skepticlysm

Tag: depression

  • Seriously, Don’t Read This One

    Seriously, Don’t Read This One

    • Hard to avoid the medical nonsense at the moment.
    • Getting the PICC line out as soon as someone figures out the orders.
    • I cannot adequately express how much I’m anticipating this.
    • I have had to sit here and watch the muscle melt from my bones, what little cardio I had left evaporate.
    • I can do stretches and whatnot.
    • I’ve done less than I could’ve.
    • (Gotta stress that part; I could be doing better rather than sitting here whining about it.)
    • I was doing the walking, but that damn rash.
    • But the rebuilding begins soon as that thing is out.
    • Gone along with the excuses.
    • Today or tomorrow, we’re turning the corner.
    • I hate waiting.
    • I hate waiting on anything.
    • Patience is not one of my virtues.
    • Other people spending my Time currency is going to be less and less tolerated as we progress.
    • (One of my hospital room revelations.)
    • The other medical stuff … We’ve been taking care of Mom for almost a week.
    • Hard seeing your parent in pain.
    • She’s doing well, obviously.
    • Knew she would.
    • Having to keep tabs on her to make sure she doesn’t overdo it.
    • Because that’s where I get it from, after all.
    • Have had birthdays in the last week.
    • Have a friend who’s lost a parent.
    • Had a dumbass internet death scare.
    • It’s a lot.
    • And that’s leaving out the unnecessary, manufactured unrest of the country.
    • Hope you are taking care of yourselves.
    • Oh, the other thing.
    • The bigger thing.
    • At the precipice of returning to work.
    • Probably going to ease into some wfh these next two weeks before we go back to the Mayo.
    • If they let me, anyway.
    • If they don’t, I’ll sit here and burn out the rest of my FMLA and continue to fend off the creeping work stress.
    • Because it gets into my head even when I’m not there.
    • Insidious.
    • And bullshit.
    • Work isn’t why we’re here.
    • The toll is overpriced.
    • I’m sorry, but you’re never going to convince me of the validity of Puritanical work ethos.
    • It’s propaganda.
    • You know, this is not what the list is for.
    • Not its purpose.
    • (Though this one’s pretty typical for a Monday.)
    • It’s not supposed to be a journal.
    • Supposed to be a little more on the entertainment side.
    • Like, I started reading T. Kingfisher’s “Nettle and Bone” a couple nights ago.
    • Digging it so far.
    • Pretty prose.
    • Interesting world.
    • I had to take a break from Carl and Donut.
    • Not sure if that’s an indictment of me or the book.
    • Probably me.
    • Adult onset adhd.
    • Which I’m more inclined to think is happening.
    • Boredom induced.
    • Takes more to hold my interest outside of that goddamn phone.
    • Oh.
    • That reminds me.
    • The other day, I saw an Instagram post that used the word “seggs” (with the e as an asterisk) to substitute for sex.
    • What the actual fuck.
    • Apparently the algorithms are filtering for language, so people are coming up with “creative” ways to get around it.
    • Which makes them sound like 12yos.
    • Seggs.
    • …
    • This world is starting to piss me off.
    • More.
    • Seriously though, what kind of head-in-the-sand person are you if you can’t even read the word “sex?”
    • Pretending something doesn’t exist is not the way you cope with anything.
    • Avoidance is the enemy.
    • Another one of those things where … I’m sorry you can’t deal with it, but that doesn’t give you the right to make others filter it for you.
    • A country a third-filled with adult-aged infants.
    • Check out some of the stuff in the Big Beautiful Bill if you don’t believe me.
    •  Politicians of all kinds are not looking out for us.
    • There are a few.
    • But most of them do not understand … do not gaf … about the public service aspect of their “jobs.”
    • I should not post this one.
    • Reread it.
    • Should not.
    • It’s all an angry little man gnashing his teeth and spewing verbal frustration.
    • Cept for that one little part about the book.
    • We rewatched “Super 8” over the weekend.
    • Could not help but notice the influence it had on “Stranger Things.”
    • (Damn you, Facebook, for making italics a pain in the ass. Yes, I know you can, but the hoops make it ridiculous. However, the quotes around titles when they should be italicized drives me insane.)
    • Good flick, though.
    • Again, reminds me of the gang and our tween and teen adventures.
    • People close to me keep trying to convince me to write a book of those adventures.
    • I don’t want to because … I’m the protagonist in my memories, and those are suspect and not necessarily accurate depictions of other points of view.
    • I would hate it if I wrote it from mine, it did not line up with theirs, and they hated it.
    • Like, there’s an audience of eight, and their approval is more relevant than an Amazon rating.
    • Sure, it sounds like an excuse.
    • But I have a lot of lines I will not cross.
    • Would it be liberating to have fewer morals?
    • Fewer ideals?
    • Less guilt?
    • Less responsibility?
    • If you do not feel responsibility, then you’re probably not paying an internal price.
    • If you’re not paying an internal price, you can do whatever you want.
    • Look down on whoever you want.
    • Be Gordon Gekko with his “Greed is good” bullshit.
    • And as karma (and other things) isn’t real …
    • Now we’re getting somewhere, right?
    • The heart of those differing perspectives.
    • One of the Discord denizens discovered Spotify uses AI “bands.”
    • I read about a month ago about them creating AI “artists” and having them cover a song and then throwing those into the algorithm.
    • There’s AI as a tool that can help us do some things more efficiently.
    • Then there’s AI used for creating profit at the expense of artists’ careers.
    • Again, greed isn’t good.
    • Goddammit.
    • This list is a skippable offense.
    • I warned you at the beginning.
    • Or I will when I post it anyway, which puts these last bullets into the time loop.
    • Have the Monday you deserve.
    • …
    • Take the Monday you deserve.
    • Fucking take it.
    • (The “take” is italicized.)
    • (Which means jack on the blog because I can italicize there.)
    • (But I write in Word.)
    • (if I cut-and-paste from the blog, it jacks up the facebook post.)
    • (Screw all this; I’m moving to monetization land.)
    • (I may not be able to do lists for work anymore.)
    • (These may have destroyed my filter.)
    • (“Who will life to escaping? Who is bad milk blood robot? Scream not working because space make deaf.”)

  • Monday-Tuesday

    Monday-Tuesday

    • “All I want to do is get high by the beach …”
    • That Lana Del Rey song has lived rent-free in my head for weeks.
    • It’s also all I want from life.
    • Not the high part.
    • Maybe six or so Mai Tais.
    • The “by the beach” part.
    • Yes.
    • That.
    • Lists have skirted this topic for the last month, but here’s the thing.
    • I have had a substantial perspective shift about life because of the surgery and situation.
    • She carved out a mass pushing into my brain.
    • All the labs and whatnot call this a brain tumor.
    • (Not cancerous.)
    • We were all scared of the risks of this, the potential of … death.
    • And though it might’ve been a routine surgery for the surgeon, it sure was not routine for us.
    • Here on the other side …
    • Why would I ever buy into the artificial stress and drama and bullshit about work again?
    • Why would I care?
    • I care more about living a fulfilling life, one of meaning.
    • Because honestly, the past seven months of my life have put all that nonsense to pasture.
    • I can work my ass off, doing great creative work that crushes its objectives and still not get ahead.
    • If you’re not rewarded for your hard work, why should you continue to care?
    • Anyway.
    • Hi.
    • Happy Tuesday!
    • Took the weekend off Listing.
    • I can’t post half of what I just wrote because people from my place of work read this.
    • Sigh.
    • The previous bullets were edited of the more severe thoughts and indictments.
    • But truth, I have “High by the Beach” is currently playing on loop in the Pixel Buds.
    • Good bass.
    • Fits the mood.
    • And they say the best way to rid yourself of an earworm is to listen to the whole song.
    • I’m not really trying to rid myself of it.
    • I dunno how many of you out there can play one song on loop over and over.
    • I know people besides me do it, because I’ve seen the social posts about it.
    • Social’s good for something I suppose.
    • You see that movie thing I posted from the New Yorker?
    • Basically, the dumbing down of movies.
    • It was one of those, “Yes, that!” things when I saw it.
    • Like the latest Mission: Impossible.
    • Dug it, by the way, but the last two episodes of that franchise, they have these scenes where groups of people are talking about the Situation, and the dialogue that should be from one person is delivered in sequence by all the people in the room, like they’re mind-linked.
    • Tears me out of the experience every time.
    • And it’s always fucking exposition.
    • We need to explain this so you understand the gravity of what’s happening.
    • I call that lazy writing.
    • Telling, not showing.
    • Drives me insane.
    • And I liked the movie.
    • Not the best in the series, but it didn’t suck.
    • The plane thing is the same as the helicopter bit with Henry Cavill two movies ago.
    • The underwater sequence is super intense.
    • Tom is crazy.
    • But dammit, I hate obvious exposition.
    • Social media’s made everyone so dumb they have to have everything overexplained because they lack any sort of critical thinking?
    • Hey, sure, let’s continue to defund public education.
    • JFC.
    • Mansplaining has become necessary.
    • Just call it ‘Splaining at this point, because anyone can do it.
    • I’m not.
    • I’m staying Gibsonian about this stuff.
    • Hemingwayish.
    • Imply through showing.
    • If they get it, they get it.
    • If not, well, read better.
    • #SuckLess
    • Still gotta make that a t-shirt.
    • I’ll add it to the list.
    • Yes, I’m going to open an online t-shirt shop.
    • I’m inundated with t-shirts in my social feeds, and most of them, even if they’re clever, look like they’re designed by AI or amateurs.
    • I know good designers.
    • There’s a hole to be filled.
    • There’s potential to crush there.
    • One need only take the chance.
    • Part of the plan.
    • And oh yes, the skullduggery (heh) has forced me to create a plan.
    • I have to write it down, but that’s what I’m spending the next couple of weeks of my convalescence doing.
    • Make the change you want to be or some shit.
    • So easy to write in cliché, btw.
    • I had a Pixel Bud scare today.
    • I dropped the case in the Doc’s office, the pods exploding out and skittering across the floor.
    • When I got back to the car, they wouldn’t come on.
    • Still not after sticking it on the charger.
    • Had to troubleshoot on the Google.
    • They’re now functioning properly, but … F.
    • Brain was running finance scenarios, because I do not have $200 to replace these things at the moment.
    • Between the car and the brain …
    • Oof.
    • Most important devices in my life at the moment:
    • 1) Kindle paperwhite
    • 2) pixel bud pros
    • 3) laptop
    • I’m not sure I can ever do without those three things at this point.
    • Sure, I still have my paper journals, but …
    • Honestly, I’m missing the Heavys a lot at the moment.
    • (Headphones for metalheads. 50 hours of battery life. Eight speakers. Sound soooooo good.)
    • But I can’t really squeeze the skull at the moment.
    • 6-12 weeks for the bones to heal.
    • Clicks sometimes still.
    • Yeah, get some of that.
    • Mikey, ran long again
    • Shrug.
    • Deal with it.
    • Heh.
    • Today’s forecast: patio sitting with a side of trip to the hospital to get the PICC serviced.
    • Don’t let that fool you.
    • It’s going to be a great week.
    • Addendum: Add “The Library at Mount Char” to the Urban Fantasy section of the booklist from the weekend.
    • Out.

  • Soul Turbulence

    Soul Turbulence

    • And I know why.
    • It’s Dave’s fault.
    • Because of that parking lot picture.
    • And my comment.
    • For the past however many weeks, because of my time traveling brain, obviously, this song keeps popping up.
    • https://open.spotify.com/track/0rRboI6IRuGx56Dq3UdYY4?si=92a337de08f24151
    • Earworms are a hellvua drug.
    • I never listened to the whole song before … now.
    • (That’s another song I can’t link at work.)
    • A lot of rap, mind you.
    • But not that.
    • No, I don’t know why (hey, heyyyyyy).
    • That’s not why we’ve gathered here today.
    • We’re here to talk about Hope.
    • “Do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.”
    • I have an ingrained distrust of hope.
    • My therapist and I could get into the why of that.
    • I don’t like hoping.
    • Because I hate the letdown.
    • Yes, it’s irrational.
    • Dumb, even.
    • But, ah, there it is.
    • Yesterday, I met with a geneticist at the Mayo via video.
    • We talked about my prognosis.
    • She feels the infectious disease crew is on the right path.
    • Based on how I feel at the moment and the pathology and all the things.
    • I feel hopeful for the first time in many moons.
    • Trying not to.
    • You see?
    • Trauma messes with your brains.
    • I had half a list yesterday about mental health.
    • Deleted it.
    • I feel like everyone should have to do mental health check-ups with professionals just like you do with your PCP.
    • The stigma about getting therapy is your problem.
    • Seeking help doesn’t make you weak.
    • Being afraid to makes you kind of a coward, if you ask me.
    • Just my opinion.
    • And you know what I think about those.
    • Anyway.
    • Saw this article the other day about how rewatching and rereading your favorite films and books is a solid mental health coping mechanism.
    • It’s good for you.
    • Duh.
    • Saw another article that said something about how the Metal kids from the ‘80s turned out to be well-adjusted adults.
    • Debatable.
    • But then, why would listening to metal lessen your chances for being well-adjusted?
    • What kind of biased bullshit is that?
    • OMG METAL ROTS YOUR BRAINS!
    • (Throws on Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ the Law.”)
    • You know what probably rots your brains?
    • All that shitty country music about trucks and dogs and broken hearts.
    • You know who doesn’t have a broken heart?
    • My brother Jay.
    • You know why?
    • Today, he gets to retire from teaching and coaching.
    • Give it up for Jay’s Day of Freedom!!
    • (Seriously. Clap in your head or something.)
    • I should’ve saved that for the end.
    • “I dunno. I’m making this up as I go.”
    • I do keep finding myself wanting to rewatch during my convalescence.
    • When I can get my head out of my phone’s ass, anyway.
    • I’d probably rewatch Raiders every other day.
    • You saw that news about Last Crusade hitting theatres again for Father’s Day, right?
    • We snuck out of the last day of school in high school to go watch that.
    • Core memory.
    • I still have not bought my Mission: Impossible tickets yet.
    • I’m not sure why.
    • I’ll do that today.
    • Aaaaaand now you’re watching me type my to-do list.
    • Definitely not why we’re here.
    • Today, I feel terrible.
    • Last night’s sleep sucked, on top of or perhaps because of all the other shit.
    • All I can think about is getting back in shape.
    • I want to move.
    • I want to run and cycle and do yoga and resistance training.
    • I can’t do shit.
    • Only walk.
    • Which is fine, but it’s boring as hell.
    • I can feel my body turning to sludge.
    • I can’t abide anymore.
    • I can’t sit here.
    • Need the skull-fusion to accelerate.
    • That goes for everything, not fitness alone.
    • Passivity is some bullshit.
    • There is turbulence of the soul.
    • One time, my therapist told me I needed to go find a field and scream out all my frustration.
    • Right now, that’d probably blow the seals on my dome.
    • But soon.
    • Soooooon.
    • Today’s list is Facebook journaling.
    • Which means I didn’t have any cultural shit to talk about.
    • I could.
    • There’s a bunch of shit we could get into.
    • I’m trying to keep us out of politics.
    • These lists really are about trying to build connection and community, after all.
    • Seriously.
    • This is the crap I’d be talking to you about if you were sitting on the couch in the living room with me.
    • Obviously, I’d be asking questions.
    • But a list of questions on the internet is data-farming, right?
    • Imma steal all yo passwords.
    • Random skills you want to master: Go!
    • Guitar playing!
    • Lock picking!
    • Podcasting!
    • Home repair!
    • Dude, where’s my car?
    • Officially into the “losing my goddamn mind” stage of recovery.
    • Tired and crazy.
    • Then again …

  • The Perfect Drug

    The Perfect Drug

    • Woke up during the 5 o’clock hour this morning.
    • As has been the case for about the last 10 days.
    • Gross.
    • Left the room so as to not wake up the Wife, and also because I had to entertain Ginny, who’s decided food and pets need to be with the sun schedule.
    • Obviously.
    • Also obviously, I scrolled the phone.
    • A clip from NIN’s “The Perfect Drug” video popped up.
    • I’d never seen it.
    • Frankly, I haven’t really seen many music videos since the ‘90s.
    • Trent, that’s some goth weirdness you had going on.
    • To be expected, sure.
    • Still.
    • Now I’m sitting here on the couch injecting myself with my IV antibiotics.
    • Well, I was.
    • Can’t type and inject at the same time.
    • But at the time I was listening to Further Down the Spiral, which is excellent NIN.
    • Still am.
    • Listening to that.
    • But while I was … shooting up, the Wife goes, “Do you feel like a druggie?”
    • “Yes. Yes I do. Did you know I’m taking Nine pills every morning?”
    • “That sucks.”
    • “Yes, yes it do.”
    • You know, a PICC IV would make it easier to be a druggie.
    • More hygienic.
    • Something.
    • I guess?
    • I have no experience in that arena.
    • But the real question … when do I get the damn thing out, and what’s that going to feel like, because they put up a big curtain when they put it in and did not let me watch.
    • Not that I wanted to.
    • I’ve gotten used to a lot of things, but I still don’t like to watch.
    • I used to be horrified of needles.
    • This one time, I had to go get a steroid shot in the backside for poison ivy.
    • The Wife and nurse thought I was going to pass out.
    • Now?
    • Now I could write like a Michelin Guide to nurses drawing blood for labs.
    • “Required multiple attempts and had to tag out. 3/10.”
    • In the hospital three weeks ago, one of the nurses asked me where I wanted a shot.
    • I was like, “Yeah, I don’t care.”
    • Acclimatization.
    • Now playing: NIN, “Eraser (Denial: Realization)”
    • One of my favorite remixes of any song ever.
    •  And then “At the Heart of It All.”
    • Again, do I share the Spotify links in the comments?
    • Do I hunt it down on Amazon?
    • Youtube?
    • Do I leave it up to you?
    • (We all know how that’ll go.)
    • (Heh.)
    • Gonna be an Industrial kinda day.
    • What I want is for NIN not to score Tron, but to score AppleTV’s Neuromancer.
    • Holy shit I cannot wait for that.
    • Last year, I reread all of William Gibson’s books.
    • He’s like a sci-fi prophet blending of Hemingway and Elmore Leonard.
    • Basically that’s who I would want to become if my life had let me write books instead of articles and ad copy.
    • (Regret is a helluva drug.)
    • Seriously, if you go read the trilogy that started with Neuromancer your brain will melt with all the shit he wrote that’s happening RIGHT NOW in society.
    • Considered NOT writing a list today.
    • Not because I don’t want to.
    • It’s the why of the thing.
    • Honestly, I hope these are entertaining.
    • That’s the goal here.
    • I have to write.
    • You need to read something other than memes and propaganda.
    • Don’t get me wrong, I could write a whole list about all the bullshit I see.
    • I’ve even considered doing it.
    • Nothing but headlines of shit, all cut-and-pasted in one place.
    • Just to prove how much crap we’re consuming.
    • Your brain reads headlines faster than your consciousness does.
    • You are imbibing nonsense.
    • We all are.
    • I’m including myself.
    • So that’s my List goal.
    • To give your feed something … real?
    • I dunno.
    • To break the stream of bullshit with … what social media started out hosting in the first place.
    • It has become crap, destroyer of brains.
    • And hope.
    • I should not have to dig to find posts from my friends and family.
    • Though if you read some of Zuck’s bullshit statements last week, you can expect 90% of your social posts to be dialogue with AI in the near future.
    • What a wonderful world.
    • I’m ready, I think, for that house in Norway on the lake that’s only free of snow like three weeks a year.
    • If I won one of those $1 billion lotteries, I’d build or buy a village and start a compound.
    • (No, there would not be spiked Kool-Aid.)
    • You know, like Elon’s dumbass company town without all his stupid horseshit.
    • Language!
    • (Sorry, kids. You know me. I do the best I can when I’m at work. But I’m not at work currently, soooooo …)
    • The other night, coming back up the driveway from taking the trash out, my skull clicked with every step.
    • Gnarly.
    • I have never had a broken bone.
    • (Maybe a toe, but I never went to the doc to confirm.)
    • So the skull thing … new to me.
    • Clicky clacky.
    • No, it has not done it since then.
    • But it reminded me bones don’t heal in two or three weeks.
    • I guess that’s why I can’t exercise for another … ugh, 3-4 weeks?
    • Yeah.
    • Oversharing Thursday!
    • Out.
    • Gotta water some veggies.
    • Because of that stupid sunshine.
    • Pockets of it.