Be The Light

• Compulsion.
• That’s what it is.
• Even when I’m not at a computer, my brain makes these Lists.
• Started notes for one by hand this morning right before the IV treatment.
• (Which The Wife handles.)
• Where it started …
• Pouring the coffee this morning, I had a flashback.
• When I was a kid, on the weekends, we’d make coffee for the parents.
• I’m sure it was Folger’s or something I’m way too bougie to drink now.
• We’d pour it in these brown Frankoma coffee cups and carry it to them in their bedroom.
• I’d walk slow, like carrying a landmine, desperately trying not to spill it.
• Both of them drank it black.
• (I did not inherit that, though I did get the coffee addiction.)
• We also had this shot glass-sized Frankoma mug my Sister and I would drink coffee out of.
• Just the one, I think.
• Memories, man.
• I can still walk around that house in my head.
• I can still walk around almost everywhere I’ve ever been in my head.
• Weird, right?
• My memory … I wish I had more control over it.
• There are times where it’s photographic.
• Like, once in college during a test, I closed my eyes and read the answer off my study sheet that was crammed in my backpack.
• The words were down at the bottom right, and curved up the side in my shitty handwriting.
• Obviously, it doesn’t work all the time.
• Especially these days.
• What else?
• People have been bringing us food on account of my surgery.
• I keep getting overwhelmed with gratitude.
• And am trying to figure out how to process it.
• I bought a ton of blank thank you cards I get to start working on this weekend.
• And if somehow I miss you, I’m telling you now.
• Thank you.
• For all your positivity and support.
• You people are amazing.
• Transitioning to randomness in 3 … 2 … 1 …
• Have you had Sapori yet?
• On Cherry St?
• Everything I’ve had there is great, and the lasagna is the best I’ve ever eaten in my life.
• Put it on your list if you haven’t been yet.
• I could start making you Tulsa people a List.
• Heh.
• Hole Mole, right?
• That poblano sauce is amazing.
• Seriously, I’m going to make a website that’s nothing but Lists.
• Or maybe I leave it parked on the one I already have.
• We’ll see.
• Take 2 has the best drip beef sandwich I’ve ever had in my life, and that place is a cause you can get behind.
• I’m not even hungry
• It’s Saturday morning, I’ve had my coffee and donettes.
• Oh.
• Here’s a thing.
• This eye/brain stuff did not start in my eye/brain.
• It started in my cheek, worked its way through my jaw, up my temple, and then crawled in behind my eye.
• Along the way, it inhibited the movement of my jaw on the left side.
• I could not really open my mouth.
• Not enough to take a straight bite of a Hostess Donette.
• We usually have those around the house for the Teenager.
• So Thursday morning during the pre-School ritual, we sat down for some.
• I pulled one out of the bag and stuck it in my mouth without thinking about it.
• My mouth opened far enough to do it with no trouble.
• Was an OMG moment.
• Things are working.
• Hope is a helluva thing, right?
• I’ve been dealing with this shit for so long and like a typical GenXer, I roll with whatever happens.
• What’s the point of whining when it is what it is, right?
• Hope scares me.
• I don’t relax well is what I’m saying
• But good things are happening.
• Oof.
• I still desperately want an Old Fashioned.
• Sigh.
• This one’s a little self-indulgent.
• I’ll do better next time.
• It’s not a freaking journal after all.
• What else?
• No, I have not started season two of Andor yet.
• It’s on a List.
• I have a ton of lists of things to talk about.
• Like getting the old Gang back together.
• And physical media vs. streaming.
• Mountain biking.
• (Holy shit I cannot wait to get back in shape and ride my bikes.)
• (That’s going to be a huge chunk of the list when I get finished up with all these meds.)
• (Like, OMG I need to run and do push-ups.)
• I’m avoiding politics as much as I can, though honestly, the Black List exists so I can talk about that shit.
• I write these as discourse.
• I want anyone who reads to feel like commenting, and to build a community where we get along and chat.
• Online, because F all that in-person extroversion bs.
• And you know, community is the thing that extends your life.
• Enjoy the sunshine today.
• Pockets full of it.

I do not know who embroidered that molotov in the pic, or I would give them credit. But it made me smile enough to save it forevah.