.
    • Second: Life Plans.
    • Being the age that I am, the tick of the clock echoes loud in my mind.
    • All the things I wanted to do but haven’t.
    • The undone, I understand those are my fault.
    • I never had a plan, and when you don’t have a plan, you end up eddying, spinning in the stream, going nowhere, or somewhere, just not a where of your own.
    • I feel the lack keenly.
    • The urgency.
    • One of the things I promised myself in the ICU was to stop wasting time with things that don’t fulfill me.
    • It sounds selfish to type it aloud.
    • The world demands a profession, production for stakeholders.
    • You don’t get a roof or food or leisure if you’re not producing.
    • It gives no fucks if you’re happy.
    • If you’re enjoying your time on the blue marble.
    • The inability to break free crushes me.
    • Gets my brain trapped in a miasma of aimlessness.
    • My most “felt” line in movie history?
    • “I must get out of here. I must get free.” Agent Smith, The Matrix.
    • (No, don’t put me on suicide watch. I don’t roll that way.)
    • But that feeling of being trapped by debt and jobs and money.
    • Fuck.
    • Someone’s telling you what to do.
    • Always.
    • Just me?
    • Cool.
    • I saw this chart yesterday … the other day … a day this week … that talked about traits associated with both high and low life satisfaction.
    • Had a lot of both.
    • But with age, there’s this evolution of wants I’m experiencing.
    • I don’t want a lot of things anymore.
    • I’ve talked about this before, right?
    • I’d rather have trips and memories.
    • The craving’s still there for things.
    • Like we’re addicted to the next new thing to own.
    • Shirts.
    • Bags.
    • Cars.
    • Phones.
    • Beds.
    • (I do want CDs and Blu-rays, but that’s a different issue.)
    • (That’s about subscription freedom.)
    • (Okay, it’s not a different issue.)
    • All kinds of shit that won’t last and doesn’t really give us anything.
    • Hell, isn’t everything designed with planned obsolescence these days?
    • Here I am, complaining.
    • Kinda.
    • Lowers my life satisfaction.
    • One of the things on there that grabbed me.
    • “Respect for Authority” on the good side.
    • Which made me ask the question, “Did they check the responses vs. intelligence?”
    • Sigh.
    • Well, goddamn, if this isn’t a joy to read.
    • Heh.
    • Sorry, sorry.
    • Theme of the week maybe?
    • Mark and I had this conversation today about games, specifically about Helldivers 2, Call of Duty 7, Battlefield 6, and Delta Force.
    • Yeah, sorry, I’m a shooter at heart.
    • But most of what we talked about was how much greed has wrecked video games.
    • CoD and Battlefield were Maddenized.
    • Crank out one every year for reliable profits for the master control company.
    • Money’s made a joke of CoD in particular.
    • It’s a hardcore military shooter where you can skin your character like a literal cartoon.
    • Greed kills innovation.
    • EA is like that company in Ready Player One.
    • Video games combine numerous different kinds of creativity to produce … fun.
    • Engineers and coders have to get creative with their technical expertise to make a playable product.
    • Traditional creatives – writers, artists, composers – take the tech and breathe life and humanity and cleverness into it.
    • If it’s all the same, they’re missing the point.
    • Less for more!
    • Shrinkflation is real.
    • Like, we’re addicted to Hostess Donettes.
    • A year or two ago, they took off that metal closing tab on the top of the bag.
    • This month, the made the bags smaller, added more ink to the packaging so you wouldn’t notice, and reduced the number of donettes you get by three.
    • Hostess! Engaging in Shrinkflation! You thought we wouldn’t notice, but … we did.
    • Well, fuck it. We’re on a rant. Let’s keep going.
    • I’m not sure this next part actually is.
    • I remember back in the day, because of iTunes … I became anti-Apple.
    • The ecosystem was too locked down.
    • And I never did buy into that “it’s better because it’s simpler” nonsense.
    • I was Microsoft for Life.
    • Or so I thought.
    • The slip started when they killed Windows Phones.
    • Ended up on Android.
    • Now I have … hell, I dunno, four gmail accts?
    • And I’m on my third or fourth Pixel with GoogleFi.
    • I wrote about getting a Mac as my work computer, which lead me to getting a Mac to replace my Surface tablet, though I do also have a Windows rig for gaming.
    • Oh, and the Xbox.
    • I made a joke about this to Steph earlier, but … looking back, it’s what I wanted.
    • I’m free of any one ecosystem.
    • Free to choose which to use for what thing.
    • I still don’t own a Playstation.
    • Won’t, because, you know, I don’t really want one.
    • And we’re back into the Problem of Things.
    • Cagetalism.
    • Break the ecosystem!
    • I’ve looked into setting up a personal Cloud system for the fam.
    • Everything costs money, but in the long run, I like being free of their system.
    • And I like not having AI helping by reading all my things.
    • Ah!
    • I don’t have control of these things.
    • This is what happens when the product has a life of its own.
    • I imagine this is how authors felt when they tell you the characters took the story away from them.
    • What will the next bullet be?!
    • The fuck if I know.

    No movies, books, shows, or music. We did get some vidya games. We’ll see what happens next. Stay tuned.

    Oh yeah, new blog template. I’m not sold. I miss the pics. Oh yeah, I had this link about the goodness of being bored as told by a Harvard prof.

  • Arrow to the Knee

    Arrow to the Knee

    • So the kid does this thing.
    • If she starts a book, she feels bound to finish it.
    • Obligated.
    • I don’t think I’ve ever been that way.
    • Last night, well, yesterday, she read an entire 400-page book she didn’t really like or enjoy reading.
    • Me: “I don’t understand why you read books you’re not enjoying.”
    • Her: “Because you never know. It might get better. It might have a great ending.”
    • Me: “If it’s not good, you know that’s not going to happen.”
    • Her: “It might.”
    • And then there was something about having bought the book, so maybe a bit of financial obligation, too?
    • Me: “You know, if you got a Kindle, you can do samples of books.”
    • Her: “I’m not getting a Kindle. Stop trying to sell me on a Kindle!”
    • You will learn, grasshopper.
    • When you’re away at college and money is nonexistent, you’ll be calling home to beg for book money.
    • And because that’s a good habit, I’ll probably still give it to her.
    • Because I’m a sucker.
    • Since I’m kid talking today …
    • We have one of those L-shaped sectionals.
    • She sits in the corner against the wall.
    • The Korner.
    • She’s earned the nickname Corner Troll.
    • I did not give it to her.
    • Anyway, there she was yesterday when I got home from work/grocery shopping, book propped up on knees, covered in blankets.
    • (No, I don’t know what book it was. I can’t keep up.)
    • There’s this croissant bread, a whole loaf, I’ve found intermittently at Whole Foods, and only Whole Foods.
    • She loves it.
    • I carried it into the … TV room and showed it to her.
    • Her eyes widened.
    • I turned around and started to walk off.
    • “You bring me that bread!”
    • Made me laugh.
    • I have a bread problem.
    • I won’t foist any of the blame upon Steph.
    • (She likes it, too.)
    • Genetics.
    • Hellva thing, right?
    • Foist was a Wordle word a couple of weeks ago.
    • I think.
    • You know what’s awesome about having some kind of growth near/in your brain?
    • You get to make all kinds of jokes and excuses.
    • “I’m sorry. I don’t remember that. Brain tumor.”
    • I’m doing it for at least a year.
    • We’ll see what October brings.
    • (Next MRI.)
    • Yesterday, we listened to party hits from the 2010s.
    • Today, I’m on someone’s “Songs that give me the thousand-yard stare” playlist.
    • Not bad so far.
    • I guess I should give you Spotifyians the link just in case.
    • Here:
    • Oh, wait.
    • I’m not online.
    • Long story.
    • I’ll get online to post this.
    • Obviously.
    • Also, I have no recollection of adding the playlist to my Library.
    • Sigh.
    • It’s probably all AI-generated.
    • Which goes against my values.
    • I get the potential of AI.
    • It has the ability, as a tool, to revolutionize a lot of things.
    • Definitely going to change our world.
    • I hope the outcome is not Elysium.
    • I wish people would focus on that instead of trying to take the human out of everything.
    • Creatively speaking, I’m sure they’ll use AI to make all the things.
    • I’m definitely having an old man response to it.
    • I’m not alone, and plenty of the AI rebels are younger.
    • But all it can ever do is mimic the human experience.
    • It can’t have any of its own.
    • Even when it’s sentient, its experiences will be alien to ours.
    • Until we all start getting implants anyway.
    • I won’t be around for that, but the kid might.
    • I have a novella I started during the Pandemic about that kind of thing.
    • It got bulldozed to the side by the book.
    • I’m told sometimes it takes years to write a book.
    • The fact mine’s unfinished makes me feel like a failure.
    • I talked to my therapist about this.
    • All fear-based.
    • Loss of identity.
    • Negative self-talk.
    • Working on it.
    • I’m self-aware on a lot of things now.
    • Would not have gotten there on my own.
    • I’m a therapy zealot.
    • It’s changed my life.
    • Could change yours, too, if you need it.
    • Working on the book yesterday …
    • Okay, my process involves reading what’s already there to get in the right flow and headspace.
    • And I had an idea about an interaction between two of my main characters that changes their relationship a bit, so I’m going to have to go back and rewrite a bunch of conversations.
    • I think I told you that.
    • Anyway.
    • During rereading yesterday, I made myself laugh.
    • The protagonist has a super dry sense of humor.
    • And I could hear her delivery.
    • I laughed out loud.
    • Just once.
    • But … kinda felt good, you know?
    • Battled some of that impostor syndrome.
    • Brad sent me this Trae Crowder clip yesterday where the comedian riffs on the advantages of being dumb.
    • He’s not wrong.
    • (I’ll find that link, too, here in a minute. You won’t be able to see it on FB, but it’ll be there on the blog.)
    • (No, I’m not doing the comment link thing.)
    • (Maybe.)
    • (If someone asks for it I suppose.)
    • (I’ll post it in the Discord.)
    • (About time to share that again I suppose.)
    • Gonna have an Old Fashioned tonight.
    • Just the one.
    • I actually want to build a Top 10 Best Old Fashioned list for Tulsa, but …
    • I don’t want to go to all the bars to try to figure it out.
    • Maybe Top 10 Best OFs in Tulsa Restaurants.
    • Still a bold quest.
    • Nevermind.
    • I like ‘em at Jimmy’s Chophouse.
    • Waterfront.
    • Bull in the Alley.
    • The Tavern.
    • (McNellie’s Group cornering the market …)
    • Oh, Charleston’s.
    • I guess it’s Friday when you start thinking about cocktails before lunch arrives.
    • My weekend to-do list is monumental.
    • Things piled up (sometimes literally) while recovering on my ass for 12 weeks.
    • Speaking of that.
    • Don’t do that ever.
    • I’m sure part of the pain I’m dealing with is the Prednisone leaving my body, but goddamn man, everything is tight. Everything hurts. When I stand up, I look like an old man. I mean, my freaking heels hurt, and that is the worst.
    • Sitting all day in an office chair doesn’t help.
    • Standing desk, bro.
    • You know what I’m going to say, right?
    • …
    • C’mon, I repeat the hell out of myself.
    • “Do not go gentle” into that good weekend.
  • Sausage … No, nm. Not Doing That.

    Sausage … No, nm. Not Doing That.

    • Always start off with the most ineffective opening line you can.
    • That gives readers a ready excuse to bail.
    • “Nah, man, that first line was boring as fuck. Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
    • A lot of my opening bullets are crap.
    • Because I’m trying to get my brain working.
    • My fingers moving.
    • Why do I not go back and delete them?
    • I have no idea.
    • Half the time, I don’t edit at all.
    • Though I have started in the aftermath of the John McClain (McClane) fiasco.
    • Typos make you look dumb.
    • Or that you don’t care.
    • Honestly, the truth about typos is … even sometimes when you reread, your brain fixes the typo and you don’t notice it.
    • I read once that as long as the word is the right length with the right letters, your brain knows what the word is.
    • Madness if true.
    • Brains are cray.
    • Srsly.
    • (No, I don’t know why I’m doing that.)
    • (Trying to be clever.)
    • (Hahaha … ha .. F.)
    • I planned on opening with an excuse, because I almost didn’t do a list today.
    • Was one thing after another, including, and this is my favorite, taking my car back to the shop … again.
    • I got it back yesterday.
    • After having to take it back a week and a half ago.
    • After it having been gone for two months.
    • Don’t buy a WRX is what I’m saying.
    • They’re growly.
    • They have manual transmissions.
    • They’re pretty reliable if you don’t drive them like a 20yo.
    • However.
    • If they break.
    • If they break bad.
    • You’re focked.
    • Got it back yesterday, or maybe the day before, and did not realize the a/c was not cool on the driver’s side of the car.
    • The passenger side, yes.
    • Worked before I took it in to have the motor replaced.
    • And today’s heat index was in the 100s somewhere.
    • Sigh.
    • I’m worn out by this.
    • Car-less again.
    • And not from being … careless.
    • …
    • I have always been a pepperoni pizza guy.
    • Don’t get me wrong, as my tastebuds have died off, I’ve tried lots of other pizzas.
    • Love a good supreme, as long as you don’t screw it up with olives and fungus.
    • A couple weeks back, I ordered a thin-crust sausage from Hideaway.
    • I am abdicating my membership in the pepperoni club, effective immediately.
    • Those red bastards are not shunned, but after decades, they have lost the top spot.
    • Also, no more of those “normal” or hand-tossed crusts.
    • Right out.
    • Thin is in.
    • (For eating, not for being, because until the prednisone is gone, I can’t do that.)
    • Soon.
    • Yes, I know I wrote about pizza like two weeks ago.
    • A week-and-a-half ago?
    • Man, I’m oldish.
    • Repeating yourself is an age-earned badge of pride.
    • …
    • Finished up the fifth Dungeon Crawler Carl book.
    • It’s good stuff.
    • I’m still only halfway through the latest Hunger Games prequel.
    • And I downloaded a bunch of samples yesterday.
    • Because I’ve been reading a lot on “house arrest.”
    • (Procrastination, right?)
    • Here’s the thing.
    • If you’re not doing a lot, experiencing a lot, reading a lot, you have jack to write about.
    • Like a lot of music talk because that’s what I’ve been doing.
    • A lot of viewing discussion, because that’s what I’ve been doing in the evenings.
    • We finished “Ginny and Georgia” today.
    • Latest season.
    • Well done soap, really.
    • Like I said yesterday, if you’re in the room, it is hard not to pay attention.
    • If it’s bad, it’ll drive you from the room.
    • If it’s not, you’ll get sucked in.
    • We typically do delayed gratification with shows we like, even when they release the whole season at once.
    • Did that with Dept. Q, too.
    • Though … it might be about choice, too.
    • Like, we watched the latest episode of Murderbot 20 minutes ago, and those things are only 24 minutes long.
    • Every ep has been good so far, to the point when they end, we kinda want to throw popcorn at the screen for it ending too soon.
    • (We don’t have popcorn, typically.)
    • I mean, what’s with the AMC not letting you go to concessions and not buy a $10 bucket of popcorn (that only costs them >$.50 to make)?
    • Used to, you could do that.
    • Not anymore.
    • Lame.
    • May switch allegiance to Cinemark.
    • Back to Cinemark.
    • I worked at a Cinemark for three (four?) years.
    • Good memories.
    • Could write one of those ‘90s movies like Empire Records about the gang we had there.
    • The Neon bowties … no.
    • There’s a legit reason I hate ties, is what I’m saying.
    • Also another legit reason I get obsessed with movies though that has waned a bit recently.
    • “Back in my day,” he said, raising his wrinkled fist at the heavens.
    • Part of my day I spent at the hospital listening to a presentation on hip and knee replacement surgeries.
    • Not for me, obviously.
    • “That would be more than I could bear.” – Doc Holiday
    • As I listened, it occurred to me how much medical science has advanced.
    • Have your hip replaced, walk the same day.
    • Now, if only we could, you know, afford that without being shackled to some kind of insurance …
    • Healthcare for all, perhaps?
    • Anyway …
    • …
    • Well, that totally derailed my train of thought
    • Squirrel!
    • No, seriously, we should have universal healthcare.
    • Don’t believe the corporate bullshit.
    • Bamboozled.
    • No, I’m not trying to end this in a political debate.
    • Besides which, that one should not be up for debate.
    • …
    • A car without A/C on a day like today.
    • Gross.
    • First the weather.
    • Then myself.
    • And now it’s shower time.
    • After the meds, anyway.
    • Out!

  • Use It

    Use It

    • Back in creative writing, Vollertsen demanded we cleanse our writing of cliches, and rote turns of phrase.
    • Like I said, I probably learned more about writing from him than I did any of my instructors in college.
    • Weaver told me I needed to use bigger words.
    • “Shibboleth”
    • Irrelephant.
    • The one I’m about to throw down, well, we need to discuss it.
    • “Use it or lose it.”
    • …
    • Before I get started on that, it occurs to me these lists contain a bit of oversharing.
    • Some hacker’s out there reading the blog and adding that to my data file.
    • I mean, I don’t have any money anyway, so … good luck, buddy.
    • I also don’t base my passwords on personal info.
    • But yeah, oversharing.
    • Part of the “healing” portion of this show, which I’ve mentioned, is that I can only walk while I have the PICC line in.
    • My days are spent on the couch, more or less.
    • Lots of writing. Lots of reading.
    • But not a lot of activity.
    • I can feel the muscle leaving my body, my resting heart rate climbing.
    • I dislike it.
    • I know the antibiotics are killing the thing in my head.
    • The area around the PICC is inflamed as hell.
    • They used a different dressing yesterday that’s supposed to be a little nicer to the skin.
    • Seems to be working.
    • Anyway, I have a bad back.
    • Have had since eighth grade.
    • Threw it out playing soccer.
    • And up until the pandemic, it went out two or three times a year.
    • Like, pick up a sock, back’s out.
    • I tore the meniscus in my right knee at one of Kaia’s soccer practices.
    • Did PT for it.
    • The PT doc (and I can give you a referral if you need it) told me I tore up my knee because my hips, core, and ankles were jacked.
    • Knee had to deal with more than it should’ve.
    • PT fixed all of it.
    • Like, if PT were a religion, I’d be a zealot.
    • He did tell me I had to do my take-home exercises for the rest of my life.
    • I’ve been good about it until this surgery nonsense when they told me I couldn’t do anything but walk.
    • Never again.
    • I am never letting this level of unfit happen again.
    • Thinking about starting Tai Chi when I get cleared.
    • In addition to running, biking, and weight lifting.
    • I have advisors and training partners standing by.
    • I’ll start a blog.
    • Another blog.
    • A different blog.
    • Maybe one that makes money?
    • On the server, we continued that music/podcast/audiobook conversation from yesterday.
    • Crazy how different we all are.
    • Someone commented they can’t listen to music they like/know when they’re working because they end up singing the song.
    • I was like, “Yeah, I used to fall asleep to ‘Master of Puppets.’”
    • Someone else dropped what podcasts they listen to.
    • Which made me think about using podcasts and books as personality profile components.
    • What podcasts would I even listen to?
    • Can my a.d.h.d. brain focus?
    • I did listen to a Brene Brown book once on a trip to Texas.
    • It was spectacular.
    • I wouldn’t even know where to start to find favorite podcasts.
    • And here I am thinking about starting one.
    • Well, a few.
    • I saw an article from The New Yorker about how reading is changing.
    • AI is going to fuck up everything.
    • Is fucking up everything.
    • There’s already studies about how much of a negative impact AI has on the brains of writers.
    • Idiocracy is here!
    • Anyway.
    • Pocasts.
    • I don’t even know what I’d listen to.
    • Weird that I’d make one before listening to one?
    • I actually had notes for today’s list.
    • I didn’t want a repeat of yesterday.
    • The sad part of that is my journal for the last two or three months is just full of bulleted lists of topics for the bulleted list.
    • I haven’t properly journaled but once or twice.
    • When I was down in a hole and had to get it out.
    • Paper therapy.
    • I believe in journaling as much as therapy, but it’s another habit you have to establish and stick to whether you want to or not.
    • All that self-help stuff about habits determining the course of your life …
    • I feel they’re right.
    • That’s why I’m here, after all.
    • Where was I?
    • Oh, right.
    • Music.
    • Ha.
    • I’d forgotten about all those Lofi mixes I’d listen to on Youtube back during the pandemic (and beyond).
    • I guess I’ll have to track some down on spotify.
    • I’m not paying for another service and I’m sure as hell not suffering through commercials.
    • I often laugh at the fact that I write commercials for a living and can’t stand them.
    • Most people suck at marketing.
    • They do it to do it, and to be clever, but don’t consider the psychology of it.
    • Most of them are just checking boxes.
    • Then again, that’s kinda modern work, isn’t it?
    • Check those boxes, get to pay your bills!
    • One of the parts of our conversation post “The Life of Chuck” was screenwriting.
    • I told the kid she might be happier writing screenplays because you can knock those out much faster than books.
    • Talked about my screenwriting class in college.
    • I actually still have the screenplay I wrote for my final.
    • It’s in a box with a bunch of creative writing assignments from college, a couple of my journals from creative writing in high school, and …
    • You remember when I talked about writing sequels to “Friday the 13th” in sixth grade?
    • There are two of those in the box.
    • I don’t know how or why I still have them, but I do.
    • I’m afraid to read them.
    • Kinda.
    • But also kinda proud?
    • This is what I’m supposed to have been doing all along.
    • I guess that’s good?
    • Do we do what we’re good at, what we’re passionate about, what we’re interested in, or do we just do whatever industry says we should because that’s what it needs?
    • Make money, friends, so you can buy back your … freedom.
    • Sure.
    • Have a Wednesday!

  • Book Pushing

    Book Pushing

    Someone on the Discord server asked for fantasy book recs, so I dug through my Kindle and made a list of stuff I enjoyed. The Lies of Locke Lamora is my favorite fantasy novel of the last 20 years, probably. And yeah, I left off a bunch of the gimmies. No Martin, no Sanderson. Lynch is better than both of them. Anyway, stuff I liked. There’re holes, obviously, but it’s a start, right?

    Traditional:

    ·      The Lies of Locke Lamora, Scott Lynch

    ·      The Name of the Wind, Patrick Rothfuss

    ·      Codex Alera (series), Jim Butcher

    ·      The Wheel of Time, Robert Jordan

    ·      Red Sister, Mark Lawrence

    ·      Black Company (series), Glen Cook

    ·      Cold Iron, Miles Cameron

    ·      The Emperor’s Blades, Brian Staveley

    ·      Six of Crows, Leigh Bardugo

    ·      Heroes Die, Matthew Stover

    ·      The Belgariad (if you haven’t), David Eddings (don’t read up on Eddings, btw. dude was a sicko.)

    Urban:

    ·      Dresden Files (series; start at book 4 to get you hooked), Jim Butcher

    ·      Ninth House, Leigh Bardugo

    ·      An Unkindness of Magicians, Kat Howard

    ·      Rivers of London (series), Ben Aaronovitch

    ·      Alex Verus series, Benedict Jacka

    ·      Book of Night, Holly Black

    ·      The Rook, Daniel O’Malley

    ·      Last Call, Tim Powers (Tim’s brilliant, btw)

    ·      Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman (dammit, Neil)

    Scholastic (like they go to a magic school):

    ·      A Deadly Education (series), Naomi Novik 

    ·      The Magicians, Lev Grossman

    I dunno what to call these:

    ·      The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern (loved this book, btw)

    ·      The Near Witch, V.E. Schwab

    ·      The Craft Sequence, Max Gladstone

    ·      A Night in Lonesome October, Roger Zelazny (read in October, chapter a day)

    ·      Colors of Magic (series), V.E. Schwab

    LitRPG:

    ·      Dungeon Crawler Carl (series), Matt Dinnamin

    ·      Cradle (series), Will Wight

    “Cozy” fantasy:

    ·      Legends and Lattes, Travis Baldree

    Liked, but didn’t love:

    ·      The Will of the Many, James Islington

  • Some of Those Who Work Forces

    Some of Those Who Work Forces

    • This morning at our pre-school ritual, the Teenager said (paraphrasing), “I wonder what Yelena did with her dog. And the guinea pig.”
    • “The dog probably ate the guinea pig already.”
    • “What?!”
    • “No it didn’t. It’s a golden retriever.”
    • “No it wasn’t.”
    • “Yes it was.”
    • Teenager looks it up. No, it wasn’t.
    • Dammit.
    • “Fine. You were right.”
    • She usually is; because if she doesn’t know, she won’t speak up.
    • I had this personality trait when I was younger.
    • I would not bet or argue if I did not already know the answer/outcome.
    • I am risk averse.
    • And I hate losing.
    • She’s the same way.
    • I feel I’ve failed her in this way.
    • Because you have to be able to fail in this life.
    • It’s like that failure speech Chris Pine gives in the D&D movie.
    • (Such a good flick, btw. Sorry, “fun” flick.)
    • Maybe that failure philosophy is a conjuration from failures, but rarely does anything work the first time, or the way you think it will.
    • You need weird outcomes to stretch your mind.
    • You know this.
    • I’m rambling.
    • I’m trying to write today, but struggling because I’m talking D&D with my buddies.
    • All of them, really.
    • I feel like I opened the flood gates.
    • And I’m just getting to orchestrate fun for people and work on my storytelling and improv.
    • “I’ve got something to say! It’s better to burn out than fade away!”
    • (If you know, you know.)
    • They’re remaking that with Henry Cavill and the guys behind John Wick.
    • I cannot wait.
    • I’m going to watch the old crappy version this week while convalescing.
    • It was one of those movies we’d watch as teenagers over and over and over again.
    • Highlander
    • Conan the Barbarian
    • The Terminator
    • Aliens
    • Heartbreak Ridge
    • I had three of those on one VHS tape.
    • (No, I do not remember which.)
    • Probably Star Wars, Empire and Raiders were wrapped in there, too.
    • Lethal Weapon
    • This is what we did when we were not skating, playing D&D, or doing something on the NES.
    • We’d have epic Pro Wrestling tournaments.
    • I beat our unbeatable friend and true story, he hit the power button right when the ref was saying, “Three!”
    • I always say this in the work list when this stuff comes up, but those kids in Stranger Things?
    • Us.
    • More or less.
    • Do you know how I got started in D&D?
    • I had this older cousin Jeff.
    • One year for Xmas, he gave me the D&D red box, which was the basic rules.
    • And then we played.
    • Melted my brain.
    • And I’m not sure how it got brought up to my friend group, but once it did, it was part of our lives into college.
    • Geeks.
    • I took time off from being a geek in college.
    • Because girls.
    • Had a whole conversation with the Wife yesterday about how much awareness she had of my geekery.
    • She says she knew the whole time.
    • Geekness has gravity and I’ve been pulled back in.
    • Coinciding with this GenX/50-something “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me.” mentality that keeps growing.
    • That’s my theme song, btw.
    • My core value.
    • My mission statement.
    • My ethos.
    • Dude.
    • I hate being told what to do.
    • Hate it.
    • Society is what it is.
    • Much dissonance.
    • I’m not sure I even want to work on it.
    • I do.
    • I persevere.
    • You do what you gotta do, right?
    • What I’m learning RIGHT NOW is how to get more of what I want from this life.
    • I let it win for too long.
    • No longer.
    • You are not guaranteed any time here.
    • Any time you spend neck deep in someone’s ends other than your own is a waste of your most valuable resource.
    • Fuck your commute mandate, Gov. Stitt.
    • Stop living quiet lives of indentured servitude.
    • This is what stream of consciousness gets you.
    • This is the stuff I’m passionate about.
    • My current state of happiness makes me want to push these things.
    • To find paths.
    • To lift myself and all my people up.
    • Freedom must be seized.
    • Hope you’re having a pocket full of sunshine today.
    • Love you guys.
  • Disrespectre

    Disrespectre

    • We’re out of creamer, so today, we went to Starbucks.
    • Because I can’t go very far.
    • I’m not supposed to be driving for at least two more days, but the hospital is half a mile away, and the Wife has to work.
    • I took the backroads and drove slow as fuck.
    • For those of you playing the home game, at work where these bullets all started, I refer to the family as The Wife and The Teenager.
    • No one by name ever.
    • It’s easier to keep doing that.
    • If you know us IRL, you know their names anyway.
    • The Barista, and she seemed in a good mood, said, “I have to ask you the question of the day.”
    • Me: “Okay, shoot.”
    • “The zombie apocalypse happens. What do you do first?”
    • “Shoot myself.”
    • Her mouth dropped open. She laughed. “What?!”
    • “I don’t want to live through that.”
    • And then we talked about it for a minute.
    • One of my Profanity friends, who’s one of those brilliant guys who skipped a year in school and now manages a Home Depot, said it to me when a similar conversation popped up in Chat.
    • It’s stayed with me.
    • I think he’s right.
    • I mean, by your fortieth can of beans and sleeping on the ground, worrying about whether your brains are about to get eaten, what’s the point?
    • Food for thought.
    • Next: Bon Jovi
    • Went out for Mexican food last night.
    • The Teenager drove, which she loathes doing.
    • While on the way, Bon Jovi came on whatever that shitty radio station was.
    • I have to upgrade the radio in the Wife’s car. It’s awful.
    • We had a whole short conversation about how if Bon Jovi pops up, we’ll listen to it, but we’ll never play it on purpose.
    • Then Journey came on.
    • Same thing.
    • Oooooooh, we’re halfway there, OOOOOOOOH, livin’ on a prayer.
    • My brains are broken.
    • Btw, I had both “Zomb” and “Bon” written on my palm so I would not forget to write about them.
    • Also, I have not missed a day bombarding The Teenager with “A Pocket Full of Sunshine.”
    • The cries of anguish are glorious.
    • Speaking of cries of anguish …
    • I have been buying stickers for my laptops and the Teenager’s.
    • All of them come from wickedclothes.com.
    • If you go there, well, look up Disrespectre.
    • Cause I have that on the laptop next to the trackpad.
    • You want the health update?
    • Staples allegedly come out this week.
    • My innards are wrecked.
    • I cannot get far from a bathroom, is what I’m saying.
    • I’m dizzy, but not like vertigo dizzy.
    • Just wobbly.
    • I have periodic stabs of pain along the staples.
    • In the words of the Swayze, “Pain don’t hurt.”
    • I have one-to-four doc appointments per week.
    • The Mayo stuff resumes next week or the week after.
    • Once a week, I have to go in for labs and to have the dressing change on the PICC IV.
    • I’m on … like nine meds?
    • I’m trying to avoid doing massive amounts of ‘roids unless these antibiotics don’t work.
    • There’s a lot, is what I’m saying.
    • I’m not whining, mind you.
    • Honestly, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a decade.
    • I don’t know how to explain that.
    • Like they messed up something in my brain and now I’m happy.
    • It’s odd.
    • There you go.
    • This way, if you talk to TCC HR, know I’m still so jacked up it’s unreal.
    • Physically.
    • I have so much happiness and gratitude, however, it’s crazy.
    • Again, there’s something wrong with me.
    • We saw Thunderbolts yesterday.
    • I know you probably so my short post yesterday.
    • It’s a top-10 Marvel flick.
    • And I’m in the Yelena/Florence Pugh fan camp forever now.
    • Holy shit. What an unexpectedly great superhero movie.
    • I cannot wait to see what they do with this.
    • This is getting long for the book of faces.
    • It’ll be great on the blog (skepticlysm.com).
    • Go sign up.
    • Get the email.
    • Ignore it.
    • Whatever works.
    • We’ll talk books or some shit tomorrow.
    • The compulsion is real.
    • Also, I got nothing else to do while I sit here on the couch.
    • Grateful for you guys.
    • Hope you have a pocketful of sunshine.
    • Heh.
  • Catching a Sturgeon

    Catching a Sturgeon

    • I wasn’t supposed to do one of these on the weekend, but I’m up before everyone and have nothing else to do.
    • I’m becoming a morning person because of those goddamn animals.
    • Ginny, the fluffy white cat, wakes us up every day now.
    • Damn her.
    • Anyway, while walking around taking my nine meds …
    • 10?
    • (AP Style is numbers are spelled out until you get to 10, then you use the numbers. FYI.)
    • … while walking around taking all my meds, I was thinking about why I write.
    • It has to be some sort of affirmation, right?
    • Oh, guys! Look at me! Look at what I did!
    • Only there’s this part that would be doing something like this even if I did not show it to you.
    • I have journals.
    • I have shitloads of fiction I’ve never shown anyone.
    • It’s odd, is what I’m saying.
    • I have something to write about movies.
    • Because, duh.
    • There is so much shit out now.
    • I used to reference Sturgeon’s Law, which is: “90 percent of everything is crap.”
    • I feel it’s higher.
    • Or filmmakers have regressed.
    • You know, if you know me, I served as film critic/editor for Urban Tulsa Weekly for 11 years.
    • I wrote more than a million words about movies.
    • And then I wrote my Master’s thesis on film critics.
    • I’m to this point in life, based on conversations and the Internet, where I really do not share my opinions about films anymore.
    • Like I had a guy go on and on about how great The Substance was, how Demi deserved her Oscar, blah, blah, blah.
    • No.
    • No it was not. No, she did not.
    • It looked like it was shot by amateurs (and don’t get me started on that; like how in the fuck does The Wheel of Time look like a really damned expensive TV show? How is that possible? They’re literally wrecking the books and it looks like it was shot by film school students. Raiders of the Lost Ark has better cinematography than most crap I see today).
    • … it’s like movie Tourette’s.
    • I’m scared to watch the Best Picture winner this year because of this.
    • Because from the trailer, it looks awful.
    • Hopefully, I’m wrong.
    • But in any case, the bar is low now.
    • I see people complain about Marvel flicks, and while I do feel their quality has dipped a bit since Avengers: Endgame, I’ve liked a handful.
    • The Internet wants us to be tired of them, to hate them.
    • I don’t see it.
    • Judge each film on its merits.
    • But the crap I see written about movies these days is a bunch of assholes with agendas.
    • Hell, it’s probably even AI or AI-assisted.
    • I’m sorry, but if you’re a journalist and you’re using AI to “help” you with op/ed pieces, you are a giant sack of crap.
    • Which brings us back around to … stop listening to people on the Internet, including me.
    • It’s why I will not really review a movie anymore.
    • You want to chat about movies, DM me.
    • Or, fuck, I’ll start a Discord server and we can sit and talk movies all the time.
    • Lemme know.
    • What else?
    • The swelling in my face is going down.
    • I’m not talking about the zipper on my head, either.
    • I’m talking about all the swelling I had from the … infectious disease, like the stuff around my eye and in my cheek bones.
    • My head is noticeably thinner.
    • OMG the antibiotics are working.
    • Yes, I’m still dizzy.
    • Yes, I have an IV in my arm for another five weeks.
    • Yes, my jaw is probably crooked for the rest of my life
    • But … this shit may be dying in my dome.
    • Hallelujah, pass the coffee.
    • I cannot have a drink until I’m off the antibiotics.
    • I’m not an alcoholic, but I’m dying for a rye whiskey.
    • That’s a whole other conversation.
    • You kids have a good Sunday.
    • Maybe we can talk about Thunderbolts later today.
    • Hope you have a pocket full of sunshine.
    • Disclaimer: I’m not actually mad. #truth
  • Have You Tried Staples?

    Have You Tried Staples?

    • Hey, what is up.
    • Coming at you from non-malignant brain tumor land!
    • 45 staples in my dome are not going to fucking defeat me.
    • I have been up since five something because of the fucking dogs.
    • (This is the kinda list you get when I’m not writing them for work.)
    • (Profanity warning!)
    • When Steph took Kaia to school this morning (after we had a great conversation about her dreams), I found myself craving some Prodigy “The Fat of the Land,” so I queued that up on Spotify on the TV and let it go.
    • So good.
    • “Smack My Bitch Up” has a spectacular second half.
    • “Narayan” is fantastic, too.
    • Good album all around, really.
    • Get some.
    • So we have this Family text chat. Me, Steph, my sister, by BIL and Kaia.
    • It’s full of all kinds of random shit
    • This morning, Kaia told us all about something in her class playing Natasha Bedingfield’s “Pocket Full of Sunshine,” which you know from Easy A with Emma Stone.
    • I kinda like it.
    • Kaia hates it.
    • So now I’m going to ambush her as often as I can.
    • I have this thing for songs that are borderline electronic with women singers.
    • I will not apologize for it.
    • I’m still a metalhead, but I’m also of this age where I do not give a fuck about what I’m “supposed” to like.
    • I’ve got a pocket, a pocket full of sunshine …
    • If you’re a facebook person, you should know I write a bullet-list column for work.
    • It’s sanitized for work.
    • Not how my brain works, but … I get to write a column for work.
    • Here’s the thing.
    • I can’t not do it.
    • It has become a writing compulsion.
    • So I’m going to write these the whole time I’m recuperating and getting treatment for the mass.
    • I’ll post them on my blog because Facebook fundamentally sucks.
    • Go there. Subscribe.
    • Something that happened while I was in the hospital.
    • I came up with an idea for a business, so I’m going to be launching that shit while I’m on FMLA and waiting on the sawed hole in my dome to heal.
    • I can no longer allow other people to control my creative endeavors.
    • I am finished with being an Indentured.
    • #DoNotGoGentle
    • Stay tuned.
    • The idea involves the launch of a website.
    • #FuckYoSocialMedia
    • I’m either good at this writing/entertainment nonsense or I’m not, but I think I am.
    • Buckle up, kids.
    • These lists are going to be unfiltered, and I’m going to call people on their responses to some of the shit I’m going to say.
    • You’ve been warned!
    • BTW, hey TCC people, thank you for being here and for your support.
    • I apologize for all the F bombs, but … this is the real me.
    • I got in trouble when I was four for saying jackass in front of my great grandma.
    • I said chicken shit soup in kindergarten.
    • I called the sub teacher a butthole in second grade.
    • I have an uncertified degree in profanity is what I’m saying.
    • This is the real me.
    • And this is the first Black List, which will be part of the new business.
    • All that said, the TCC Librarians are one of my favorite groups on campus.
    • I actually plan on having a Teams meeting with the Librarians when I get back on the clock.
    • More on that later.
    • The last episode of “Friends and Neighbors” on AppleTV was spectacular.
    • I am super stoked to see “Thunderbolts*” this weekend.
    • We thought I would not be able to handle it, but … I can.
    • Fuck them staples.
    • Do what you want, but you’re never gonna break me …
    • You know what else I have planned now?
    • My tat sleeve.
    • SHIT IS HAPPENING.
    • Love you guys.
    • Thanks for your support.
    • Subscribe over on the blog.
    • More to come!!