skepticlysm

Tag: blog

  • Sausage … No, nm. Not Doing That.

    Sausage … No, nm. Not Doing That.

    • Always start off with the most ineffective opening line you can.
    • That gives readers a ready excuse to bail.
    • “Nah, man, that first line was boring as fuck. Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
    • A lot of my opening bullets are crap.
    • Because I’m trying to get my brain working.
    • My fingers moving.
    • Why do I not go back and delete them?
    • I have no idea.
    • Half the time, I don’t edit at all.
    • Though I have started in the aftermath of the John McClain (McClane) fiasco.
    • Typos make you look dumb.
    • Or that you don’t care.
    • Honestly, the truth about typos is … even sometimes when you reread, your brain fixes the typo and you don’t notice it.
    • I read once that as long as the word is the right length with the right letters, your brain knows what the word is.
    • Madness if true.
    • Brains are cray.
    • Srsly.
    • (No, I don’t know why I’m doing that.)
    • (Trying to be clever.)
    • (Hahaha … ha .. F.)
    • I planned on opening with an excuse, because I almost didn’t do a list today.
    • Was one thing after another, including, and this is my favorite, taking my car back to the shop … again.
    • I got it back yesterday.
    • After having to take it back a week and a half ago.
    • After it having been gone for two months.
    • Don’t buy a WRX is what I’m saying.
    • They’re growly.
    • They have manual transmissions.
    • They’re pretty reliable if you don’t drive them like a 20yo.
    • However.
    • If they break.
    • If they break bad.
    • You’re focked.
    • Got it back yesterday, or maybe the day before, and did not realize the a/c was not cool on the driver’s side of the car.
    • The passenger side, yes.
    • Worked before I took it in to have the motor replaced.
    • And today’s heat index was in the 100s somewhere.
    • Sigh.
    • I’m worn out by this.
    • Car-less again.
    • And not from being … careless.
    • …
    • I have always been a pepperoni pizza guy.
    • Don’t get me wrong, as my tastebuds have died off, I’ve tried lots of other pizzas.
    • Love a good supreme, as long as you don’t screw it up with olives and fungus.
    • A couple weeks back, I ordered a thin-crust sausage from Hideaway.
    • I am abdicating my membership in the pepperoni club, effective immediately.
    • Those red bastards are not shunned, but after decades, they have lost the top spot.
    • Also, no more of those “normal” or hand-tossed crusts.
    • Right out.
    • Thin is in.
    • (For eating, not for being, because until the prednisone is gone, I can’t do that.)
    • Soon.
    • Yes, I know I wrote about pizza like two weeks ago.
    • A week-and-a-half ago?
    • Man, I’m oldish.
    • Repeating yourself is an age-earned badge of pride.
    • …
    • Finished up the fifth Dungeon Crawler Carl book.
    • It’s good stuff.
    • I’m still only halfway through the latest Hunger Games prequel.
    • And I downloaded a bunch of samples yesterday.
    • Because I’ve been reading a lot on “house arrest.”
    • (Procrastination, right?)
    • Here’s the thing.
    • If you’re not doing a lot, experiencing a lot, reading a lot, you have jack to write about.
    • Like a lot of music talk because that’s what I’ve been doing.
    • A lot of viewing discussion, because that’s what I’ve been doing in the evenings.
    • We finished “Ginny and Georgia” today.
    • Latest season.
    • Well done soap, really.
    • Like I said yesterday, if you’re in the room, it is hard not to pay attention.
    • If it’s bad, it’ll drive you from the room.
    • If it’s not, you’ll get sucked in.
    • We typically do delayed gratification with shows we like, even when they release the whole season at once.
    • Did that with Dept. Q, too.
    • Though … it might be about choice, too.
    • Like, we watched the latest episode of Murderbot 20 minutes ago, and those things are only 24 minutes long.
    • Every ep has been good so far, to the point when they end, we kinda want to throw popcorn at the screen for it ending too soon.
    • (We don’t have popcorn, typically.)
    • I mean, what’s with the AMC not letting you go to concessions and not buy a $10 bucket of popcorn (that only costs them >$.50 to make)?
    • Used to, you could do that.
    • Not anymore.
    • Lame.
    • May switch allegiance to Cinemark.
    • Back to Cinemark.
    • I worked at a Cinemark for three (four?) years.
    • Good memories.
    • Could write one of those ‘90s movies like Empire Records about the gang we had there.
    • The Neon bowties … no.
    • There’s a legit reason I hate ties, is what I’m saying.
    • Also another legit reason I get obsessed with movies though that has waned a bit recently.
    • “Back in my day,” he said, raising his wrinkled fist at the heavens.
    • Part of my day I spent at the hospital listening to a presentation on hip and knee replacement surgeries.
    • Not for me, obviously.
    • “That would be more than I could bear.” – Doc Holiday
    • As I listened, it occurred to me how much medical science has advanced.
    • Have your hip replaced, walk the same day.
    • Now, if only we could, you know, afford that without being shackled to some kind of insurance …
    • Healthcare for all, perhaps?
    • Anyway …
    • …
    • Well, that totally derailed my train of thought
    • Squirrel!
    • No, seriously, we should have universal healthcare.
    • Don’t believe the corporate bullshit.
    • Bamboozled.
    • No, I’m not trying to end this in a political debate.
    • Besides which, that one should not be up for debate.
    • …
    • A car without A/C on a day like today.
    • Gross.
    • First the weather.
    • Then myself.
    • And now it’s shower time.
    • After the meds, anyway.
    • Out!

  • Flow Conjunction

    Flow Conjunction

    • First things first.
    • Happy birthday, Steph!
    • Here’s to many more!
    • (You say that for birthdays, right?)
    • We went out for sushi on Saturday because 1) we figured the place would be ridiculously busy on Sunday because obvious reasons, and 2) “No one celebrates their birthday on a Monday.”
    • She said it, not me.
    • So here we are.
    • I have a dinner plan for tonight.
    • Does not involve leaving the house.
    • But there’s a plan.
    • Anyway.
    • Tell her happy birthday if you haven’t.
    • Hell, most of you are on her friends list anyway.
    • Social how it was meant to be.
    • Not this algorithmic bullshit.
    • That’s why we’re here, remember?
    • The List exists to harken back to those early internet days, when we all had blogs.
    • There were a bunch of us in my friend group who had blogs.
    • We called it The Bloop.
    • Miss those days, really.
    • Though honestly, I think the Internet has (combined with my own internal issues) has held me back.
    • Digital time theft.
    • Which pairs with my constant pondering of time.
    • I feel, in every moment, I’m running out.
    • That it is too late to accomplish a bunch of the things I wanted to accomplish.
    • It isn’t.
    • Well, some.
    • But that’s another internal war I fight.
    • I get, btw, you’re not supposed to start all these sentences with conjunctions.
    • But, and, etc.
    • I don’t care, really.
    • That’s how we talk.
    • That’s how the words flow.
    • Flow’s part of the way you get better at writing.
    • Do it enough, you can feel what should come next.
    • And you know when it doesn’t work.
    • I could’ve written that without the and.
    • The exclusion of the word would make the sentence hit differently.
    • …
    • Was the first weekend I didn’t write a list since the surgery.
    • Sleep impacted that.
    • All these medicines are wrecking me.
    • Small price, but still.
    • Itching.
    • Sleep.
    • Destroyed internals.
    • Why haven’t I gone back to work?
    • My skull isn’t done.
    • I still can’t really get away from the bathroom in the mornings.
    • Sleep sucks.
    • And then there’s that gd IV in my arm.
    • And another couple of upcoming MRIs.
    • (One here, one in Minnesota.)
    • (You didn’t think we were finished with that sojourn, did you?)
    • That’s all the update you’re getting.
    • I’m over it.
    • Anyway, Father’s Day was great.
    • You saw the card.
    • We had a great dinner.
    • Went to see “The Life of Chuck,” which is spectacular.
    • There’s so much good in it, I don’t have enough bullets to do it justice.
    • It’s asking for a proper film review, and I don’t do that anymore.
    • Like Steph said elsewhere on the Internet, she’d go see it again, and she doesn’t do that.
    • We need more films like it.
    • Also watched “Cleaner” over the weekend.
    • Wasn’t bad.
    • Daisy Ridley in a remake of “Die Hard,” really.
    • Was not badly done.
    • Had some great lines.
    • The whole cast was uneven, but she’s great.
    • Was not bad to watch from the couch on a Saturday night.
    • Would’ve made some money if they’d, you know, marketed it.
    • Hollywood is biting its nose to spite its face these days.
    • And here we go …
    • Hollywood needs to stop being chickenshit if it wants movies to survive.
    • You have all these worthless voices on the internet trashing Marvel films, but Marvel’s one of the few outfits putting in the money and effort to keep making spectacles.
    • Them and Tom Cruise.
    • Everything else is a remake.
    • Or some low-budget crap.
    • And I’m sorry, but all these horror films getting lauded … yeah, when I bother to watch, I’m rarely impressed.
    • It’s like there’s been so much crap for so long, standards dropped.
    • The Frame of Reference got smashed.
    • Tornado of Unfortunate Coincidences destroyed a historically great medium.
    • Don’t get me wrong.
    • I love all these fantastic series made for streaming.
    • There have been a ton of them.
    • Lot of crap there, too.
    • But again, there are thousands of books in all genres that would make great films.
    • You know, provided you can get the filmmakers to stick to the soul of the source material.
    • If you want to create your own story, then do that, but don’t do it to an IP someone else thought up.
    • Monday Madness!!
    • I surf Reddit more than any other “social” media, because it’s the closest thing we have left to forums from the old days.
    • There’s a ton of crap on there, however, and plenty of it meant to stoke political fires.
    • Make everyone reactionary.
    • Most the time, I read a title, think “Huh,” and move on.
    • I don’t give it real inflammatory space because I don’t want to go research it most the time.
    • If I know a thing might not be true, or might not be true in the way it’s presented, then I don’t give it weight.
    • But today, I saw Trump’s post on Truth Social about targeting major cities because they’re seats of Democrat power …
    • I tossed out almost 300 words of political rant.
    • Aaaannnd another 200.
    • Then deleted more.
    • (Took a breath.)
    • You’re going to have to show me this “radical Left.”
    • With sources.
    • Pretty sure millions of people across the country rolled out in protest of this orange goon, and nothing got burnt down or destroyed.
    • Radical.
    • Smfh
    • Yeah, 700 words tossed in the trash doc because … it’s exhausting.
    • Which, you know, is what they want.
    • I’m taking the off ramp.
    • Sitting here listening to the “Moody Mix” Spotify made for me.
    • Lots of good stuff.
    • Weird though.
    • Billie Eilish, Lana Del Ray, Slipknot, gd Limp Bizkit, Paris Paloma, Phantogram, Nine Inch Nails, Megadeth, Alice in Chains …
    • I would not have made this on my own, is what I’m saying, but I’m digging it.
    • I’ll throw the link in the comments for you Spotifiers.
    • While the Kiddo and I ran some errands, I told her I’ve had that Royal and the Serpent song (“Carry Me Home”) stuck in my head for … weeks.
    • I don’t mind. It’s a good song.
    • She said, “I think I’ve only listened to it three times.”
    • “You sent me a song you only listened to once?”
    • “Yes. I knew you’d like it.”
    • Happy father’s day.
    • Happy birthday.
    • Happy Monday.
  • Save Yourself

    Save Yourself

    • Got a phone call from the ex-Boss yesterday.
    • She was listening to a spot on NPR about long-term infections that mutate and thought of me.
    • Because, you know, I have a long-term infection that mutated.
    • We’re not really certain of the mutated part yet.
    • But seems bloody likely.
    • Anyway, then we had a good conversation, which is the norm.
    • I paced through the house with my shitty bone-conduction headphones on because, you know, that’s the only thing I have and can wear at the moment.
    • Unless I want to go wired, and ain’t nobody got time for that.
    • Anyway, she made a crack about getting a taste of … not being at work.
    • Sweet, sweet freedom.
    • I’ve been thinking about it since.
    • And I’m not going to get too deep into it because I have work peeps on my FB friends list.
    • But since the surgery, since my FMLA/Mayo mandated recuperation time, there has not been a single day when I didn’t write something.
    • Something I wanted to write during time dictated by myself and not someone else.
    • (Not all Lists, obviously.)
    • I feel so much better.
    • Mentally.
    • Emotionally.
    • That’s with a healing skull and shrinking brain tumor.
    • And day-by-day, I’m less inclined to want to listen to my “superiors.”
    • And I resent all this “productivity” bullshit I see all over the place more and more.
    • The going back is a specter I’d like to call the Ghostbusters to take care of.
    • But you know, I’m only worth what I produce for someone else.
    • Only worth what someone else sees in me.
    • Horseshit.
    • And we live this way, voluntarily or resentfully, depending on your interpretation.
    • While I was thinking about that, Billie’s “Everything I Wanted” popped up on the playlist.
    • Which inspired the question: Do you know what you want?
    • I’m not talking Taco Bell for lunch.
    • Or the hot new iPhone with AI that tells you what you want.
    • In your soul.
    • Down deep.
    • What do you want?
    • I’m working on that answer for myself.
    • Things are not the answer, mind you.
    • Items.
    • Shit you can buy.
    • Ephemera.
    • You have to do the work to find these answers.
    • You have to save yourself.
    • (Queue Stabbing Westward …)
    • So yeah, that’s what I got from a phone call.
    • Also, Billie’s awesome.
    • Can’t wait to see her, even if our seats are nosebleeds.
    • Hit a huge writing milestone yesterday.
    • Feels like a weight off and there’s that tunnel light stuff.
    • Like I said, lots of writing.
    • Lots of naps, too, because believe it or not, when you have your skull cut open and things scooped out of your head, it apparently exacts a toll.
    • The screenshot today …
    • I do that all the time on both the laptop and phone for the express purpose of sharing.
    • I save a ton of things, too, and then don’t remember to share them.
    • My “saved” … folders? … on all the platforms are full of stuff I never remember to go back and look at.
    • In that moment, the moment of saving, there’s probably that dopamine hit.
    • A laugh.
    • A smile.
    • A “Steph’s gotta see this.”
    • Again, today’s came from a saved folder.
    • I identify with both statements, obviously.
    • “Move your ass people,” he thought, not acknowledging his frustration or blood pressure.
    • Then there’s that metal one …
    • (Right now, in the writing of this, I decided to post multiple things I’ve collected. Congratulations! You get a gallery!)
    • The metal one made me want to go buy the Satanic Panic t-shirt from Dice & Devilhorns, btw.
    • I didn’t.
    • But I “wanted” to.
    • A lot of the time, when I see clever memes or social posts, I think, “I couldn’t do that.”
    • I think about a lot of creative things that way.
    • Well, I think about a lot of things that way.
    • Because we all have different strengths and talents.
    • Yours doesn’t make you better than anyone else.
    • It just makes you different.
    • And we should all recognize (in all the connotations) those differences in others.
    • I’m not a meme-writer.
    • I’m not a poet.
    • I’m not sure what the hell I am, but there are some things I’m damn good at.
    • Same with you.
    • Like, I’m not going to tell Bliss how to project manage anything.
    • Or give him a lecture on leadership.
    • Or tell James or Jerm how to draw something.
    • Or Phil how to code.
    • Or Francis how to design a structure.
    • Or Jay how to coach.
    • Or Kaia how to plot.
    • Or Steph anything about managing my health.
    • A strength we could all work on is how to recognize what others have, and to ask them for advice without ego getting in the way on either side.
    • Me asking you for help or advice should not mean you’re a superior human to me, for instance.
    • The real strength is knowing you don’t know.
    • Otherwise, that’s insecurity fucking with you.
    • Fuck insecurity.
    • …
    • What in the actual fuck is going on with me?
    • These aren’t funny.
    • The pics are.
    • Go look at the pics.
    • (Now I have to go screen cap some from my Saved crap, because I haven’t done that part yet.)
    • (Sigh.)
    • “I can not save you.
    • “I can’t even save myself.
    • “So just save yourself.”
    • Still did not get around to that Hollywood rant.
    • Tomorrow!
    • Maybe.
    • Confession: I’m not sure how I’m going to go back to writing the sanitized version of these after I go back to work.
    • Also, how fucking early am I going to have to get up to write the ones for you guys?
    • Tomorrow’s problems!

  • Too Old. Too Old to Begin the Training.

    Too Old. Too Old to Begin the Training.

    • Time.
    • More often than not, when I’m writing these things, one thought naturally comes after another.
    • However, that means a lot of the time, I don’t end up talking about the originating idea.
    • I mentioned time the other day.
    • The specter in my head.
    • Tick, tock, right?
    • Like, I feel all the time I’m running out of it.
    • Wasting it.
    • Sitting on the couch, staring at the screen on that goddamn phone, flipping past all manner of irrelevant ephemera.
    • The hell am I doing?
    • If I don’t get the book finished now, it’s going to be too late.
    • Why am I not spending every available moment writing the book?
    • Because fear and anxiety are monsters, that’s why.
    • Life requires daily bravery.
    • Stepping up to punch your demons in the face on the regular.
    • Most people don’t have it in them, I don’t think.
    • The comfort of normal is an Odyssean siren’s call.
    • The devil you know speaks inactivity into your mind, all the time.
    • The evils of comfort.
    • Growth sprouts from activity and change.
    • Inactivity does stuff like throw your back out, which happened to me this morning as I dug through a drawer looking for my Last Crusade blu-ray, which apparently I don’t actually own.
    • I was damn sure I had the trilogy on disc.
    • Apparently not?
    • The hell.
    • Screw your subscriptions!
    • ….
    • Where the hell was I?
    • The anxious brain is a curse, is what I’m saying.
    • And time is your most valuable resource.
    • Not money.
    • And yet we let other people determine the value of our hours.
    • Some bullshit right there.
    • Do not go gentle.
    • All morning I’ve been in the Discord chatting.
    • Hours of good stuff, honestly.
    • We had conversations about books, careers, sports, movies, video games (and the lack of playing), and poor people food.
    • A lot of us grew up poorish, so we ate things our parents’ income could afford.
    • Like Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese.
    • Or bologna and American cheese sandwiches.
    • And cheap chips.
    • Guys.
    • Most of you know what I’m talking about.
    • Childhood comfort food.
    • Then there’s “cockamamie.”
    • Blame Upton for that one, but we did get Jerm’s art out of that deal.
    • I know, I know.
    • You’re lacking context.
    • This is the other part of the introversion conversation I started the other day.
    • Just because you’re introverted does not mean you don’t need people.
    • Kinda?
    • Maybe it’s just me.
    • But between reconnecting with a bunch of my high school crew, writing these lists to foster and create community, and the Discord server, I’m better understanding the need for connection with people.
    • Talking to you people, even with the cyber-arms distance of all this, has been kind of invigorating?
    • Only because I know you.
    • But still.
    • I enjoy talking about things I’m into, you know?
    • And also having those conversations about shared experiences, and differing perspectives.
    • That was kinda the part I enjoyed as a journalist.
    • The learning about other people and not having to share.
    • Again, I know.
    • The fuck do I think I’m doing here if not sharing?
    • Ah, there’s that swearing part again.
    • It is a sign of intelligence.
    • I have read the research on that.
    • Because, you know, confirmation bias.
    • But the research does confirm it.
    • Fuckin a right it does.
    • Heh.
    • These Black Lists are less about fun, aren’t they?
    • Jerm did remind me Last Crusade was on Disney+, so it’s playing quietly.
    • “I didn’t trust her. Why did you?”
    • I have several questions for you today.
    • Like, what would it take to make a mini-city populated by “our” people as we get closer to retirement?
    • Sure, it would be a Venn diagram, because we all have people outside of here, you know?
    • But … how cool would that be?
    • I always read about those tiny house compounds of friend groups.
    • And, you know, actual compounds built around abandoned missile silos.
    • How do we craft lives more like what we actually want?
    • Second question, and this one’s right out of the Discord server … if you could have the power of one of Marvel’s mutants, which would it be?
    • I’d have to do a list.
    • This, but if not this, then that.
    • 1) Wolverine’s healing factor
    • 2) Nightcrawler’s teleportation
    • 3) Forge’s ability to invent and build anything
    • 4) All of Longshot’s powers, but especially his “good luck”
    • I don’t want any of that mind-reading stuff.
    • Though Jean’s telekinesis would be badass.
    • And Psylocke’s psychic katana …
    • But, you know, that has limited use in our world because you can’t run around killing people, you know?
    • Not yet.
    • We’ll see how this ICE bullshit plays out.
    • Goddamn nazis running our country.
    • I mean, the fucking Proud Boys are suing the govt for $100m for … what? Because they’re playing into the bullshit that they did NOT try to pull off an insurrection?
    • …
    • They did.
    • That happened.
    • Do not believe the revisionist agenda.
    • I mean, wtaf.
    • All those motherfuckers should still be in prison.
    • And, btw, Hitler did the exact same thing when he took power.
    • Learn from history, or suffer the consequences of repeating it.
    • Not where I meant to go today.
    • Heh.
    • Like I said, the Stream has a mind of its own.
    • You’d fix things like this on the second draft, but … we don’t do that here.
    • I barely go back and edit.
    • These could be better, is what I’m saying.
    • And this one’s long.
    • (I thought about editing out the “political” rant but screw it. There are things happening we cannot let become normal. And yet … )
    • I actually meant to rant about movies, specifically Hollywood’s chickenshit tendency to do remakes instead of original films.
    • I have a cool meme to go with that.
    • A good quote from Ursula.
    • Or Margaret.
    • Tomorrow I guess.
    • (Predicting a low reader turn out today. I can’t write about the brain thing all the time. There are other things going on up there.)
    • Heh.
    • High five.

  • Might Be the Wrong Audience for This One

    Might Be the Wrong Audience for This One

    • Been a day.
    • 3 o’clock and I’m only now getting to type.
    • Tick, tock, mfers.
    • I think about time incessantly.
    • Post surgery, sitting there in that bed trying to get my wits about me, I had an awakening.
    • Paradigm shift, if I’m using some of that fancy self-help vernacular.
    • But it did happen.
    • The past three years, if I’m being honest, have been a deep, dark hole.
    • I had reduced my timeline from 20ish more years to five, 10 if I was lucky.
    • I thought a lot about leaving the kid unready to face the world.
    • Of not being here for my tiny family.
    • The hurt.
    • The loss.
    • And no small amount of fear of my own.
    • When the Mayo can’t give you an answer, it seems dire.
    • Hard not to feel the weight of uncertainty.
    • Hard not to let it feel imminent.
    • If you have never had chronic pain, you have no idea what it takes from you.
    • The amount of energy needed to function.
    • The world expects you to carry on.
    • Yeah, you hurt.
    • Tough shit.
    • Go to work.
    • You are only worth your work.
    • Produce, plebe.
    • Again, the toll.
    • I’m not trolling for empathy here.
    • I don’t talk about this shit.
    • Did not really talk about it to anyone, other than the basics.
    • There’s a thing.
    • It hurts.
    • They don’t know what it is.
    • Tick tock.
    • It’s like the scene in Krull when the wizard takes the sand from the hourglass to escape the spider’s web.
    • (Stay with me. I know we’re still on the week’s darker path, but there is light …)
    • Had the MRI on Monday.
    • Talked to the Mayo docs yesterday.
    • Everything is shrinking.
    • The antibiotics are working.
    • They’ve ruled out cancer.
    • They no longer think it’s auto-immune.
    • They think I’ve had a years long infection that got into my brain.
    • Might be one of those situations where I had one infection that allowed another to flourish.
    • But my Neuro Immunologist was geeked out about the MRI.
    • We had a super positive conversation.
    • Three more weeks on the antibiotics.
    • Another MRI.
    • But … OMG hope?
    • I dislike hope.
    • Moderation.
    • We’re not there yet.
    • But the way out seems through.
    • I don’t even know what to do with this, honestly.
    • I’m still sorta on house arrest.
    • Three more weeks with the PICC.
    • The skull’s still not quite there.
    • Clicky.
    • Breathe.
    • I mean, I might have a wicked scar, but in mere months, I might have a normal life back.
    • Holy shit.
    • Which brings me back to that paradigm shift.
    • I’m done letting other people control my future.
    • Sitting here letting someone decide what I do day-to-day.
    • What I get to make.
    • How far I get to go in my “career.”
    • Done with it.
    • Time’s a wasting.
    • It’s going to be hard, to keep from reverting to old patterns and habits.
    • However, like Agent Smith, I must get out of this place.
    • Why do we do this?
    • Why do we agree to it?
    • I know my why.
    • Do you know yours?
    • Financial insecurity based on how I grew up.
    • Too long has it dominated my decision matrix.
    • No more.
    • Won’t be easy, but you know what else I’ve learned through all this?
    • Hard ain’t no thing.
    • I beat shit I shouldn’t all the time.
    • I’m betting you do, too.
    • And honestly, I’m too smart and too good for what I’ve settled.
    • I know how arrogant that sounded.
    • I dgaf anymore.
    • And I’m bringing anyone with me who wants to come.
    • I’ve shortchanged myself, and that shit is changing.
    • I can’t believe I’m typing any of this, honestly.
    • I’ve been going to work for three years with a brain tumor and winning awards.
    • The hell, man.
    • That sentence is insanity.
    • What are we capable of with no obstacles?
    • What can we do when we’re encouraged and impassioned?
    • I’m not even high right now.
    • And there’s a goddamn Taylor Swift song playing.
    • (Not all obstacles are large.)
    • Sweary.
    • Again, that’s who I really am.
    • Sorry not sorry?
    • Hey, all.
    • What’s happening?
    • What’ve you got planned this weekend?
    • I’m not throwing that out there.
    • The weekend’s wide open.
    • I have stuff to do.
    • Some of it’s even fun.
    • Plans to make.
    • People to talk to.
    • Ah.
    • That was the normal subject matter I wanted to hit.
    • That whole introvert/extrovert thing.
    • I’m a bit of both.
    • Totally introverted around people I don’t know.
    • Like working a room?
    • Forget about it.
    • I do, however, deal with my awkwardness with random conversations.
    • I’m not introverted at all around people I know.
    • Quite the opposite.
    • A good side effect of the awkward compensation activity … I do not treat people bad in public ever.
    • I’m talking cashiers, waiters, hostesses, the mail dudes, FedEx.
    • I go out of my way to be nice.
    • And it pisses me off when I see others being rude, impatient, mean, and inconsiderate to them.
    • (Idealist, remember?)
    • Like, honestly, the fuck is your problem?
    • You have no idea what they’re going through.
    • You’re not better than anyone else.
    • You have no idea how much good fortune has shaped your reality.
    • That’s also at the root of the perspective shift.
    • Be better than you yesterday.
    • Stop comparing yourself to other people to measure your progress or self-worth.
    • Empathy for yourself, empathy for others.
    • With that, you can change the world.
    • Yours and everyone else’s.
    • Happy to be here.
    • Happy you’re all here.
    • Thanks for being part of my life.
    • Make your weekend count.
    • Out.
  • Breach!

    Breach!

    • For the last three weeks, I’ve visited St. Francis’ Infusion Center (or whatever they call it) to have the dressing on the PICC redone.
    • The first two times were pleasant.
    • Had good conversations with my nurses.
    • Got some of that skin-pulling pain as they peeled off the old dressing.
    • Ever notice how some pain feels worse than others?
    • Sharp pain. Acute pain.
    • Sometimes worse than like deep, persistent pain.
    • For a moment.
    • The clinging pain, well … pain don’t hurt.
    • You can get used to anything.
    • It all sucks, but …
    • Anyway.
    • Sitting there, waiting on the nurse dude to start working on my PICC, and there’s a silver-haired lady in the chair next to mine watching some conservative talking jackass blather on about how gun rights and Ted Nugent.
    • Dude literally said Nugent is an unassailable authority on gun rights.
    • Sure.
    • That guy who played guitar and got high is an expert.
    • Gooooo fuck yourself, media guy.
    • And that’s the problem with America.
    • Too much listening to opinions, not enough digesting of actual facts … because people aren’t taught the critical thinking skills to tell the difference.
    • No Heroes.
    • Do not let someone fill in the blanks on your opinions.
    • But also not why we’re here.
    • Shut your shit off in public or put in your headphones.
    •  Much like the biz-bro phone talkers in the airport, the rest of us do not need to listen to your bullshit.
    • Like I said before, we’re in a selfishness pandemic.
    • And the algorithms make it all worse.
    • Goes for me, too.
    • She was probably there getting chemo.
    • Which is way worse than why I was there.
    • I should shut my damn mouth?
    • Fingers?
    • Buy her some ‘phones in case I see her again.
    • Pair them for her.
    • Something.
    • Just another MADNESS MONDAY.
    • Hi, guys.
    • What’s happenin’.
    • All I have today are rants.
    • Like, I have one percolating about “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
    • I’m not doing it today.
    • But soon.
    • One of my guy friends, Phil, sent me a text today.
    • And I might as well just admit things and move along.
    • His text: “Have you read Fourth Wing?”
    • …
    • F.
    • Yes, yes I have.
    • When the first book dropped, I had, no joke, four different people at work tell me I had to read it.
    • All women, but I did not pay attention to that at the time.
    • Four people in one week tell you to read a book, well, you go try it out.
    • It’s a “Romantacy,” which is a genre still kinda in its infancy.
    • Fantasy about fighters who bond with dragons with a whole steamy “romance” in the middle.
    • Prose is eh. Beach-read level.
    • World-building is pretty good.
    • The romance part is … not something you read in books written by dudes.
    • I was like, “wait, this is what the women read? Good lord, this is an instructional manual.”
    • For … intimate relations.
    • Like, how do I have conversations about these books?
    • Am I supposed to feel guilty?
    • (I don’t, btw.)
    • The Anita Blake books by Laurell K. Hamilton tread this territory, too.
    • They became less story and more … Penthouse Forums or Letters or whatever that was called.
    • Which got boring, honestly.
    • Anyway.
    • I find this all interesting.
    • The difference in stories told by women and men.
    • Guys, it would seem we are way more … inhibited … than the women folk.
    • Or lack imagination.
    • Or perhaps fundamentally neglect their needs.
    • Food for thought.
    • Now, see, this is not what I would write about at work.
    • Maybe I shouldn’t here, either, but screw it.
    • I may have mentioned this, but my perspective on the world and my life has been irrevocably altered by the surgery.
    • Do not go gentle, remember?
    • One thing to say it.
    • Type it.
    • Another to live it.
    • Going to have to learn how, to overcome those behavioral habits.
    • If you want to achieve something new, you can’t keep doing it the way you always have.
    • And inertia is a helluva thing to overcome.
    • That works both ways, however.
    • Use it or lose it.
    • …
    • I can’t end with a damn cliché.
    • Last of Us has been good.
    • Billie’s coming to Tulsa.
    • Going.
    • Not even ashamed by that a little.
    • Billie’s a badass.
    • I hope we get to go, anyway.
    • She might be too much of a badass to afford to go.
    • If Spotify paid artists fairly, maybe they wouldn’t have to charge so much for their shows …
    • F.
    • Money doesn’t talk, it sucks.
    • I wish I hadn’t already used the Disrespectre.
    • (It’s right there on my laptop beside the trackpad. Every time I lift my hands I see the ghost flipping me off. Makes me laugh every damn time.)
    • (wickedclothes.com)
    • Feeling scrappy today.
    • Fight your Monday!
    • Once more into the breach!

  • The Perfect Drug

    The Perfect Drug

    • Woke up during the 5 o’clock hour this morning.
    • As has been the case for about the last 10 days.
    • Gross.
    • Left the room so as to not wake up the Wife, and also because I had to entertain Ginny, who’s decided food and pets need to be with the sun schedule.
    • Obviously.
    • Also obviously, I scrolled the phone.
    • A clip from NIN’s “The Perfect Drug” video popped up.
    • I’d never seen it.
    • Frankly, I haven’t really seen many music videos since the ‘90s.
    • Trent, that’s some goth weirdness you had going on.
    • To be expected, sure.
    • Still.
    • Now I’m sitting here on the couch injecting myself with my IV antibiotics.
    • Well, I was.
    • Can’t type and inject at the same time.
    • But at the time I was listening to Further Down the Spiral, which is excellent NIN.
    • Still am.
    • Listening to that.
    • But while I was … shooting up, the Wife goes, “Do you feel like a druggie?”
    • “Yes. Yes I do. Did you know I’m taking Nine pills every morning?”
    • “That sucks.”
    • “Yes, yes it do.”
    • You know, a PICC IV would make it easier to be a druggie.
    • More hygienic.
    • Something.
    • I guess?
    • I have no experience in that arena.
    • But the real question … when do I get the damn thing out, and what’s that going to feel like, because they put up a big curtain when they put it in and did not let me watch.
    • Not that I wanted to.
    • I’ve gotten used to a lot of things, but I still don’t like to watch.
    • I used to be horrified of needles.
    • This one time, I had to go get a steroid shot in the backside for poison ivy.
    • The Wife and nurse thought I was going to pass out.
    • Now?
    • Now I could write like a Michelin Guide to nurses drawing blood for labs.
    • “Required multiple attempts and had to tag out. 3/10.”
    • In the hospital three weeks ago, one of the nurses asked me where I wanted a shot.
    • I was like, “Yeah, I don’t care.”
    • Acclimatization.
    • Now playing: NIN, “Eraser (Denial: Realization)”
    • One of my favorite remixes of any song ever.
    •  And then “At the Heart of It All.”
    • Again, do I share the Spotify links in the comments?
    • Do I hunt it down on Amazon?
    • Youtube?
    • Do I leave it up to you?
    • (We all know how that’ll go.)
    • (Heh.)
    • Gonna be an Industrial kinda day.
    • What I want is for NIN not to score Tron, but to score AppleTV’s Neuromancer.
    • Holy shit I cannot wait for that.
    • Last year, I reread all of William Gibson’s books.
    • He’s like a sci-fi prophet blending of Hemingway and Elmore Leonard.
    • Basically that’s who I would want to become if my life had let me write books instead of articles and ad copy.
    • (Regret is a helluva drug.)
    • Seriously, if you go read the trilogy that started with Neuromancer your brain will melt with all the shit he wrote that’s happening RIGHT NOW in society.
    • Considered NOT writing a list today.
    • Not because I don’t want to.
    • It’s the why of the thing.
    • Honestly, I hope these are entertaining.
    • That’s the goal here.
    • I have to write.
    • You need to read something other than memes and propaganda.
    • Don’t get me wrong, I could write a whole list about all the bullshit I see.
    • I’ve even considered doing it.
    • Nothing but headlines of shit, all cut-and-pasted in one place.
    • Just to prove how much crap we’re consuming.
    • Your brain reads headlines faster than your consciousness does.
    • You are imbibing nonsense.
    • We all are.
    • I’m including myself.
    • So that’s my List goal.
    • To give your feed something … real?
    • I dunno.
    • To break the stream of bullshit with … what social media started out hosting in the first place.
    • It has become crap, destroyer of brains.
    • And hope.
    • I should not have to dig to find posts from my friends and family.
    • Though if you read some of Zuck’s bullshit statements last week, you can expect 90% of your social posts to be dialogue with AI in the near future.
    • What a wonderful world.
    • I’m ready, I think, for that house in Norway on the lake that’s only free of snow like three weeks a year.
    • If I won one of those $1 billion lotteries, I’d build or buy a village and start a compound.
    • (No, there would not be spiked Kool-Aid.)
    • You know, like Elon’s dumbass company town without all his stupid horseshit.
    • Language!
    • (Sorry, kids. You know me. I do the best I can when I’m at work. But I’m not at work currently, soooooo …)
    • The other night, coming back up the driveway from taking the trash out, my skull clicked with every step.
    • Gnarly.
    • I have never had a broken bone.
    • (Maybe a toe, but I never went to the doc to confirm.)
    • So the skull thing … new to me.
    • Clicky clacky.
    • No, it has not done it since then.
    • But it reminded me bones don’t heal in two or three weeks.
    • I guess that’s why I can’t exercise for another … ugh, 3-4 weeks?
    • Yeah.
    • Oversharing Thursday!
    • Out.
    • Gotta water some veggies.
    • Because of that stupid sunshine.
    • Pockets of it.

  • Add Title Here

    Add Title Here

    • I look like an escaped lobotomy patient right now.
    • Mwhahahahaha
    • Sup.
    • I’m sitting here on the couch listening to “Planet Caravan” by Black Sabbath.
    • The original, not that Pantera cover.
    • Not that the cover is bad, but …
    • I’m touchy, philosophically, about using things created by other people attached to whatever it is I’m doing.
    • Like the Oatmeal comic, or that cross-stitched thing.
    • I’ll attach that stuff because I love it, and I want other people to see it and follow whoever created it.
    • Here’s where I’d go on another AI rant.
    • I don’t want shit created by AI.
    • I don’t want AI writing or art or music.
    • If you’re a creative who uses it as a tool to help you with your end product, fine.
    • If you’re using it to think for you, you’re hastening the downfall of humanity, and making some rich tech fuck richer.
    • I’m sure you can use it to create dumb shit like bad action flicks and soap operas.
    • I’m sure they will.
    • But you get what you … pay for?
    • This is where I’d get into my movie critic argument.
    • The one where I say “just because you like something doesn’t mean it’s good.”
    • I have a lot of guilty pleasures, too.
    • I just know they suck.
    • And Knowing Is Half the Battle.
    • I guess the end game I’m struggling with.
    • If they have AI takeover creative endeavors, humanity will flounder.
    • We’re not meant to produce things for consumption other than food.
    • Not meant to spend our lives on assembly lines or in factories.
    • We’re meant to think and create.
    • Creativity is where our species advances.
    • You don’t solve problems without creativity.
    • Asking AI to do it for you makes you reliant on it for your thinking.
    • At some point, you’ll ask shittier questions.
    • And get shittier results.
    • Doesn’t anyone think about this?
    • Then again, I’m fed up with humanity’s continued inability to come up with a system to benefit everyone.
    • We don’t need to have poverty.
    • Or hunger.
    • Or homelessness.
    • They fling the word socialism at anything that can benefit the many these days.
    • And people believe it.
    • It’s bullshit.
    • It’s protecting the rich and greedy.
    • Hard to get away from it when they’re throwing “productivity” hacks at you every day.
    • This one’s a rant.
    • I guess.
    • I just work here, man.
    • We finished White Lotus season three yesterday.
    • Good stuff.
    • By far the prettiest show I have ever watched.
    • Started Andor season two.
    • Excellent.
    • I should’ve watched the finale of season one first, but I remembered as we tripped along.
    • For those of you new to the List, Mondays often end up as weekend recaps.
    • I started this one yesterday, so part of it isn’t.
    • I have been waking up at 4ish and unable to go back to sleep because the brain is flipping to ON mode.
    • I can brain.
    • Last night, I lay there doing FMLA math on how long I had to make progress on my book, among other things.
    • Kinda.
    • Brains update:
    • My left temple has been swollen and numb since the surgery.
    • I’d been wondering exactly where they’d opened the skull.
    • Figured that out Saturday trying to unload the dryer.
    • That repeated bending over stuff …
    • Oh, hey, there’s the crack.
    • Lol.
    • Still.
    • Not bad.
    • Still taking nothing for pain.
    • And I looked up without double vision for the first time since April 2022.
    • I never thought that would happen again.
    • It was in and out, but it happened.
    • The miracles of modern medicine.
    • Wish everyone had access to them.
    • And with that, I’m going to go take my IV meds and go for a walk.
    • You have the Monday you deserve.

  • Be The Light

    Be The Light

    • Compulsion.
    • That’s what it is.
    • Even when I’m not at a computer, my brain makes these Lists.
    • Started notes for one by hand this morning right before the IV treatment.
    • (Which The Wife handles.)
    • Where it started …
    • Pouring the coffee this morning, I had a flashback.
    • When I was a kid, on the weekends, we’d make coffee for the parents.
    • I’m sure it was Folger’s or something I’m way too bougie to drink now.
    • We’d pour it in these brown Frankoma coffee cups and carry it to them in their bedroom.
    • I’d walk slow, like carrying a landmine, desperately trying not to spill it.
    • Both of them drank it black.
    • (I did not inherit that, though I did get the coffee addiction.)
    • We also had this shot glass-sized Frankoma mug my Sister and I would drink coffee out of.
    • Just the one, I think.
    • Memories, man.
    • I can still walk around that house in my head.
    • I can still walk around almost everywhere I’ve ever been in my head.
    • Weird, right?
    • My memory … I wish I had more control over it.
    • There are times where it’s photographic.
    • Like, once in college during a test, I closed my eyes and read the answer off my study sheet that was crammed in my backpack.
    • The words were down at the bottom right, and curved up the side in my shitty handwriting.
    • Obviously, it doesn’t work all the time.
    • Especially these days.
    • What else?
    • People have been bringing us food on account of my surgery.
    • I keep getting overwhelmed with gratitude.
    • And am trying to figure out how to process it.
    • I bought a ton of blank thank you cards I get to start working on this weekend.
    • And if somehow I miss you, I’m telling you now.
    • Thank you.
    • For all your positivity and support.
    • You people are amazing.
    • Transitioning to randomness in 3 … 2 … 1 …
    • Have you had Sapori yet?
    • On Cherry St?
    • Everything I’ve had there is great, and the lasagna is the best I’ve ever eaten in my life.
    • Put it on your list if you haven’t been yet.
    • I could start making you Tulsa people a List.
    • Heh.
    • Hole Mole, right?
    • That poblano sauce is amazing.
    • Seriously, I’m going to make a website that’s nothing but Lists.
    • Or maybe I leave it parked on the one I already have.
    • We’ll see.
    • Take 2 has the best drip beef sandwich I’ve ever had in my life, and that place is a cause you can get behind.
    • I’m not even hungry
    • It’s Saturday morning, I’ve had my coffee and donettes.
    • Oh.
    • Here’s a thing.
    • This eye/brain stuff did not start in my eye/brain.
    • It started in my cheek, worked its way through my jaw, up my temple, and then crawled in behind my eye.
    • Along the way, it inhibited the movement of my jaw on the left side.
    • I could not really open my mouth.
    • Not enough to take a straight bite of a Hostess Donette.
    • We usually have those around the house for the Teenager.
    • So Thursday morning during the pre-School ritual, we sat down for some.
    • I pulled one out of the bag and stuck it in my mouth without thinking about it.
    • My mouth opened far enough to do it with no trouble.
    • Was an OMG moment.
    • Things are working.
    • Hope is a helluva thing, right?
    • I’ve been dealing with this shit for so long and like a typical GenXer, I roll with whatever happens.
    • What’s the point of whining when it is what it is, right?
    • Hope scares me.
    • I don’t relax well is what I’m saying
    • But good things are happening.
    • Oof.
    • I still desperately want an Old Fashioned.
    • Sigh.
    • This one’s a little self-indulgent.
    • I’ll do better next time.
    • It’s not a freaking journal after all.
    • What else?
    • No, I have not started season two of Andor yet.
    • It’s on a List.
    • I have a ton of lists of things to talk about.
    • Like getting the old Gang back together.
    • And physical media vs. streaming.
    • Mountain biking.
    • (Holy shit I cannot wait to get back in shape and ride my bikes.)
    • (That’s going to be a huge chunk of the list when I get finished up with all these meds.)
    • (Like, OMG I need to run and do push-ups.)
    • I’m avoiding politics as much as I can, though honestly, the Black List exists so I can talk about that shit.
    • I write these as discourse.
    • I want anyone who reads to feel like commenting, and to build a community where we get along and chat.
    • Online, because F all that in-person extroversion bs.
    • And you know, community is the thing that extends your life.
    • Enjoy the sunshine today.
    • Pockets full of it.

    I do not know who embroidered that molotov in the pic, or I would give them credit. But it made me smile enough to save it forevah.

  • Random Shit Per Usual

    Random Shit Per Usual

    • Medicine.
    • Both awesome and awful at the same time.
    • Mine’s effing with my sleep.
    • What’s up.
    • How’s everyone this fine Friday?
    • Literally perfect outside.
    • I filled up the Mouse mug with coffee, chased the cat around the backyard.
    • Got a runny nose.
    • Glorious.
    • So.
    • Some of you know I “manage” the social media for my place of employment.
    • What that means is I hired a young millennial to run it for us, and I stay out of her way.
    • However.
    • It means I have to keep up with social media even when I don’t want to.
    • Except for that TikTok bullshit.
    • I’m a Reddit guy personally.
    • One of the many things I hate about Facebook for normies is … no metrics.
    • Like, I know people are reading this bullshit, but unless you click the like button, I have no idea you’re here.
    • People keep responding and I had no idea they’d even read it.
    • Thank you for reading.
    • Trying to build something here.
    • …
    • One of our friends, who is awesome, sent the Wife a text in the form of bullet points.
    • Made me laugh.
    • Welcome to the party?
    • Lol
    • A List is easier for people to read.
    • Appeals to our dopamine-addicted brains.
    • Short. Sweet. To the point.
    • Anyway.
    • The numbers matter to my brain.
    • How big is the audience?
    • At work, that’s all I care about.
    • How many people saw it?
    • How many clicked the thing?
    • Data!
    • Give me data, Watson.
    • Data’s going to factor into my future plans quite a bit.
    • I’m a many splendored nerd is what I’m saying.
    • The Teenager just sent me “Carry Me Home,” by Royal and the Serpent.
    • It is spectacular.
    • (https://open.spotify.com/track/48ccwX9wv8bSSOdb2nKRBK?si=f9265c97c4814dc0)
    • They have songs on the Arcane soundtrack.
    • So good.
    • Like most everything I’ve heard from them.
    • You watched Arcane, right?
    • Might be the most beautifully animated show I’ve ever seen, and it’s loaded with great characters.
    • We’ve watched the whole thing at least twice.
    • I need to get watching Andor.
    • I loved the first season of that show.
    • Might be my favorite Star Wars property ever.
    • F them Jedi.
    • George accidentally made a cool sci-fi universe.
    • Yeah, those laser swords are cool, but … the world is the thing.
    • Man.
    • I am so tired.
    • I let Spotify roll after that song, and now I’m listening to “How Villains are Made,” by Madelen Duke.
    • Good stuff, too.
    • I gotta add stuff to my Femmes playlist is what I’m saying.
    • I keep getting lost in space.
    • Trying to figure out the car, still.
    • Probably going to have to haul it to Edmond for a total engine replacement.
    • What the actual fuck.
    • I just want my car back.
    • Haven’t had it since February.
    • Sigh.
    • Now that my brain’s settling down, it’s time to focus on other bullshit.
    • More debt!
    • Huzzah!
    • This world, man.
    • That’s a little bitter.
    • I get it.
    • But it’s cheaper to fix the car than buy a new one.
    • My forever car at this point.
    • Until my hips won’t let me operate a manual transmission anymore.
    • I love driving manual.
    • I hate doing it around Oklahoma drivers.
    • But that’s another story.
    • I’ve had a five- or six-speed manual car since … like 1997.
    • I will not willingly go into automatic transmission land.
    • Do Not Go Gentle.
    • I’m getting that tatted.
    • I have always wanted one.
    • The brain mass and surgery has changed my attitude on life.
    • Getting a sleeve on my upper left arm.
    • I have a list of elements.
    • I need a gifted tat artist to put it together and give it a unified style.
    • I’m kinda giddy thinking about it.
    • YOLO.
    • Seriously.
    • I know it sounds like all talk, but these lists are just the beginning.
    • I’m changing my life.
    • Buckle up.
    • Heh.
    • You don’t have to pay attention.
    • Honestly.
    • I’m just bullet journaling this shit and Change is coming.
    • Tick tock, mfers.
    • I’m going to need a logo to brand The List.
    • The Discord server is going swimmingly, btw.
    • Nice blend of people in there.
    • I expect it to grow a bit.
    • I’m not sure what’s it’s going to become, though I love the idea of having it when I become a published author.
    • Yeah, I said when.
    • Lol.
    • Enjoy your weekends.
    • And the … pockets of sunshine.