skepticlysm

Tag: anxiety

  • MFing Mondays

    MFing Mondays

    • I have done gummies once.
    • When Brad visited a year ago.
    • Was fun, actually.
    • Have not since.
    • Do not want to do that with my kid in the house, for one.
    • For another, I did not sleep worth a damn after.
    • Prior to that, only alcohol.
    • Never wanted to experiment with drugs.
    • Just Say No worked on me.
    • And other negative substance abuse influences in my life.
    • You go one of two ways with that kind of thing.
    • I bring this up because … Had an MRI this morning.
    • I can’t do MRIs without having valium.
    • Panic attacks ensue.
    • Hell, I had a panic attack while ON a valium during an MRI once.
    • I never thought I was claustrophobic, but … maybe?
    • Anyway, we’re still riding the valium wave.
    • A bit.
    • They don’t tend to stay with me very long.
    • Two hours, tops.
    • I started having panic attacks when the kid was about nine months old.
    • If you’ve never had one, I hope you don’t.
    • Because it feels like you’re dying.
    • When they first started, my doc gave me a script for Xanax.
    • First time I took one of those, I understood how people became addicted to drugs.
    • That was the most relaxed I have ever been in my entire life, before or since.
    • Peace and mindfulness in a pill.
    • In the course of all this medical drama, I’ve had Oxy.
    • Does nothing for me.
    • Not any better than Tylenol.
    • Xanax did not cure my panic attacks, btw.
    • Nor did buspirone.
    • Kali and JKD did.
    • Martial arts.
    • I can’t adequately explain the level of emotional confidence and control martial arts gave me.
    • Granted, I was training five days a week, but still.
    • How much of anxiety comes from feeling unsafe?
    • And how much of our coping mechanisms are based around control?
    • You control nothing but yourself.
    • Focus on you.
    • Monday morning MRI.
    • This is what you get.
    • I gotta say, having a PICC has been fantastic for labwork.
    • I haven’t gotten stuck since leaving the Mayo.
    • Annoying to have, but … advantages!
    • Pockets of sunshine!
    • Every time I leave the house, I think about how my skull has not healed shut yet.
    • Like, now would be the worst time to have a car accident, know what I’m sayin’?
    • Would my brains spill out?
    • Started today thinking it might be fun to write a chemically influenced list.
    • It’s not.
    • It’s just whining about medical crap.
    • Everyone have a good weekend?
    • Mine was D&D dominated.
    • Friday and Sunday nights.
    • DMing is stressful.
    • You have to build a story that will be compelling and fun.
    • And you have to be ready to toss it out the window when they do something you did not plan for, which is literally every session.
    • Great for improv development.
    • And storytelling.
    • Should translate to book writing.
    • But man, your head has to be in it.
    • Looking at people and reading the room.
    • Oof.
    • Under pressure.
    • I did have that Old Fashioned finally.
    • Awwww yisssss.
    • Just one.
    • Moderation.
    • You see that study that reported how many parents in America have an alcohol problem?
    • Sigh.
    • At work, writing these, I have a mandate to entertain and uplift.
    • This would not be that, would it?
    • Nothing funny here.
    • Bah.
    • You’re watching Murderbot, right?
    • You have AppleTV, right?
    • Of all the streaming services, they’re making the best content.
    • There’s not a ton of it, but it’s almost all good.
    • And they are definitely the standard bearers for modern sci-fi shows.
    • They’re making Neuromancer.
    • Holy F I cannot wait for that.
    • Amazon did a great job with The Peripheral.
    • Lameass to have cancelled it.
    • But yeah, Murderbot.
    • Read those books while you’re at it
    • I started Sunrise on the Reaping over the weekend.
    • The actual print book.
    • I haven’t read a printed book in more than a year because of all this eye bullshit.
    • Book’s pretty good so far.
    • Talked to Kaia about it.
    • Her take is that the writing is okay, but the story’s good.
    • So I asked her what books had her favorite prose:
    • Gallant
    • Song of Achilles
    • We are All So Good at Smiling
    • I’ve read one of those (Song of Achilles).
    • She’s not wrong on that one for sure.
    • And V.E. Schwab usually writes good stuff (Gallant).
    • I think that Smiling is verse?
    • A whole novel written as a poem?
    • Holy crap.
    • Steph just asked Kaia and me what our favorite literary devices were.
    • I had to have a definition to answer.
    • Stuff like metaphor, foreshadowing, etc.
    • Been a long time since I had a lit class.
    • Oooh, that stuff.
    • I’m not answering here, but it made me think of Hemingway.
    • That story I love of his, “Hills like White Elephants.”
    • On the surface, it’s about a couple waiting at a train station.
    • They talk.
    • There’re implied things.
    • The story itself is about an abortion, but that’s never said, never once stated.
    • It is brilliant.
    • I wonder if the kids of today could even pick up on any of it.
    • Everything has to be explained.
    • Effing over exposition.
    • It is on you to delve deeper, to think critically.
    • You can’t have control of anything if you understand nothing.
    • You can’t ascend if you can’t think for yourself.
    • Motherfucking Monday.
    • I gotta quit.
    • I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Monday-Tuesday

    Monday-Tuesday

    • “All I want to do is get high by the beach …”
    • That Lana Del Rey song has lived rent-free in my head for weeks.
    • It’s also all I want from life.
    • Not the high part.
    • Maybe six or so Mai Tais.
    • The “by the beach” part.
    • Yes.
    • That.
    • Lists have skirted this topic for the last month, but here’s the thing.
    • I have had a substantial perspective shift about life because of the surgery and situation.
    • She carved out a mass pushing into my brain.
    • All the labs and whatnot call this a brain tumor.
    • (Not cancerous.)
    • We were all scared of the risks of this, the potential of … death.
    • And though it might’ve been a routine surgery for the surgeon, it sure was not routine for us.
    • Here on the other side …
    • Why would I ever buy into the artificial stress and drama and bullshit about work again?
    • Why would I care?
    • I care more about living a fulfilling life, one of meaning.
    • Because honestly, the past seven months of my life have put all that nonsense to pasture.
    • I can work my ass off, doing great creative work that crushes its objectives and still not get ahead.
    • If you’re not rewarded for your hard work, why should you continue to care?
    • Anyway.
    • Hi.
    • Happy Tuesday!
    • Took the weekend off Listing.
    • I can’t post half of what I just wrote because people from my place of work read this.
    • Sigh.
    • The previous bullets were edited of the more severe thoughts and indictments.
    • But truth, I have “High by the Beach” is currently playing on loop in the Pixel Buds.
    • Good bass.
    • Fits the mood.
    • And they say the best way to rid yourself of an earworm is to listen to the whole song.
    • I’m not really trying to rid myself of it.
    • I dunno how many of you out there can play one song on loop over and over.
    • I know people besides me do it, because I’ve seen the social posts about it.
    • Social’s good for something I suppose.
    • You see that movie thing I posted from the New Yorker?
    • Basically, the dumbing down of movies.
    • It was one of those, “Yes, that!” things when I saw it.
    • Like the latest Mission: Impossible.
    • Dug it, by the way, but the last two episodes of that franchise, they have these scenes where groups of people are talking about the Situation, and the dialogue that should be from one person is delivered in sequence by all the people in the room, like they’re mind-linked.
    • Tears me out of the experience every time.
    • And it’s always fucking exposition.
    • We need to explain this so you understand the gravity of what’s happening.
    • I call that lazy writing.
    • Telling, not showing.
    • Drives me insane.
    • And I liked the movie.
    • Not the best in the series, but it didn’t suck.
    • The plane thing is the same as the helicopter bit with Henry Cavill two movies ago.
    • The underwater sequence is super intense.
    • Tom is crazy.
    • But dammit, I hate obvious exposition.
    • Social media’s made everyone so dumb they have to have everything overexplained because they lack any sort of critical thinking?
    • Hey, sure, let’s continue to defund public education.
    • JFC.
    • Mansplaining has become necessary.
    • Just call it ‘Splaining at this point, because anyone can do it.
    • I’m not.
    • I’m staying Gibsonian about this stuff.
    • Hemingwayish.
    • Imply through showing.
    • If they get it, they get it.
    • If not, well, read better.
    • #SuckLess
    • Still gotta make that a t-shirt.
    • I’ll add it to the list.
    • Yes, I’m going to open an online t-shirt shop.
    • I’m inundated with t-shirts in my social feeds, and most of them, even if they’re clever, look like they’re designed by AI or amateurs.
    • I know good designers.
    • There’s a hole to be filled.
    • There’s potential to crush there.
    • One need only take the chance.
    • Part of the plan.
    • And oh yes, the skullduggery (heh) has forced me to create a plan.
    • I have to write it down, but that’s what I’m spending the next couple of weeks of my convalescence doing.
    • Make the change you want to be or some shit.
    • So easy to write in cliché, btw.
    • I had a Pixel Bud scare today.
    • I dropped the case in the Doc’s office, the pods exploding out and skittering across the floor.
    • When I got back to the car, they wouldn’t come on.
    • Still not after sticking it on the charger.
    • Had to troubleshoot on the Google.
    • They’re now functioning properly, but … F.
    • Brain was running finance scenarios, because I do not have $200 to replace these things at the moment.
    • Between the car and the brain …
    • Oof.
    • Most important devices in my life at the moment:
    • 1) Kindle paperwhite
    • 2) pixel bud pros
    • 3) laptop
    • I’m not sure I can ever do without those three things at this point.
    • Sure, I still have my paper journals, but …
    • Honestly, I’m missing the Heavys a lot at the moment.
    • (Headphones for metalheads. 50 hours of battery life. Eight speakers. Sound soooooo good.)
    • But I can’t really squeeze the skull at the moment.
    • 6-12 weeks for the bones to heal.
    • Clicks sometimes still.
    • Yeah, get some of that.
    • Mikey, ran long again
    • Shrug.
    • Deal with it.
    • Heh.
    • Today’s forecast: patio sitting with a side of trip to the hospital to get the PICC serviced.
    • Don’t let that fool you.
    • It’s going to be a great week.
    • Addendum: Add “The Library at Mount Char” to the Urban Fantasy section of the booklist from the weekend.
    • Out.