skepticlysm

Might Be the Wrong Audience for This One

  • Been a day.
  • 3 o’clock and I’m only now getting to type.
  • Tick, tock, mfers.
  • I think about time incessantly.
  • Post surgery, sitting there in that bed trying to get my wits about me, I had an awakening.
  • Paradigm shift, if I’m using some of that fancy self-help vernacular.
  • But it did happen.
  • The past three years, if I’m being honest, have been a deep, dark hole.
  • I had reduced my timeline from 20ish more years to five, 10 if I was lucky.
  • I thought a lot about leaving the kid unready to face the world.
  • Of not being here for my tiny family.
  • The hurt.
  • The loss.
  • And no small amount of fear of my own.
  • When the Mayo can’t give you an answer, it seems dire.
  • Hard not to feel the weight of uncertainty.
  • Hard not to let it feel imminent.
  • If you have never had chronic pain, you have no idea what it takes from you.
  • The amount of energy needed to function.
  • The world expects you to carry on.
  • Yeah, you hurt.
  • Tough shit.
  • Go to work.
  • You are only worth your work.
  • Produce, plebe.
  • Again, the toll.
  • I’m not trolling for empathy here.
  • I don’t talk about this shit.
  • Did not really talk about it to anyone, other than the basics.
  • There’s a thing.
  • It hurts.
  • They don’t know what it is.
  • Tick tock.
  • It’s like the scene in Krull when the wizard takes the sand from the hourglass to escape the spider’s web.
  • (Stay with me. I know we’re still on the week’s darker path, but there is light …)
  • Had the MRI on Monday.
  • Talked to the Mayo docs yesterday.
  • Everything is shrinking.
  • The antibiotics are working.
  • They’ve ruled out cancer.
  • They no longer think it’s auto-immune.
  • They think I’ve had a years long infection that got into my brain.
  • Might be one of those situations where I had one infection that allowed another to flourish.
  • But my Neuro Immunologist was geeked out about the MRI.
  • We had a super positive conversation.
  • Three more weeks on the antibiotics.
  • Another MRI.
  • But … OMG hope?
  • I dislike hope.
  • Moderation.
  • We’re not there yet.
  • But the way out seems through.
  • I don’t even know what to do with this, honestly.
  • I’m still sorta on house arrest.
  • Three more weeks with the PICC.
  • The skull’s still not quite there.
  • Clicky.
  • Breathe.
  • I mean, I might have a wicked scar, but in mere months, I might have a normal life back.
  • Holy shit.
  • Which brings me back to that paradigm shift.
  • I’m done letting other people control my future.
  • Sitting here letting someone decide what I do day-to-day.
  • What I get to make.
  • How far I get to go in my “career.”
  • Done with it.
  • Time’s a wasting.
  • It’s going to be hard, to keep from reverting to old patterns and habits.
  • However, like Agent Smith, I must get out of this place.
  • Why do we do this?
  • Why do we agree to it?
  • I know my why.
  • Do you know yours?
  • Financial insecurity based on how I grew up.
  • Too long has it dominated my decision matrix.
  • No more.
  • Won’t be easy, but you know what else I’ve learned through all this?
  • Hard ain’t no thing.
  • I beat shit I shouldn’t all the time.
  • I’m betting you do, too.
  • And honestly, I’m too smart and too good for what I’ve settled.
  • I know how arrogant that sounded.
  • I dgaf anymore.
  • And I’m bringing anyone with me who wants to come.
  • I’ve shortchanged myself, and that shit is changing.
  • I can’t believe I’m typing any of this, honestly.
  • I’ve been going to work for three years with a brain tumor and winning awards.
  • The hell, man.
  • That sentence is insanity.
  • What are we capable of with no obstacles?
  • What can we do when we’re encouraged and impassioned?
  • I’m not even high right now.
  • And there’s a goddamn Taylor Swift song playing.
  • (Not all obstacles are large.)
  • Sweary.
  • Again, that’s who I really am.
  • Sorry not sorry?
  • Hey, all.
  • What’s happening?
  • What’ve you got planned this weekend?
  • I’m not throwing that out there.
  • The weekend’s wide open.
  • I have stuff to do.
  • Some of it’s even fun.
  • Plans to make.
  • People to talk to.
  • Ah.
  • That was the normal subject matter I wanted to hit.
  • That whole introvert/extrovert thing.
  • I’m a bit of both.
  • Totally introverted around people I don’t know.
  • Like working a room?
  • Forget about it.
  • I do, however, deal with my awkwardness with random conversations.
  • I’m not introverted at all around people I know.
  • Quite the opposite.
  • A good side effect of the awkward compensation activity … I do not treat people bad in public ever.
  • I’m talking cashiers, waiters, hostesses, the mail dudes, FedEx.
  • I go out of my way to be nice.
  • And it pisses me off when I see others being rude, impatient, mean, and inconsiderate to them.
  • (Idealist, remember?)
  • Like, honestly, the fuck is your problem?
  • You have no idea what they’re going through.
  • You’re not better than anyone else.
  • You have no idea how much good fortune has shaped your reality.
  • That’s also at the root of the perspective shift.
  • Be better than you yesterday.
  • Stop comparing yourself to other people to measure your progress or self-worth.
  • Empathy for yourself, empathy for others.
  • With that, you can change the world.
  • Yours and everyone else’s.
  • Happy to be here.
  • Happy you’re all here.
  • Thanks for being part of my life.
  • Make your weekend count.
  • Out.
Skeptifist
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