skepticlysm

Tag: life

  • MFing Mondays

    MFing Mondays

    • I have done gummies once.
    • When Brad visited a year ago.
    • Was fun, actually.
    • Have not since.
    • Do not want to do that with my kid in the house, for one.
    • For another, I did not sleep worth a damn after.
    • Prior to that, only alcohol.
    • Never wanted to experiment with drugs.
    • Just Say No worked on me.
    • And other negative substance abuse influences in my life.
    • You go one of two ways with that kind of thing.
    • I bring this up because … Had an MRI this morning.
    • I can’t do MRIs without having valium.
    • Panic attacks ensue.
    • Hell, I had a panic attack while ON a valium during an MRI once.
    • I never thought I was claustrophobic, but … maybe?
    • Anyway, we’re still riding the valium wave.
    • A bit.
    • They don’t tend to stay with me very long.
    • Two hours, tops.
    • I started having panic attacks when the kid was about nine months old.
    • If you’ve never had one, I hope you don’t.
    • Because it feels like you’re dying.
    • When they first started, my doc gave me a script for Xanax.
    • First time I took one of those, I understood how people became addicted to drugs.
    • That was the most relaxed I have ever been in my entire life, before or since.
    • Peace and mindfulness in a pill.
    • In the course of all this medical drama, I’ve had Oxy.
    • Does nothing for me.
    • Not any better than Tylenol.
    • Xanax did not cure my panic attacks, btw.
    • Nor did buspirone.
    • Kali and JKD did.
    • Martial arts.
    • I can’t adequately explain the level of emotional confidence and control martial arts gave me.
    • Granted, I was training five days a week, but still.
    • How much of anxiety comes from feeling unsafe?
    • And how much of our coping mechanisms are based around control?
    • You control nothing but yourself.
    • Focus on you.
    • Monday morning MRI.
    • This is what you get.
    • I gotta say, having a PICC has been fantastic for labwork.
    • I haven’t gotten stuck since leaving the Mayo.
    • Annoying to have, but … advantages!
    • Pockets of sunshine!
    • Every time I leave the house, I think about how my skull has not healed shut yet.
    • Like, now would be the worst time to have a car accident, know what I’m sayin’?
    • Would my brains spill out?
    • Started today thinking it might be fun to write a chemically influenced list.
    • It’s not.
    • It’s just whining about medical crap.
    • Everyone have a good weekend?
    • Mine was D&D dominated.
    • Friday and Sunday nights.
    • DMing is stressful.
    • You have to build a story that will be compelling and fun.
    • And you have to be ready to toss it out the window when they do something you did not plan for, which is literally every session.
    • Great for improv development.
    • And storytelling.
    • Should translate to book writing.
    • But man, your head has to be in it.
    • Looking at people and reading the room.
    • Oof.
    • Under pressure.
    • I did have that Old Fashioned finally.
    • Awwww yisssss.
    • Just one.
    • Moderation.
    • You see that study that reported how many parents in America have an alcohol problem?
    • Sigh.
    • At work, writing these, I have a mandate to entertain and uplift.
    • This would not be that, would it?
    • Nothing funny here.
    • Bah.
    • You’re watching Murderbot, right?
    • You have AppleTV, right?
    • Of all the streaming services, they’re making the best content.
    • There’s not a ton of it, but it’s almost all good.
    • And they are definitely the standard bearers for modern sci-fi shows.
    • They’re making Neuromancer.
    • Holy F I cannot wait for that.
    • Amazon did a great job with The Peripheral.
    • Lameass to have cancelled it.
    • But yeah, Murderbot.
    • Read those books while you’re at it
    • I started Sunrise on the Reaping over the weekend.
    • The actual print book.
    • I haven’t read a printed book in more than a year because of all this eye bullshit.
    • Book’s pretty good so far.
    • Talked to Kaia about it.
    • Her take is that the writing is okay, but the story’s good.
    • So I asked her what books had her favorite prose:
    • Gallant
    • Song of Achilles
    • We are All So Good at Smiling
    • I’ve read one of those (Song of Achilles).
    • She’s not wrong on that one for sure.
    • And V.E. Schwab usually writes good stuff (Gallant).
    • I think that Smiling is verse?
    • A whole novel written as a poem?
    • Holy crap.
    • Steph just asked Kaia and me what our favorite literary devices were.
    • I had to have a definition to answer.
    • Stuff like metaphor, foreshadowing, etc.
    • Been a long time since I had a lit class.
    • Oooh, that stuff.
    • I’m not answering here, but it made me think of Hemingway.
    • That story I love of his, “Hills like White Elephants.”
    • On the surface, it’s about a couple waiting at a train station.
    • They talk.
    • There’re implied things.
    • The story itself is about an abortion, but that’s never said, never once stated.
    • It is brilliant.
    • I wonder if the kids of today could even pick up on any of it.
    • Everything has to be explained.
    • Effing over exposition.
    • It is on you to delve deeper, to think critically.
    • You can’t have control of anything if you understand nothing.
    • You can’t ascend if you can’t think for yourself.
    • Motherfucking Monday.
    • I gotta quit.
    • I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Monday-Tuesday

    Monday-Tuesday

    • “All I want to do is get high by the beach …”
    • That Lana Del Rey song has lived rent-free in my head for weeks.
    • It’s also all I want from life.
    • Not the high part.
    • Maybe six or so Mai Tais.
    • The “by the beach” part.
    • Yes.
    • That.
    • Lists have skirted this topic for the last month, but here’s the thing.
    • I have had a substantial perspective shift about life because of the surgery and situation.
    • She carved out a mass pushing into my brain.
    • All the labs and whatnot call this a brain tumor.
    • (Not cancerous.)
    • We were all scared of the risks of this, the potential of … death.
    • And though it might’ve been a routine surgery for the surgeon, it sure was not routine for us.
    • Here on the other side …
    • Why would I ever buy into the artificial stress and drama and bullshit about work again?
    • Why would I care?
    • I care more about living a fulfilling life, one of meaning.
    • Because honestly, the past seven months of my life have put all that nonsense to pasture.
    • I can work my ass off, doing great creative work that crushes its objectives and still not get ahead.
    • If you’re not rewarded for your hard work, why should you continue to care?
    • Anyway.
    • Hi.
    • Happy Tuesday!
    • Took the weekend off Listing.
    • I can’t post half of what I just wrote because people from my place of work read this.
    • Sigh.
    • The previous bullets were edited of the more severe thoughts and indictments.
    • But truth, I have “High by the Beach” is currently playing on loop in the Pixel Buds.
    • Good bass.
    • Fits the mood.
    • And they say the best way to rid yourself of an earworm is to listen to the whole song.
    • I’m not really trying to rid myself of it.
    • I dunno how many of you out there can play one song on loop over and over.
    • I know people besides me do it, because I’ve seen the social posts about it.
    • Social’s good for something I suppose.
    • You see that movie thing I posted from the New Yorker?
    • Basically, the dumbing down of movies.
    • It was one of those, “Yes, that!” things when I saw it.
    • Like the latest Mission: Impossible.
    • Dug it, by the way, but the last two episodes of that franchise, they have these scenes where groups of people are talking about the Situation, and the dialogue that should be from one person is delivered in sequence by all the people in the room, like they’re mind-linked.
    • Tears me out of the experience every time.
    • And it’s always fucking exposition.
    • We need to explain this so you understand the gravity of what’s happening.
    • I call that lazy writing.
    • Telling, not showing.
    • Drives me insane.
    • And I liked the movie.
    • Not the best in the series, but it didn’t suck.
    • The plane thing is the same as the helicopter bit with Henry Cavill two movies ago.
    • The underwater sequence is super intense.
    • Tom is crazy.
    • But dammit, I hate obvious exposition.
    • Social media’s made everyone so dumb they have to have everything overexplained because they lack any sort of critical thinking?
    • Hey, sure, let’s continue to defund public education.
    • JFC.
    • Mansplaining has become necessary.
    • Just call it ‘Splaining at this point, because anyone can do it.
    • I’m not.
    • I’m staying Gibsonian about this stuff.
    • Hemingwayish.
    • Imply through showing.
    • If they get it, they get it.
    • If not, well, read better.
    • #SuckLess
    • Still gotta make that a t-shirt.
    • I’ll add it to the list.
    • Yes, I’m going to open an online t-shirt shop.
    • I’m inundated with t-shirts in my social feeds, and most of them, even if they’re clever, look like they’re designed by AI or amateurs.
    • I know good designers.
    • There’s a hole to be filled.
    • There’s potential to crush there.
    • One need only take the chance.
    • Part of the plan.
    • And oh yes, the skullduggery (heh) has forced me to create a plan.
    • I have to write it down, but that’s what I’m spending the next couple of weeks of my convalescence doing.
    • Make the change you want to be or some shit.
    • So easy to write in cliché, btw.
    • I had a Pixel Bud scare today.
    • I dropped the case in the Doc’s office, the pods exploding out and skittering across the floor.
    • When I got back to the car, they wouldn’t come on.
    • Still not after sticking it on the charger.
    • Had to troubleshoot on the Google.
    • They’re now functioning properly, but … F.
    • Brain was running finance scenarios, because I do not have $200 to replace these things at the moment.
    • Between the car and the brain …
    • Oof.
    • Most important devices in my life at the moment:
    • 1) Kindle paperwhite
    • 2) pixel bud pros
    • 3) laptop
    • I’m not sure I can ever do without those three things at this point.
    • Sure, I still have my paper journals, but …
    • Honestly, I’m missing the Heavys a lot at the moment.
    • (Headphones for metalheads. 50 hours of battery life. Eight speakers. Sound soooooo good.)
    • But I can’t really squeeze the skull at the moment.
    • 6-12 weeks for the bones to heal.
    • Clicks sometimes still.
    • Yeah, get some of that.
    • Mikey, ran long again
    • Shrug.
    • Deal with it.
    • Heh.
    • Today’s forecast: patio sitting with a side of trip to the hospital to get the PICC serviced.
    • Don’t let that fool you.
    • It’s going to be a great week.
    • Addendum: Add “The Library at Mount Char” to the Urban Fantasy section of the booklist from the weekend.
    • Out.

  • Pixie Dust

    Pixie Dust

    • The stereo in the Pilot is old.
    • Because the Pilot is like a 2013 or 2012.
    • I can never remember.
    • What I’m saying is it does not do Bluetooth worth a damn, and plugging in my Android phone does nothing.
    • Why the hell would car manufacturers limit connections to one kind of phone?
    • There are more Android phones on earth than iPhones (last I bothered to give af to check), but sure, limit people’s car stereo connections to iPhones.
    • Effing Apple.
    • (As he types on an Apple product …)
    • Because of the tech limits of the Pilot, we listen to the radio a lot.
    • OMG, I hate radio.
    • Hate it.
    • I hate the commercials.
    • I can’t stand the DJs.
    • I can’t stand listening to songs I do not care about.
    • I do not have the patience for it.
    • When I drive the Pilot, I’ve taken to putting in the earbuds and firing up Spotify.
    • In many ways, streaming has been a blessing.
    • I get to listen what I want when I want.
    • No filler.
    • I do, from time to time, listen to Spotify-created playlists.
    • They’re based on my listening habits, after all.
    • Though why it keeps making me listen to Slayer I do not know.
    • Not a fan of Slayer.
    • Most boring of the Big 4.
    • Anyway, radio.
    • It’s always sucked if you want to get down to it.
    • There’s always been a filter to what you got to hear.
    • Some radio exec decided everyone needed to hear this artist and this song with this sound …
    • For the stations, find the song they think will be most popular so more people tune in to hopefully hear that song so the station can make more ad revenue.
    • Which, you know, they did not use to increase DJ pay.
    • You had to get those indie stations where the DJs actually got to choose what music you heard, like Jones used to do in College.
    • Find a DJ you like, whose tastes aligned with yours, you could make radio tolerable.
    • Other than that, fundamentally fucked.
    • Do you ever think about that?
    • How much of your life is steered by the taste of others?
    • The will of others?
    • Of other people knowing better what you need.
    • We’re all used to it, of course.
    • Takes constant vigilance to battle it.
    • Again, the older I get, the fewer opinions I seek.
    • I have people.
    • Would never say I don’t.
    • But that circle shrinks by the day.
    • I’ll find and polish my own.
    • Which brings us to these Lists.
    • Do not take my word for it, ever.
    • I’m just a talking monkey with a keyboard who wishes he could write like Shakespeare.
    • I had no plan today, obviously.
    • I had two notes, really.
    • One was about how I’ve started screen capping stupid shit on social media.
    • Dumb ads.
    • Dumber headlines.
    • Shitty attempts at consumer manipulation.
    • Tired of being manipulated for someone else’s bank account.
    • And now I want to get into politics.
    • Nay!
    • The other note says, “Walk.”
    • Went on one yesterday.
    • And it was challenging.
    • WTAF.
    • A walk!
    • Met with an infectious disease doc this morning.
    • Dude was confident the antibiotics were shrinking the thing, but they can’t take me off the IV stuff until they see it on the MRI.
    • Can’t get the IV out until then.
    • Can’t get released to go to work until the IV is out, which, you know, has its benefits.
    • Earliest appt is not until June 11.
    • Was a good call.
    • But until the IV is out, I can’t do jack except … walk.
    • That’s whining.
    • Imma stop.
    • The other part of the Walk note was … Pantera.
    • Because that’s one of their best songs.
    • Obviously.
    • (Btw, at work, I have my readers trained to do “obviously” in the Alan Rickman Snape voice.)
    • I hope to do that here, too.
    • The radio rant.
    • Unplanned.
    • Sorry for the rant.
    • But then everyone thinks I’m angry all the time anyway.
    • It isn’t true, but there it is.
    • It’s just my face, as I like to say.
    • Not shy about voicing my frustrations, however.
    • What the hell do the rest of you do?
    • Keep that bottled up?
    • Emotional cancer, man.
    • Let it out.
    • Let it flow, let it flow …
    • “Do no harm, but take no shit.”
    • That’s one of my favorites.
    • A driving mantra moving forward.
    • You think I’m angry.
    • If I am, it’s because part of me thinks I take a lot of shit.
    • I. Am. Tired of that.
    • I had an awakening in the aftermath of surgery.
    • Seriously.
    • Different tolerances for bullshit moving forward.
    • I’ll do it with a smile on my face, but … yeah.
    • Advocate for yourself.
    • You get one shot at this.
    • Time’s a-wasting.
    • Enjoy your holiday weekend.
    • …
    • …
    • …
    • And then a thing happened he did not expect.
    • What do I do when the List is too damn long already, but something else came up I  needed to get out of my head?
    • Multiple posts?
    • You really think the algo’s going to show them equally?
    • Came across this cover of “Where is My Mind,” by Ruelle.
    • (Which I shared in the List Discord server music channel.)
    • (I can’t drop a link in the List without the algorithm limiting who sees it.)
    • (The Algo, in my head, is the MCP from the original Tron.)
    • (An antagonist.)
    • (We should all be thinking of our relationships with social media algos as adversarial.)
    • (Because they are.)
    • Anyway.
    • The cover of that song is awesome.
    • Ruelle is pretty awesome, too.
    • Makes me want to go hunt down all the covers of  “Where is My Mind?”
    • We listened to the Ruelle version three or four times this morning.
    • Kaia said she still likes the original best.
    • I don’t disagree.
    • It’s good stuff.
    • First time I ever heard it was at the end of Fight Club.
    • Thank you, David Fincher, for giving me The Pixies.
    • The film that keeps on giving, you know?
    • And the answer to your unasked question … dude’s last name is Walters.
    • Okay, now we’re done.
    • Way out in the water slowly swimming …

  • Soul Turbulence

    Soul Turbulence

    • And I know why.
    • It’s Dave’s fault.
    • Because of that parking lot picture.
    • And my comment.
    • For the past however many weeks, because of my time traveling brain, obviously, this song keeps popping up.
    • https://open.spotify.com/track/0rRboI6IRuGx56Dq3UdYY4?si=92a337de08f24151
    • Earworms are a hellvua drug.
    • I never listened to the whole song before … now.
    • (That’s another song I can’t link at work.)
    • A lot of rap, mind you.
    • But not that.
    • No, I don’t know why (hey, heyyyyyy).
    • That’s not why we’ve gathered here today.
    • We’re here to talk about Hope.
    • “Do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.”
    • I have an ingrained distrust of hope.
    • My therapist and I could get into the why of that.
    • I don’t like hoping.
    • Because I hate the letdown.
    • Yes, it’s irrational.
    • Dumb, even.
    • But, ah, there it is.
    • Yesterday, I met with a geneticist at the Mayo via video.
    • We talked about my prognosis.
    • She feels the infectious disease crew is on the right path.
    • Based on how I feel at the moment and the pathology and all the things.
    • I feel hopeful for the first time in many moons.
    • Trying not to.
    • You see?
    • Trauma messes with your brains.
    • I had half a list yesterday about mental health.
    • Deleted it.
    • I feel like everyone should have to do mental health check-ups with professionals just like you do with your PCP.
    • The stigma about getting therapy is your problem.
    • Seeking help doesn’t make you weak.
    • Being afraid to makes you kind of a coward, if you ask me.
    • Just my opinion.
    • And you know what I think about those.
    • Anyway.
    • Saw this article the other day about how rewatching and rereading your favorite films and books is a solid mental health coping mechanism.
    • It’s good for you.
    • Duh.
    • Saw another article that said something about how the Metal kids from the ‘80s turned out to be well-adjusted adults.
    • Debatable.
    • But then, why would listening to metal lessen your chances for being well-adjusted?
    • What kind of biased bullshit is that?
    • OMG METAL ROTS YOUR BRAINS!
    • (Throws on Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ the Law.”)
    • You know what probably rots your brains?
    • All that shitty country music about trucks and dogs and broken hearts.
    • You know who doesn’t have a broken heart?
    • My brother Jay.
    • You know why?
    • Today, he gets to retire from teaching and coaching.
    • Give it up for Jay’s Day of Freedom!!
    • (Seriously. Clap in your head or something.)
    • I should’ve saved that for the end.
    • “I dunno. I’m making this up as I go.”
    • I do keep finding myself wanting to rewatch during my convalescence.
    • When I can get my head out of my phone’s ass, anyway.
    • I’d probably rewatch Raiders every other day.
    • You saw that news about Last Crusade hitting theatres again for Father’s Day, right?
    • We snuck out of the last day of school in high school to go watch that.
    • Core memory.
    • I still have not bought my Mission: Impossible tickets yet.
    • I’m not sure why.
    • I’ll do that today.
    • Aaaaaand now you’re watching me type my to-do list.
    • Definitely not why we’re here.
    • Today, I feel terrible.
    • Last night’s sleep sucked, on top of or perhaps because of all the other shit.
    • All I can think about is getting back in shape.
    • I want to move.
    • I want to run and cycle and do yoga and resistance training.
    • I can’t do shit.
    • Only walk.
    • Which is fine, but it’s boring as hell.
    • I can feel my body turning to sludge.
    • I can’t abide anymore.
    • I can’t sit here.
    • Need the skull-fusion to accelerate.
    • That goes for everything, not fitness alone.
    • Passivity is some bullshit.
    • There is turbulence of the soul.
    • One time, my therapist told me I needed to go find a field and scream out all my frustration.
    • Right now, that’d probably blow the seals on my dome.
    • But soon.
    • Soooooon.
    • Today’s list is Facebook journaling.
    • Which means I didn’t have any cultural shit to talk about.
    • I could.
    • There’s a bunch of shit we could get into.
    • I’m trying to keep us out of politics.
    • These lists really are about trying to build connection and community, after all.
    • Seriously.
    • This is the crap I’d be talking to you about if you were sitting on the couch in the living room with me.
    • Obviously, I’d be asking questions.
    • But a list of questions on the internet is data-farming, right?
    • Imma steal all yo passwords.
    • Random skills you want to master: Go!
    • Guitar playing!
    • Lock picking!
    • Podcasting!
    • Home repair!
    • Dude, where’s my car?
    • Officially into the “losing my goddamn mind” stage of recovery.
    • Tired and crazy.
    • Then again …

  • Breach!

    Breach!

    • For the last three weeks, I’ve visited St. Francis’ Infusion Center (or whatever they call it) to have the dressing on the PICC redone.
    • The first two times were pleasant.
    • Had good conversations with my nurses.
    • Got some of that skin-pulling pain as they peeled off the old dressing.
    • Ever notice how some pain feels worse than others?
    • Sharp pain. Acute pain.
    • Sometimes worse than like deep, persistent pain.
    • For a moment.
    • The clinging pain, well … pain don’t hurt.
    • You can get used to anything.
    • It all sucks, but …
    • Anyway.
    • Sitting there, waiting on the nurse dude to start working on my PICC, and there’s a silver-haired lady in the chair next to mine watching some conservative talking jackass blather on about how gun rights and Ted Nugent.
    • Dude literally said Nugent is an unassailable authority on gun rights.
    • Sure.
    • That guy who played guitar and got high is an expert.
    • Gooooo fuck yourself, media guy.
    • And that’s the problem with America.
    • Too much listening to opinions, not enough digesting of actual facts … because people aren’t taught the critical thinking skills to tell the difference.
    • No Heroes.
    • Do not let someone fill in the blanks on your opinions.
    • But also not why we’re here.
    • Shut your shit off in public or put in your headphones.
    •  Much like the biz-bro phone talkers in the airport, the rest of us do not need to listen to your bullshit.
    • Like I said before, we’re in a selfishness pandemic.
    • And the algorithms make it all worse.
    • Goes for me, too.
    • She was probably there getting chemo.
    • Which is way worse than why I was there.
    • I should shut my damn mouth?
    • Fingers?
    • Buy her some ‘phones in case I see her again.
    • Pair them for her.
    • Something.
    • Just another MADNESS MONDAY.
    • Hi, guys.
    • What’s happenin’.
    • All I have today are rants.
    • Like, I have one percolating about “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
    • I’m not doing it today.
    • But soon.
    • One of my guy friends, Phil, sent me a text today.
    • And I might as well just admit things and move along.
    • His text: “Have you read Fourth Wing?”
    • …
    • F.
    • Yes, yes I have.
    • When the first book dropped, I had, no joke, four different people at work tell me I had to read it.
    • All women, but I did not pay attention to that at the time.
    • Four people in one week tell you to read a book, well, you go try it out.
    • It’s a “Romantacy,” which is a genre still kinda in its infancy.
    • Fantasy about fighters who bond with dragons with a whole steamy “romance” in the middle.
    • Prose is eh. Beach-read level.
    • World-building is pretty good.
    • The romance part is … not something you read in books written by dudes.
    • I was like, “wait, this is what the women read? Good lord, this is an instructional manual.”
    • For … intimate relations.
    • Like, how do I have conversations about these books?
    • Am I supposed to feel guilty?
    • (I don’t, btw.)
    • The Anita Blake books by Laurell K. Hamilton tread this territory, too.
    • They became less story and more … Penthouse Forums or Letters or whatever that was called.
    • Which got boring, honestly.
    • Anyway.
    • I find this all interesting.
    • The difference in stories told by women and men.
    • Guys, it would seem we are way more … inhibited … than the women folk.
    • Or lack imagination.
    • Or perhaps fundamentally neglect their needs.
    • Food for thought.
    • Now, see, this is not what I would write about at work.
    • Maybe I shouldn’t here, either, but screw it.
    • I may have mentioned this, but my perspective on the world and my life has been irrevocably altered by the surgery.
    • Do not go gentle, remember?
    • One thing to say it.
    • Type it.
    • Another to live it.
    • Going to have to learn how, to overcome those behavioral habits.
    • If you want to achieve something new, you can’t keep doing it the way you always have.
    • And inertia is a helluva thing to overcome.
    • That works both ways, however.
    • Use it or lose it.
    • …
    • I can’t end with a damn cliché.
    • Last of Us has been good.
    • Billie’s coming to Tulsa.
    • Going.
    • Not even ashamed by that a little.
    • Billie’s a badass.
    • I hope we get to go, anyway.
    • She might be too much of a badass to afford to go.
    • If Spotify paid artists fairly, maybe they wouldn’t have to charge so much for their shows …
    • F.
    • Money doesn’t talk, it sucks.
    • I wish I hadn’t already used the Disrespectre.
    • (It’s right there on my laptop beside the trackpad. Every time I lift my hands I see the ghost flipping me off. Makes me laugh every damn time.)
    • (wickedclothes.com)
    • Feeling scrappy today.
    • Fight your Monday!
    • Once more into the breach!

  • GD Ewoks

    GD Ewoks

    • Order!
    • Have some housekeeping this morning.
    • Corrections, more like.
    • First, it was a ’70-and-a-half Camaro, not a ’71.
    • Second, I left out a ’69 Impala, “The Whale.”
    • Ahem.
    • We’re here today because I ended up making a list in my journal with an ink pen this morning while I drank my coffee.
    • Unintended. Unavoidable.
    • I’ve been writing Thank You cards this week.
    • You people have blown my mind.
    • Joyce, thank you for the quilt.
    • I’m going to keep dropping in minor Brain updates.
    • You’ll get tired of it.
    • But here’s the thing.
    • The crazy surgery with the crazy scar?
    • It was a biopsy.
    • Yeah, they removed some of the mass, but there’s still a lot in there.
    • It’s wrapped around my optical nerve, my jugular vein.
    • It’s in my sinus cavity.
    • They can’t just go in and scoop it all out.
    • They have it narrowed down to two things, and it’s a chicken-and-egg situation.
    • There’s a pathogen in there that infects a cell and then coats it in slow growing fibrous tissue.
    • Then there’s the immune system response, which includes massive inflammation, which is where all the pain has come from.
    • They have to tackle both of these things.
    • The crazy antibiotics I’m on (two, btw) attack the pathogen.
    • There’s an immune-suppressant treatment coming for the other, which I assume is infusions.
    • We have done all these Mayo trips to get to the treatment part, to rule out cancer.
    • To have a path.
    • We’re on the path.
    • Imma keep on with life because … Do Not Go Gentle.
    • And I’ll get back to not talking about it.
    • Hardwired.
    • But when it pops up, well, the War is ongoing.
    • Right now, I’m sitting on the couch with Kaia, Return of the Jedi playing on the TV because I’m waiting on Steph to watch Andor and did not want to waste cycles thinking about what to put on.
    • Kaia’s informed me tomorrow is “Donut Day.”
    • Who am I to argue with that?
    • It does mean I have to get my ass up and drive to the donut store at 7 a.m. or we’ll miss out on the good stuff.
    • Her order: donut holes and … whatever.
    • Used to be glazed and chocolate.
    • Now there’s a maple bar thrown in there.
    • Maybe a “pink” one.
    • The other day, she was craving a cinnamon roll … in the afternoon.
    • You can’t just go get a good cinnamon roll any old time.
    • And really, there are just two places in Tulsa to get them:
    • 1) Blue Moon
    • 2) The Savoy
    • We keep trying them other places, but …
    • Blue Moon, man.
    • That’s still my favorite breakfast place in town.
    • Not even close.
    • Been craving it for months at this point.
    • (Awkward segue)
    • Cory, what ink pens are you talking about?
    • Well, guys, I’m talking about the Everyman Grafton Pen.
    • I traipsed around the edge of that whole “everyday carry” man movement.
    • Knives, pens, bags … I dunno, it’s weird, but there are multiple subreddits dedicated to it.
    • I settled on one knife, and this one pen.
    • Because I can refill the pen with a Pilot G-2.
    • The Graftons are heavy, but they feel right in my hand.
    • You people still write by hand, right?
    • Also, you can do the Jason Bourne stuff with the Grafton.
    • The year before the Pandemic, we started journaling as a family.
    • I realized if I wanted to reread anything I needed to change my handwriting.
    • I bailed on cursive in seventh grade and always wrote with this weird hybrid print/cursive thing ever after.
    • It sucked.
    • So I switched to something closer to architect writing you’d see on a blueprint.
    • It’s not that clean, but it’s a helluva lot better than it was.
    • I’m weird, man.
    • What you want?
    • Back in Vollertsen’s creative writing class, he had us get a subscription to Harper’s, and my favorite part of it was the Harper’s Index at the back.
    • Which was … an entire List of facts.
    • The seeds of my current nonsense were planted in the ‘90s.
    • God, the Ewoks suck.
    • George got tricked by business.
    • Catering to the children.
    • Cut all that Ewok shit out of Jedi and you might have something closer to Empire.
    • Even as a kid, I did not need militant teddy bears added to my space wizardry.
    • In those years, it was all about the ships, the blasters, the lightsabers, and the gd Jedi mindtricks.
    • The Force.
    • Standing in my bedroom trying to move one of my two action figures with my mind.
    • …
    • You know you did it.
    • Next week, we’re getting into G.I. Joe and Snake Eyes.
    • I’ve said this before, but that first season of Stranger Things … that was my junior high crew.
    • We could be the Goonies.
    • I have enough stories to fill a book.
    • I don’t write them because my memory is not the same as everyone else’s, and those are not stories I want to defile.
    • My memory is for shit is what I’m saying.
    • Still.
    • Nostalgia’s trying to inhibit my brain function.
    • Or it’s my current coping mechanism.
    • Whichever.
    • This has gone on long enough.
    • It’s one of the last three or four beautiful non-scorching days until Fall.
    • Get out there.
    • Get off the couch.
    • All I’m cleared to do currently is walk, so … I guess I’ll go for a walk in the pockets full of sunshine.
    • With a hat.
    • So I don’t scare the neighborhood kids.

    I got that Ewok pic from a Google Search. Looks like someone’s dog was photoshopped/AI’d into an ewok costume. I do not claim credit for the pic, nor am I making any money from using it. I didn’t want to look that hard for a photo, and that was the path of least resistance. Though I did have to change the file name to jpg. Freaking internet.

  • The Perfect Drug

    The Perfect Drug

    • Woke up during the 5 o’clock hour this morning.
    • As has been the case for about the last 10 days.
    • Gross.
    • Left the room so as to not wake up the Wife, and also because I had to entertain Ginny, who’s decided food and pets need to be with the sun schedule.
    • Obviously.
    • Also obviously, I scrolled the phone.
    • A clip from NIN’s “The Perfect Drug” video popped up.
    • I’d never seen it.
    • Frankly, I haven’t really seen many music videos since the ‘90s.
    • Trent, that’s some goth weirdness you had going on.
    • To be expected, sure.
    • Still.
    • Now I’m sitting here on the couch injecting myself with my IV antibiotics.
    • Well, I was.
    • Can’t type and inject at the same time.
    • But at the time I was listening to Further Down the Spiral, which is excellent NIN.
    • Still am.
    • Listening to that.
    • But while I was … shooting up, the Wife goes, “Do you feel like a druggie?”
    • “Yes. Yes I do. Did you know I’m taking Nine pills every morning?”
    • “That sucks.”
    • “Yes, yes it do.”
    • You know, a PICC IV would make it easier to be a druggie.
    • More hygienic.
    • Something.
    • I guess?
    • I have no experience in that arena.
    • But the real question … when do I get the damn thing out, and what’s that going to feel like, because they put up a big curtain when they put it in and did not let me watch.
    • Not that I wanted to.
    • I’ve gotten used to a lot of things, but I still don’t like to watch.
    • I used to be horrified of needles.
    • This one time, I had to go get a steroid shot in the backside for poison ivy.
    • The Wife and nurse thought I was going to pass out.
    • Now?
    • Now I could write like a Michelin Guide to nurses drawing blood for labs.
    • “Required multiple attempts and had to tag out. 3/10.”
    • In the hospital three weeks ago, one of the nurses asked me where I wanted a shot.
    • I was like, “Yeah, I don’t care.”
    • Acclimatization.
    • Now playing: NIN, “Eraser (Denial: Realization)”
    • One of my favorite remixes of any song ever.
    •  And then “At the Heart of It All.”
    • Again, do I share the Spotify links in the comments?
    • Do I hunt it down on Amazon?
    • Youtube?
    • Do I leave it up to you?
    • (We all know how that’ll go.)
    • (Heh.)
    • Gonna be an Industrial kinda day.
    • What I want is for NIN not to score Tron, but to score AppleTV’s Neuromancer.
    • Holy shit I cannot wait for that.
    • Last year, I reread all of William Gibson’s books.
    • He’s like a sci-fi prophet blending of Hemingway and Elmore Leonard.
    • Basically that’s who I would want to become if my life had let me write books instead of articles and ad copy.
    • (Regret is a helluva drug.)
    • Seriously, if you go read the trilogy that started with Neuromancer your brain will melt with all the shit he wrote that’s happening RIGHT NOW in society.
    • Considered NOT writing a list today.
    • Not because I don’t want to.
    • It’s the why of the thing.
    • Honestly, I hope these are entertaining.
    • That’s the goal here.
    • I have to write.
    • You need to read something other than memes and propaganda.
    • Don’t get me wrong, I could write a whole list about all the bullshit I see.
    • I’ve even considered doing it.
    • Nothing but headlines of shit, all cut-and-pasted in one place.
    • Just to prove how much crap we’re consuming.
    • Your brain reads headlines faster than your consciousness does.
    • You are imbibing nonsense.
    • We all are.
    • I’m including myself.
    • So that’s my List goal.
    • To give your feed something … real?
    • I dunno.
    • To break the stream of bullshit with … what social media started out hosting in the first place.
    • It has become crap, destroyer of brains.
    • And hope.
    • I should not have to dig to find posts from my friends and family.
    • Though if you read some of Zuck’s bullshit statements last week, you can expect 90% of your social posts to be dialogue with AI in the near future.
    • What a wonderful world.
    • I’m ready, I think, for that house in Norway on the lake that’s only free of snow like three weeks a year.
    • If I won one of those $1 billion lotteries, I’d build or buy a village and start a compound.
    • (No, there would not be spiked Kool-Aid.)
    • You know, like Elon’s dumbass company town without all his stupid horseshit.
    • Language!
    • (Sorry, kids. You know me. I do the best I can when I’m at work. But I’m not at work currently, soooooo …)
    • The other night, coming back up the driveway from taking the trash out, my skull clicked with every step.
    • Gnarly.
    • I have never had a broken bone.
    • (Maybe a toe, but I never went to the doc to confirm.)
    • So the skull thing … new to me.
    • Clicky clacky.
    • No, it has not done it since then.
    • But it reminded me bones don’t heal in two or three weeks.
    • I guess that’s why I can’t exercise for another … ugh, 3-4 weeks?
    • Yeah.
    • Oversharing Thursday!
    • Out.
    • Gotta water some veggies.
    • Because of that stupid sunshine.
    • Pockets of it.

  • Status Quoth

    Status Quoth

    • Today’s a White Blank Page kinda day.
    • Some days, the Stream does not flow.
    • It’s worse when it’s fiction and not this nonsense.
    • Still sucks though.
    • At my advanced age, I finally appreciate the need for good sleep.
    • Not just some.
    • But plenty and good quality
    • I mentioned this yesterday.
    • Not getting good sleep craters your entire next day.
    • I passed out on the couch yesterday afternoon.
    • It’s not that I mind a nap.
    • I used to.
    • The Teenager does.
    • She resents them.
    • Will not entertain the notion.
    • We had a talk about sleeping in school the other day.
    • Because I sure did when I was her age.
    • She said she’ll put her head on her desk but will not sleep.
    • I had no compunction about falling asleep in class.
    • There was this one time in Oklahoma History in ninth grade where I was napping and the teacher (yes, I remember her name; she hated me) called on me to answer a question.
    • I lifted my head, gave the correct answer, put my head back down.
    • My friends told me about her face afterward.
    • She also made fun of me, in front of the class, for shopping at the Army Surplus store.
    • That day, I had on my black Vision Streetwear, my OD BDUs, and my white Metallica “Crash Course in Brain Surgery” t-shirt.
    • Got an A in her class, thank you very much.
    • Oklahoma history is the worst and getting worser apparently.
    • Thanks, Douche Walters.
    • Anyway, sleeping through history class was a thing for me.
    • But … I did the head-on-desk thing, too.
    • Like I said, I came to the appreciate sleep thing late in life.
    • I have only stayed up past midnight a handful of times in the last few years.
    • Used to be every day.
    • Every night?
    • I dunno.
    • Fatigue wins out.
    • That’s what I’m saying
    • Listen to your bodies.
    • These days, I miss out on sleep it’s like I stayed up drinking.
    • The hangover feels the same.
    • And takes as long to recover.
    • The worst.
    • Also why (you know, when I can) I never have more than two drinks, and probably just once a week.
    • Not a tax I want to pay.
    • There are plenty I don’t mind.
    • We won’t get into that.
    • But taxes are necessary for a functioning society.
    • You know what else I worry about?
    • Not being able to spell.
    • Been writing by hand a lot the past few days.
    • Paranoia.
    • Because people are going to see it.
    • We are all dependent upon spellcheck.
    • They want me dependent upon Grammarly.
    • Get the f out of my face with that.
    • Yes, I know the rules.
    • Yes, I know if I let Grammarly into my shit, it’ll sound like someone else wrote it.
    • I had one of my coworkers ask me how to get better at writing.
    • “Write.”
    • Sounds ridiculous.
    • Trite.
    • You have to develop your voice, and there’s only one way to do it.
    • Read and write?
    • Writing sculpts your brain.
    • I always imagine …
    • Have I done this already?
    • F.
    • My brains are fried.
    • No writing lesson for you today.
    • As usual, I want to talk music.
    • Sitting in the living room listening to the Tron Legacy soundtrack again.
    • Daft Punk.
    • It is good shit.
    • My default most days, however, is Tool.
    • Since the pandemic, my most-listened-to band.
    • I have rebought all their CDs for the car.
    • Cold. Dead. Hands.
    • But I won’t do that to the Wife while she works from home on the couch.
    • Had a station pause.
    • “Do you ever listen to music when you work from home by yourself?”
    • “Huh-uh.”
    • Alrightey then.
    • I have to have it.
    • You know this.
    • Well, some of you do.
    • Now the rest.
    • I have tinnitus.
    • Have had since 2008.
    • Music blunts the ring.
    • And well, you know how I feel about art.
    • Dammit all.
    • Music is cathartic.
    • Writing these lists does that, too.
    • Remember how we started.
    • Writer’s block. Bad mood (in case you missed it).
    • Doing this for me and inviting people along for the ride.
    • Gonna put the headphones on later and do some 10,000 Days.
    • And work on the book.
    • And call the Mayo.
    • This recovery shit is … busy.
    • Clock’s ticking, however.
    • And my brain is no longer content with the status quo.
    • I can keep going.
    • Poetry’s becoming a thing.
    • And I need to read some Hemingway as a recharge.
    • And these prints The Wife got (related) are amazing.
    • Need to be on the wall now.
    • What I’m saying …
    • “… Miles to go before I sleep.”

  • Add Title Here

    Add Title Here

    • I look like an escaped lobotomy patient right now.
    • Mwhahahahaha
    • Sup.
    • I’m sitting here on the couch listening to “Planet Caravan” by Black Sabbath.
    • The original, not that Pantera cover.
    • Not that the cover is bad, but …
    • I’m touchy, philosophically, about using things created by other people attached to whatever it is I’m doing.
    • Like the Oatmeal comic, or that cross-stitched thing.
    • I’ll attach that stuff because I love it, and I want other people to see it and follow whoever created it.
    • Here’s where I’d go on another AI rant.
    • I don’t want shit created by AI.
    • I don’t want AI writing or art or music.
    • If you’re a creative who uses it as a tool to help you with your end product, fine.
    • If you’re using it to think for you, you’re hastening the downfall of humanity, and making some rich tech fuck richer.
    • I’m sure you can use it to create dumb shit like bad action flicks and soap operas.
    • I’m sure they will.
    • But you get what you … pay for?
    • This is where I’d get into my movie critic argument.
    • The one where I say “just because you like something doesn’t mean it’s good.”
    • I have a lot of guilty pleasures, too.
    • I just know they suck.
    • And Knowing Is Half the Battle.
    • I guess the end game I’m struggling with.
    • If they have AI takeover creative endeavors, humanity will flounder.
    • We’re not meant to produce things for consumption other than food.
    • Not meant to spend our lives on assembly lines or in factories.
    • We’re meant to think and create.
    • Creativity is where our species advances.
    • You don’t solve problems without creativity.
    • Asking AI to do it for you makes you reliant on it for your thinking.
    • At some point, you’ll ask shittier questions.
    • And get shittier results.
    • Doesn’t anyone think about this?
    • Then again, I’m fed up with humanity’s continued inability to come up with a system to benefit everyone.
    • We don’t need to have poverty.
    • Or hunger.
    • Or homelessness.
    • They fling the word socialism at anything that can benefit the many these days.
    • And people believe it.
    • It’s bullshit.
    • It’s protecting the rich and greedy.
    • Hard to get away from it when they’re throwing “productivity” hacks at you every day.
    • This one’s a rant.
    • I guess.
    • I just work here, man.
    • We finished White Lotus season three yesterday.
    • Good stuff.
    • By far the prettiest show I have ever watched.
    • Started Andor season two.
    • Excellent.
    • I should’ve watched the finale of season one first, but I remembered as we tripped along.
    • For those of you new to the List, Mondays often end up as weekend recaps.
    • I started this one yesterday, so part of it isn’t.
    • I have been waking up at 4ish and unable to go back to sleep because the brain is flipping to ON mode.
    • I can brain.
    • Last night, I lay there doing FMLA math on how long I had to make progress on my book, among other things.
    • Kinda.
    • Brains update:
    • My left temple has been swollen and numb since the surgery.
    • I’d been wondering exactly where they’d opened the skull.
    • Figured that out Saturday trying to unload the dryer.
    • That repeated bending over stuff …
    • Oh, hey, there’s the crack.
    • Lol.
    • Still.
    • Not bad.
    • Still taking nothing for pain.
    • And I looked up without double vision for the first time since April 2022.
    • I never thought that would happen again.
    • It was in and out, but it happened.
    • The miracles of modern medicine.
    • Wish everyone had access to them.
    • And with that, I’m going to go take my IV meds and go for a walk.
    • You have the Monday you deserve.

  • Be The Light

    Be The Light

    • Compulsion.
    • That’s what it is.
    • Even when I’m not at a computer, my brain makes these Lists.
    • Started notes for one by hand this morning right before the IV treatment.
    • (Which The Wife handles.)
    • Where it started …
    • Pouring the coffee this morning, I had a flashback.
    • When I was a kid, on the weekends, we’d make coffee for the parents.
    • I’m sure it was Folger’s or something I’m way too bougie to drink now.
    • We’d pour it in these brown Frankoma coffee cups and carry it to them in their bedroom.
    • I’d walk slow, like carrying a landmine, desperately trying not to spill it.
    • Both of them drank it black.
    • (I did not inherit that, though I did get the coffee addiction.)
    • We also had this shot glass-sized Frankoma mug my Sister and I would drink coffee out of.
    • Just the one, I think.
    • Memories, man.
    • I can still walk around that house in my head.
    • I can still walk around almost everywhere I’ve ever been in my head.
    • Weird, right?
    • My memory … I wish I had more control over it.
    • There are times where it’s photographic.
    • Like, once in college during a test, I closed my eyes and read the answer off my study sheet that was crammed in my backpack.
    • The words were down at the bottom right, and curved up the side in my shitty handwriting.
    • Obviously, it doesn’t work all the time.
    • Especially these days.
    • What else?
    • People have been bringing us food on account of my surgery.
    • I keep getting overwhelmed with gratitude.
    • And am trying to figure out how to process it.
    • I bought a ton of blank thank you cards I get to start working on this weekend.
    • And if somehow I miss you, I’m telling you now.
    • Thank you.
    • For all your positivity and support.
    • You people are amazing.
    • Transitioning to randomness in 3 … 2 … 1 …
    • Have you had Sapori yet?
    • On Cherry St?
    • Everything I’ve had there is great, and the lasagna is the best I’ve ever eaten in my life.
    • Put it on your list if you haven’t been yet.
    • I could start making you Tulsa people a List.
    • Heh.
    • Hole Mole, right?
    • That poblano sauce is amazing.
    • Seriously, I’m going to make a website that’s nothing but Lists.
    • Or maybe I leave it parked on the one I already have.
    • We’ll see.
    • Take 2 has the best drip beef sandwich I’ve ever had in my life, and that place is a cause you can get behind.
    • I’m not even hungry
    • It’s Saturday morning, I’ve had my coffee and donettes.
    • Oh.
    • Here’s a thing.
    • This eye/brain stuff did not start in my eye/brain.
    • It started in my cheek, worked its way through my jaw, up my temple, and then crawled in behind my eye.
    • Along the way, it inhibited the movement of my jaw on the left side.
    • I could not really open my mouth.
    • Not enough to take a straight bite of a Hostess Donette.
    • We usually have those around the house for the Teenager.
    • So Thursday morning during the pre-School ritual, we sat down for some.
    • I pulled one out of the bag and stuck it in my mouth without thinking about it.
    • My mouth opened far enough to do it with no trouble.
    • Was an OMG moment.
    • Things are working.
    • Hope is a helluva thing, right?
    • I’ve been dealing with this shit for so long and like a typical GenXer, I roll with whatever happens.
    • What’s the point of whining when it is what it is, right?
    • Hope scares me.
    • I don’t relax well is what I’m saying
    • But good things are happening.
    • Oof.
    • I still desperately want an Old Fashioned.
    • Sigh.
    • This one’s a little self-indulgent.
    • I’ll do better next time.
    • It’s not a freaking journal after all.
    • What else?
    • No, I have not started season two of Andor yet.
    • It’s on a List.
    • I have a ton of lists of things to talk about.
    • Like getting the old Gang back together.
    • And physical media vs. streaming.
    • Mountain biking.
    • (Holy shit I cannot wait to get back in shape and ride my bikes.)
    • (That’s going to be a huge chunk of the list when I get finished up with all these meds.)
    • (Like, OMG I need to run and do push-ups.)
    • I’m avoiding politics as much as I can, though honestly, the Black List exists so I can talk about that shit.
    • I write these as discourse.
    • I want anyone who reads to feel like commenting, and to build a community where we get along and chat.
    • Online, because F all that in-person extroversion bs.
    • And you know, community is the thing that extends your life.
    • Enjoy the sunshine today.
    • Pockets full of it.

    I do not know who embroidered that molotov in the pic, or I would give them credit. But it made me smile enough to save it forevah.