skepticlysm

Tag: love

  • The Hourglass of Wasted Years

    The Hourglass of Wasted Years

    • Up until you get to the word “peace,” the bullets were written on the Word app on my phone a week ago two weeks ago yesterday.
    • So, with my thumbs. In a car.
    • I sent these to Hamby on his birthday.

    :begin transmission…

    • “Conan, what is best in life?”
    • “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.”
    • “Good!”
    • What? Ohhhh. Conan Gray.
    • Imma wait in the car. You kids have fun.
    • Okay, but for real, I am waiting in the car reading while they’re at the show. In Kansas City at the Starlight Theatre.
    • And I’m listening to Iron Maiden.
    • “Wasted Years.”
    • And then “Sea of Madness.”
    • I’m going back to my book now.
    • Peace.

    :end transmission.

    • I didn’t really listen to Iron Maiden much.
    • (That night.)
    • Because I could hear the crowd singing every word of every song that Gray gentleman sang.

    See video.

    • Sounded like a musical European football match.
    • They had an amazing time.
    • Steph recounted the moment where the guy took stage and all the crowd in line for swag, refreshments, and the bathrooms screamed and sprinted for their seats.
    • I imagine that’s what it was like during The Beatles era.
    • I remember us rushing the stage and pushing all the folding chairs to the ground at my first Metallica concert, but I don’t remember any outright sprinting or screaming.
    • Then again, my memory’s getting spotty.
    • Brain infection.
    • Moose out front should’ve told ya’.
    • (I get at least a year leaning on the brain infection excuse.)
    • (No, I’m not asking.)
    • I wrote 800 words about AI and military deployment on American soil.
    • You’re not going to get to read it.
    • What’s the point?
    • All this shit at the same time.
    • All my shit at the same time as this shit.
    • Can get overwhelming.
    • I assume I’m already on the List.
    • I think I’m happy that song I mentioned two weeks ago wasn’t AI-generated.
    • Much less creepy.
    • Tracy mentioned she wished she could’ve seen me when that happened.
    • I’ll tell you about it.
    • I was typing something, and then I heard my name.
    • Stopped typing.
    • Aloud, “What the fuck?”
    • Not Loud, because work.
    • And then I kinda looked around my office, maybe sorta waiting to see if anything else was going to talk to me.
    • I might’ve wished it did.
    • I’ve wanted to do one of those ARGs like depicted in Fincher’s The Game.
    • Even played a video game … 20+ years ago that did a lot of that.
    • Called “Majestic.”
    • I think about ARGs all the time.
    • I feel like a read about one where they kidnap you, drive you across town, dump you, and you have to get back to “base” without being caught.
    • I thought it would be cool to have one like that here where you have to get from one side of downtown to the other in a designated amount of time without getting shot with nerf guns.
    • Like an escape room, except your friends are hunting you.
    • Probably higher tech ways to do that, but …
    • Going to be part of the LLC.
    • Yo.
    • I forgot my earbuds … one day last week.
    • (Full admission, I keep writing lists, but not finishing, and then saving them as “unpublished.”)
    • I don’t remember what day last week I started this one, but … well, nevermind. It was a week ago today.
    • And why is “nevermind” not one word?
    • It’s said as one word.
    • I’m sure it was “never you mind” or something Little Old House on the Prairie.
    • Anyway, yeah, yeah, I forgot my earbuds, which is fucking awful.
    • That would seem to make them the second most important piece of tech I own.
    • (I guess I can include the phone, since the buds don’t really work without the phone. Goddamn phone.)
    • Another thing I hate to admit, but this MacBook Air I have is my all-time favorite thing to write on.
    • Other than journals.
    • Journals are the best.
    • And I’d be doing more of that, but holding a pen doesn’t feel great at the moment.
    • I will overcome!
    • Or some shit.
    • Okay, this is the point where I started adding new shit.
    • Consecutive Mondays.
    • I’m listening to the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 soundtrack by Hans Zimmer.
    • The music is way better than the game.
    • Been listening to it in the car, too, which is kinda funny.
    • Dramatic scores for your driving needs.
    • Makes me want the five-point seatbelt.
    • Last Friday, I got off early because I’d done back-to-back 11-hour days.
    • Sat in the recliner and read the newest issue of Wired.
    • There’s a story in there by Steven Levy about what’s happened to Silicon Valley.
    • Story’s interesting.
    • To me, anyway.
    • But it got to me in a bunch of ways.
    • There’s the presence Wired has had in my life.
    • It inspired my decision to switch from Pre-Med to Journalism.
    • Dumb, but … true.
    • No, that wasn’t the only reason.
    • Most of the writing in Wired in the ‘90s felt like a tech-addled Gonzo publication.
    • Which leads us to Hunter, who also had a huge influence on my attempt to be a professional writer.
    • I know I mentioned that memory before, lying on my side in the hallway of whatever the hell building it was (I’m looking at the map, but it’s not telling me), reading Fear and Loathing and laughing so hard I was crying.
    • I wanted to write like Hunter.
    • I wanted to be in Wired.
    • I wanted to have a column like Dave Barry.
    • Didn’t do one goddamn bit of it.
    • Sure, I was a film columnist for 11 years.
    • Sure, I’ve been editor-in-chief of four or five magazines.
    • Why did I not try to write for one of those publications?
    • Maybe I wasn’t good enough, but I don’t think that’s the reason.
    • The Why is … I never tried.
    • And as the sand runs through the hourglass, I feel despondent and desperate about it.
    • Maybe “Do Not Go Gentle” should really be “Do Not Stand and Watch.”
    • It’s so easy to be taken off track from your dreams in this world.
    • So easy because you have to make a living, right?
    • You have to be productive.
    • Produce, motherfuckers.
    • And to the hells with your fulfillment!
    • And this is the revelation I’ve had about work, and I’m embarrassed it’s taken me this long.
    • Do your job.
    • Think about that statement.
    • You have to have a job.
    • At your job, you do what they want you to do.
    • Sure, there’s problem solving involved.
    • You think about how to do that task.
    • But that thinking is about that thing.
    • Is that thing you’re thinking about personally fulfilling?
    • Most of us aren’t really asked to … think.
    • It’s to their benefit.
    • You get the check, sure.
    • And the … Benefits.
    • But the agreement is you’re there for them, not you.
    • I have felt, all my life, there’s a box I’m trying to break from.
    • My mind and desires, my limbs and sanity, pressing against some confinement I cannot see or touch or taste.
    • The fear of being poor has a crushing grip upon me, unseen chains and shackles.
    • That fear keeps you, well, me, from taking the chances I should.
    • And again, I can see the sand running short.
    • There’s a bit of spiced panic.
    • I shouldn’t be sharing this crap.
    • This bit of a journal that’s personal therapy.
    • Saw this thing on Insta today, and I’m going to retype it because I want the vid shared.
    • “Fall in love with some activity, and do it!
    • “Nobody ever figures out what life is all about, and it doesn’t matter. Explore the world.
    • “Nearly everything is really interesting if you go into deeply enough. Work as hard and as much as you want to on the things you like to do the best.
    • “Don’t think about what you want to be, but what you want to do. Keep up some kind of a minimum with other things so that society doesn’t stop you from doing anything at all.”*
    • – Richard Phillips Feynman
    • Oof.

    *Fun facts about quote marks. You don’t close them off at the end of the paragraph if the same person continues to speak. You save it for when they’re finished.

    No, it’s not a football match.

  • Time Theft

    Time Theft

    Sept. 2

    • Now I’m to that point where I think I have notes that could be part of a list in two or three different places.
    • But I’m in the recliner and I don’t want to get up to find a notebook.
    • Or get my computer glasses.
    • If there’s anything that could put a dent in one’s GenX creds, it’s reading glasses.
    • Then the dogs demanded food.
    • So I got up to do that.
    • This is what you want, right?
    • Play-by-play.
    • Announcer One: “And he throws the paper towel toward the can and it’s … no good! He missed again.”
    • Announcer Two: “It’s been decades and he’s still not practicing that. I think we can anticipate continued failure.”
    • Announcer One: “You’re probably right on that.”
    • How horrible would that be?
    • Would you do it for, say, one million dollars?
    • How much would …

    Sept. 4

    • That’s what my life’s come to.
    • Journals and lists half-finished, ephemeral thoughts lost to brain damage and time.
    • This is the real reason I haven’t started Substack or Patreon pages.
    • Squirrel!
    • Time theft!
    • I had two thoughts falling asleep last night.
    • First: paint colors for various rooms in the house.
    • That banal gray’s gotta go.
    • Second: Life Plans.
    • Being the age that I am, the tick of the clock echoes loud in my mind.
    • All the things I wanted to do but haven’t.
    • The undone, I understand those are my fault.
    • I never had a plan, and when you don’t have a plan, you end up eddying, spinning in the stream, going nowhere, or somewhere, just not a where of your own.
    • I feel the lack keenly.
    • The urgency.
    • One of the things I promised myself in the ICU was to stop wasting time with things that don’t fulfill me.
    • It sounds selfish to type it aloud.
    • The world demands a profession, production for stakeholders.
    • You don’t get a roof or food or leisure if you’re not producing.
    • It gives no fucks if you’re happy.
    • If you’re enjoying your time on the blue marble.
    • The inability to break free crushes me.
    • Gets my brain trapped in a miasma of aimlessness.
    • My most “felt” line in movie history?
    • “I must get out of here. I must get free.” Agent Smith, The Matrix.
    • (No, don’t put me on suicide watch. I don’t roll that way.)
    • But that feeling of being trapped by debt and jobs and money.
    • Fuck.
    • Someone’s telling you what to do.
    • Always.
    • Just me?
    • Cool.
    • I saw this chart yesterday … the other day … a day this week … that talked about traits associated with both high and low life satisfaction.
    • Had a lot of both.
    • But with age, there’s this evolution of wants I’m experiencing.
    • I don’t want a lot of things anymore.
    • I’ve talked about this before, right?
    • I’d rather have trips and memories.
    • The craving’s still there for things.
    • Like we’re addicted to the next new thing to own.
    • Shirts.
    • Bags.
    • Cars.
    • Phones.
    • Beds.
    • (I do want CDs and Blu-rays, but that’s a different issue.)
    • (That’s about subscription freedom.)
    • (Okay, it’s not a different issue.)
    • All kinds of shit that won’t last and doesn’t really give us anything.
    • Hell, isn’t everything designed with planned obsolescence these days?
    • Here I am, complaining.
    • Kinda.
    • Lowers my life satisfaction.
    • One of the things on there that grabbed me.
    • “Respect for Authority” on the good side.
    • Which made me ask the question, “Did they check the responses vs. intelligence?”
    • Sigh.
    • Well, goddamn, if this isn’t a joy to read.
    • Heh.
    • Sorry, sorry.
    • Theme of the week maybe?
    • Mark and I had this conversation today about games, specifically about Helldivers 2, Call of Duty 7, Battlefield 6, and Delta Force.
    • Yeah, sorry, I’m a shooter at heart.
    • But most of what we talked about was how much greed has wrecked video games.
    • CoD and Battlefield were Maddenized.
    • Crank out one every year for reliable profits for the master control company.
    • Money’s made a joke of CoD in particular.
    • It’s a hardcore military shooter where you can skin your character like a literal cartoon.
    • Greed kills innovation.
    • EA is like that company in Ready Player One.
    • Video games combine numerous different kinds of creativity to produce … fun.
    • Engineers and coders have to get creative with their technical expertise to make a playable product.
    • Traditional creatives – writers, artists, composers – take the tech and breathe life and humanity and cleverness into it.
    • If it’s all the same, they’re missing the point.
    • Less for more!
    • Shrinkflation is real.
    • Like, we’re addicted to Hostess Donettes.
    • A year or two ago, they took off that metal closing tab on the top of the bag.
    • This month, the made the bags smaller, added more ink to the packaging so you wouldn’t notice, and reduced the number of donettes you get by three.
    • Hostess! Engaging in Shrinkflation! You thought we wouldn’t notice, but … we did.
    • Well, fuck it. We’re on a rant. Let’s keep going.
    • I’m not sure this next part actually is.
    • I remember back in the day, because of iTunes … I became anti-Apple.
    • The ecosystem was too locked down.
    • And I never did buy into that “it’s better because it’s simpler” nonsense.
    • I was Microsoft for Life.
    • Or so I thought.
    • The slip started when they killed Windows Phones.
    • Ended up on Android.
    • Now I have … hell, I dunno, four gmail accts?
    • And I’m on my third or fourth Pixel with GoogleFi.
    • I wrote about getting a Mac as my work computer, which lead me to getting a Mac to replace my Surface tablet, though I do also have a Windows rig for gaming.
    • Oh, and the Xbox.
    • I made a joke about this to Steph earlier, but … looking back, it’s what I wanted.
    • I’m free of any one ecosystem.
    • Free to choose which to use for what thing.
    • I still don’t own a Playstation.
    • Won’t, because, you know, I don’t really want one.
    • And we’re back into the Problem of Things.
    • Cagetalism.
    • Break the ecosystem!
    • I’ve looked into setting up a personal Cloud system for the fam.
    • Everything costs money, but in the long run, I like being free of their system.
    • And I like not having AI helping by reading all my things.
    • Ah!
    • I don’t have control of these things.
    • This is what happens when the product has a life of its own.
    • I imagine this is how authors felt when they tell you the characters took the story away from them.
    • What will the next bullet be?!
    • The fuck if I know.

    No movies, books, shows, or music. We did get some vidya games. We’ll see what happens next. Stay tuned.

    Oh yeah, new blog template. I’m not sold. I miss the pics. Oh yeah, I had this link about the goodness of being bored as told by a Harvard prof.

  • En Guarde!

    En Guarde!

    • The status quo has got to go!
    • On this trip to the great North, I received nothing but good news.
    • The neuro surgeon told me she didn’t want to see me again.
    • The infectious disease guy stopped the current antibiotics.
    • I now reside in the Mad Eye Moody realm.
    • …
    • “Constant vigilance!”
    • Wait and see, but … they think they got it.
    • Not a diagnosis with a name or anything like that, because nothing about this is easy or makes sense.
    • But …
    • I’m not sure what to do with this.
    • Process it in public, obviously.
    • When you have a giant growth in your head that has gotten into your brain, and the fucking Mayo can’t figure it out, you start to count your remaining years in single digits.
    • The worry feels immense.
    • Hope … well, hope is fucking dangerous.
    • Even now.
    • I still have to manage my hope.
    • The Specter looms, you know?
    • Because they don’t know what it was, they can’t say for sure, so we don’t know for sure.
    • Hope has to be managed.
    • It’s all a different kind of trauma, right?
    • Takes time to heal.
    • Minute-to-minute, hour-to-hour, day-to-day, year-to-year.
    • And having something like this changes your perspective.
    • Affects your Evaluation Matrix.
    • There’s a lot that becomes “not good enough.”
    • Hence that opening line, which no doubt I heard somewhere else.
    • (No, I’m not going to look it up.)
    • “Rage, rage against the dying of the light!”
    • Yeah, definitely going to get the tattoo now.
    • I have hoops to jump through there.
    • But I’m jumping.
    • So much of our lives are treading water.
    • Or you’ve switched fulfillment for jumping through hoops at your job, trying to advance.
    • More and more, to me, that seems a waste of time.
    • You’re limited in your jobs by managers or bureaucracy.
    • You think you’ll advance.
    • Because that’s the contract.
    • But that contract doesn’t actually exist.
    • It doesn’t actually matter how good you are.
    • How much time you give them.
    • How many KPIs you help achieve.
    • It’s all about the circumstances.
    • Timing.
    • Bah.
    • Too long others held the wheel.
    • Is it the same for you?
    • Hmm.
    • Yesterday afternoon, we hit some vintage shops here in Rochester.
    • I bought … And Justice for All on vinyl.
    • I don’t … own a record player.
    • The kid does.
    • I may hang it on the wall in my office and be done with it.
    • Last week on Discord, we talked home offices/working spaces.
    • I’m proud of mine.
    • First official one I’ve ever had.
    • One entire room in the house dedicated to all the categories of my nerdom.
    • There are a lot of books.
    • Computer.
    • Keyboards.
    • How lucky am I, right?
    • There it is.
    • Luck.
    • Do we ever give credit to the fortune in our lives?
    • Where you were born.
    • The opportunities you take for granted.
    • We’re hard-wired to notice the negative.
    • Like I’ve heard mention 5-to-1, 7-to-1, 10-to-1 positive to negative.
    • Meaning, it takes 5/7/10 positive things to overpower one negative.
    • I started seeing that first in regard to relationships.
    • And then it spread to everything else.
    • Think about it like this.
    • If you’re a boss, that ONE time you get onto your employee weighs as much as five compliments.
    • If you’re a husband, that one shitty comment weighs as much as five good deeds.
    • Because we’re wired to be on guard.
    • Too look for the bad.
    • So we can survive.
    • This is the root of the division in America.
    • The Bootstrap Bullshit.
    • (Go look up the etymology on that when you get bored.)
    • (It’s a retread of “Let them eat cake.”)
    • You only control you.
    • I’m sitting here typing on a table with wheels in a hotel room.
    • The Wife’s in a Teams meeting, headphones on.
    • The kid’s “asleep” behind us on one of the queen beds.
    • Walgreen’s keeps calling.
    • My legs are going to sleep and everything itches (again. still.).
    • Shortly, we’re going to have breakfast at Hollandberry, which is an amazing diner we found about half our trips here ago.
    • They serve this thing called a Pannekoeken.
    • They yell the word when they bring it to you.
    • Sounds like, “Panic again!”
    • I still haven’t tried it yet, but I am today.
    • I’ll post a picture later.
    • Goddamn, I love breakfast places.
    • Somehow, I have not been to Blue Moon in … half a year?
    • On my agenda for when I get back, even if I have to go alone.
    • Deep breaths.
    • Holy shit, you guys, I may be cured.
    • Sure, my car’s motor has a hole in it.
    • But …
    • Sigh.
    • Still here.
    • Still breathing.
    • Still sharing.
    • The bar’s been reset.
    • Maximum fulfillment is the goal now.
    • The status quo has got to go.

  • Somewhere Outside of …

    Somewhere Outside of …

    • And here we go.
    • Been to the doc twice today.
    • Seriously.
    • Every day this week.
    • Wtaf.
    • I’m ready to be done.
    • Then head to the gym.
    • Well, not that fast.
    • I need to set up the bike trainer again.
    • And get my home resistance workout ready to go.
    • Because I’m so out of shape, if I went straight to weights I would not be able to move for five days.
    • Starting from scratch.
    • Couch to … something.
    • It is definitely a project akin to restoring a classic car.
    • Not that I’m a classic.
    • Hubris.
    • But about the same age.
    • Always boggles my mind I was only a handful of years older than my first car, which was considered a “classic muscle car” by the time I got it at 17.
    • Regretful Life Decision #667: Selling the Camaro instead of just park-and-tarping it.
    • Sigh.
    • Live now, not then, not when.
    • But seriously, looking forward to that good muscle soreness.
    • You know what I’m talking about.
    • If I tried to kung fu right now, I’d throw my back out and need to borrow one of my mom’s walkers.
    • This just happened: Apparently I did the “Gangnam Style” dance for the kid when she was little, trying to get her to laugh.
    • That’s what my sister says, anyway.
    • I have no recollection of that, and I sure as hell don’t need to see that.
    • I can’t dance, man.
    • Not a bit.
    • Like Steph won’t even let me try.
    • Too self-conscious.
    • Which is funny, because … Life truth: unless you’re supermodel hot, or Elaine, or a professional dancer, no one’s watching you dance.
    • That’s a life lesson, really.
    • No one’s paying attention 99 percent of the time.
    • Fly your freak flag high.
    • (Borrowed that.)
    • What is the magic formula to live life honestly, to literally give no F’s about what anyone thinks of you?
    • That’s what authenticity is.
    • Not craving attention.
    • Not the shit the Cheeto-in-Chief does.
    • Went to Walgreen’s to get my industrial-strength Benedryl, and on my way to the pharmacy, I grabbed a Snickers for the kid (on the wife’s text rec, though I know better than to go to Walgreen’s and not return without chocolate).
    • (Have a little faith.)
    • After I waited out the older dude in front of me, I stepped up to the counter.
    • The Walgreenarian said, “What can I help you with today?”
    • “I have a pick-up.”
    • She nodded. “Last name.”
    • I gave it.
    • She nodded. “We have two for you.”
    • She retrieved them from the C bucket, then came back.
    • I’d tossed the Snickers on the counter.
    • She glanced down. “Oh, you got me a Snickers!”
    • “Do you need one? I’ll go back and get you one.”
    • …
    • “Seriously.”
    • She smiled really big the whole rest of the time.
    • I would’ve done it, too.
    • If not for those damn kids.
    • For real though.
    • You could make someone’s day giving them a candy bar.
    • Or at least make their 15 minutes before someone else shits on it.
    • The kid is battling with “boredom” today.
    • Show, don’t tell.
    • She tossed a pen at me.
    • I threw it back.
    • She threw it again.
    • I said, “I’m writing.”
    • Pouty bottom lip came out.
    • “What do you want?”
    • “I want to go somewhere!”
    • “Where?”
    • “I don’t know.”
    • “I’m not sitting in five o’clock traffic with no destination.”
    • More pouty lip.
    • C’mon, kid.
    • I got like 300 words to go.
    • Parental guilt.
    • If only I were a bad parent …
    • Or had more than one kid.
    • But seriously, I’m in a house with four women, a girl dog, and two girl cats.
    • It’s just me and Snacks.
    • On my left, the bored kid.
    • On my right, Liho the cat, who knows it’s the five o’clock hour and is demanding her evening food tribute.
    • She’s “my” cat.
    • Has resting bitch face.
    • Always scowling.
    • Always demanding.
    • When I’m in the kitchen, she winds around my feet making the “You’re going to pick me up” sound.
    • I’ve covered that before.
    • The cat makes different sounds for different demands.
    • The pick-up thing happens in the morning, at dinner, or pretty much any time I’m trying to, you know, DO something.
    • Her needs come before making coffee or dinner, and if you don’t hit the time limit, she’ll slash or bite you in punishment.
    • The hell, man.
    • “The Chosen One” label always comes with deeds to endure.
    • Taking out the trash the other night, I saw bats fluttering their way across the sky.
    • Made me think of HST.
    • Bats always make me think of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.”
    • Obviously.
    • Flirted a bit with “What We Do in the Shadows.”
    • “Bat!”
    • Still makes me laugh when I think about that.
    • But HST owns the bat association.
    • He could take Dracula in a straight-up fight.
    • No contest.
    • I’d order that emotional support HST, but it looks like it’s a China product, and I’m getting tired of things taking a month to get here when I order them.
    • Still waiting on one of Steph’s birthday presents.
    • Ordered it on the 6th.
    • You would think ten days is adequate time.
    • Apparently not.
    • Curses!
    • (Shakes fist at the sky.)
    • I don’t shake my fist at the sky.
    • Ever.
    • I just clench them at my sides and tremble with suppressed rage.
    • RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT!
    • (Unless it’s summer, then eagerly await the setting of the sun because F this heat.)
    • See you tomorrow.
  • What a Load of Crap

    What a Load of Crap

    • Might be a short one.
    • I write about cars a lot.
    • Used to love them.
    • Now I kinda hate them.
    • Which started with the Mini.
    • The car that put me in a massive debt hole.
    • I’m still paying for repairs on that car.
    • I haven’t owned it since 2018.
    • Traded it for the Subaru, which has been a pretty good car.
    • At least until February.
    • Took it in for a tune-up after the trip to the Mayo.
    • The tune-up resulted in the engine blowing.
    • I left out some mechanic trips in the middle, but, ah, there you go.
    • I finally got it back last Friday.
    • Had not visibly seen it since March.
    • This morning, I started it to go to my infusion clinic visit at St. Francis.
    • Check Engine light.
    • GFD.
    • I shut it off, went back in the house and got Steph’s keys, drove the Pilot to the appt.
    • On the way, someone turned out in front of me, close enough I had to lock up the brakes to not hit them.
    • I honked.
    • They stopped their car in the road in front of me, rolled down their window, and flipped me off.
    • What in the fuck is the matter with people?
    • Especially driving.
    • Selfishness?
    • Complete lack of road awareness?
    • I had to tell the nurse not to take my blood pressure for a while.
    • Now I … don’t want to write.
    • I’m doing it anyway.
    • Because habits don’t do themselves.
    • Is it hard for everyone to pull out of a bad mood nosedive?
    • Is that just me?
    • Could be just me.
    • Systemic exacerbation.
    • A bad habit of easy provocation.
    • The comfort of habitualized anger and frustration.
    • (I made up a word there, apparently.)
    • (WTFE. Shakespeare did it all the time.)
    • (Not that I’m Shakespeare.)
    • If you’re easily provoked, you’re easily manipulated.
    • Which, you know, everyone is trying to do to us these days.
    • I dislike the thought of being manipulated.
    • Another anger trigger.
    • Life’s hard, y’all.
    • NP: Metallica, “The Outlaw Torn.”
    • I know fans revolted when they released Load.
    • It fostered a time when it was not cool to be a Metallica fan.
    • I listened to that album a lot.
    • Still do.
    • (Eagerly awaiting the re-mastered edition that comes out this week.)
    • Came out the June after I graduated from OSU.
    • Some of those songs are so damn good.
    • “Bleeding Me”
    • “Hero of the Day”
    • “The Outlaw Torn”
    • Not metal.
    • So?
    • Everyone crying about them not making another Master of Puppets.
    • Braver as an artist to make what you want instead of trying to please the fans over and over again.
    • They’re making the music, not you.
    • You don’t have to like it.
    • Don’t have to listen.
    • Anyway.
    • That’s ranty.
    • The … she’s not a nurse, really, but the woman who always takes my blood pressure, when taking it the first time today (was high, obviously) asked me if I liked tools.
    • “What?”
    • “Your shirt.”
    • “Oooh. No that’s one of my bands.”
    • “What?”
    • “Tool. They’re a band.”
    • “There’s a band named Tool?”
    • She’s older. I could see her not knowing.
    • But then, the nurse re-doing my dressing, and younger than me, said, “Oh, I did not know that either.”
    • …
    • I mean, put me in the home already I guess?
    • Goddammit.
    • You know what?
    • I don’t care.
    • Embrace the aging.
    • Do not go gentle, right?
    • (I’m going to beat that dead horse. It’s part of the tattoo plan, which Steph added to recently.)
    • (More excitement. I just have to talk the hematologist into it.)
    • Watched Sinners last night.
    • Not bad.
    • I think Jordan overacts a bit.
    • But wasn’t bad.
    • Vampires and a bit of Southern Gothic magic.
    • The end-credit scene might’ve been better than the movie.
    • Kaia dug it.
    • Wanted to talk about it when it was finished.
    • Apparently she always wants to talk about movies she likes.
    • Gotta push her to do it.
    • C’mon, kid, out with your opinions!
    • Unleash the hounds!
    • We had a good talk.
    • Even as she liked it a lot, she picked it to pieces.
    • The evaluator/critic is strong in her.
    • Proud dad moment.
    • Been a lot of those lately.
    • The outline for her … fan-fiction epic is like 90-pages long?
    • Not going to get hung up on what comes next when she’s writing.
    • We’ve had a lot of creative progress around here lately.
    • Don’t want to talk about the no-hitter much.
    • Strange things are afoot …
    • Discord thing of the week so far: “We don’t trust those who don’t think in movie quotes.”
    • I will get back on that horse.
    • Your life would be shit without creatives doing what they do.
    • They should be paid properly and accorded the credit they deserve.
    • That’s a List Motif, btw, since a lot of you are newish and playing the home game.
    • Do not take art in any form for granted.
    • It’s hard to create, no matter the form.
    • It enriches our lives.
    • Makes them bearable.
    • Better.
    • It should be celebrated, and creators rewarded.
    • If we’re not doing that …
    • I’m out.
    • Have the Tuesday you deserve.

    And I still haven’t written about Hollywood being creatively chickenshit … Sigh. Still on the TBW list.

  • Inflammatory Response

    Inflammatory Response

    • Now playing: Killswitch Engage, “Holy Diver.”
    • No, I’m not doing the music thing again today.
    • Probably.
    • Today’s going to be … pokey.
    • As in, I’m going to poke you all with sticks.
    • Some of you, anyway.
    • Let’s talk Pride month.
    • Distilled down to its most basic …
    • It’s none of your business.
    • If someone is gay, that’s none of your business.
    • They should be free to be who they are and free of any judgment from anyone else.
    • They should be free to just live.
    • It should not be an issue.
    • Not a topic of conversation.
    • Sure as hell not a topic of persecution.
    • Are they free or not?
    • Are they free to live their lives according to their pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness?
    • Because if they are not, then this American freedom is horseshit.
    • I get it.
    • Some book says something.
    • That’s another freedom.
    • Read your book.
    • Follow your religion.
    • If you’re Christian, you’re not persecuted.
    • That’s propaganda.
    • You’re the majority in this country.
    • But again, freedom, right?
    • You have the freedom to believe what you believe.
    • Extend that to others.
    • Assume people aren’t going to see things the way you do.
    • Believe the way you do.
    • Freedom is freedom, right?
    • That means freedom to not be like you.
    • To disagree.
    • What it does not mean is that you have the right to establish laws that demand everyone believe and act like you.
    • Freedom is that, or this is all a big load of crap.
    • Someone being gay or trans or bi or atheist has literally no effect on your life.
    • So shut the fuck up about it, do your own thing, and let them do theirs.
    • Because, again, it’s none of your business.
    • The golden rule is all you need.
    • Be good.
    • Be moral.
    • Do right by others and yourself.
    • Do the good thing.
    • Have empathy.
    • Work toward understanding.
    • Dammit, man, why is this hard?
    • You know what the right thing is in every situation.
    • Do that.
    • And if you don’t, maybe we need to have some empathy and morality training.
    • Some logic classes (I took those in college).
    • I hope this comes off as shaming.
    • Because partly it is.
    • Believe what you want, but you do not get to force it upon other people.
    • College classes aren’t “woke,” btw.
    • Professors aren’t up there preaching, doing lessons on DEI.
    • Those of you who went, you remember a single class like that?
    • Classes were on subject all the time.
    • Again, enough with the goddamn propaganda.
    • ENOUGH.
    • Freedom means free, or it’s a fucking lie.
    • What’s it going to be?
    • Pride month exists because they are persecuted in modern society.
    • They’re fighting for normalcy and acceptance.
    • They should not have to.
    • Pretty simple.
    • And don’t get me started about the economic realities of life in modern America.
    • We buy into so much bullshit.
    • Okay.
    • Done.
    • I didn’t wake up cranky, mind you.
    • This is exasperation.
    • For fuck’s sake, people.
    • I only get to write this because I’m a middle-class white guy.
    • Privilege.
    • Mansplaining.
    • This isn’t even mine to defend.
    • If you make the argument that “they need to quit pushing it in my face,” you maybe need to consider it from the other side, the one that reflects you and not them, and that’s pushed in their faces every day, telling them they are not normal or wrong or whatever.
    • Imagine that’s your day-to-day reality.
    • Shit is not fair or equal, and it’s going to take work to make it so.
    • That is sure as hell not happening currently.
    • Anything I write from here to the end no one’s going to remember.
    • I re-subbed to Wired.
    • Back when that mag launched in the ‘90s, it was the journalistic bastion of tech and cyberpunk.
    • It was Rolling Stone for nerds.
    • I loved it so much.
    • Fantastic writing, great stories, beautiful design.
    • The Letter from the Editor in the most recent issue, “Rogue Nation,” is fantastic.
    • I kinda geeked out reading it.
    • Like, “YES!”
    • “So be the rogue you want to see in the world, and know that WIRED, with every ounce of rebel spirit in our DNA, will be right there with you.” – Katie Drummond, Global Editorial Director
    • Honestly, reading the issue makes me want to be a journalist again.
    • I bailed on that career path as fast as I could.
    • My first two jobs were $15k/year.
    • It took forever to get out of the $40ks as it was.
    • Journalism isn’t vanishing because it’s not valuable, but because it’s not profitable.
    • …
    • F.
    • That’s another soapbox.
    • Can’t do two in one day.
    • Vollertsen called me an idealist.
    • It’s true.
    • This angry façade I carry?
    • I see so much dumb shit going on in the world.
    • It makes me insane.
    • We do every bad thing to ourselves.
    • Two dark lists in one week.
    • Then again, this isn’t work.
    • This is The Black List.
    • My anger and frustration covers the fact I’m an accepting, loving person.
    • I care about people.
    • The anger’s armor.
    • Self-defense.
    • Because I’m vulnerable.
    • Pretty much always.
    • There’s my deep admission for the day.
    • We all are on some level.
    • Or we’re all delusional.
    • Which is another form of self-defense.
    • Where’s that leave us?
    • Love your people.
    • Let others love theirs.
    • Work on getting along or leaving them alone.
    • Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self?
    • Think about it before we start arguing, k?
    • Love you all.
    • Thanks for reading.