skepticlysm

Tag: blogging

  • The Jury’s Sleepless

    The Jury’s Sleepless

    • In all this time, it’s the first writing from a desktop in months.
    • Not because I couldn’t climb the stairs, but because I got comfortable typing from the corner of the couch with people in the room.
    • Writing’s a solitary endeavor.
    • Mostly I write from a desk.
    • Laptop and attached monitor for that fantastic dual-screen action.
    • Good ergonomic split keyboard.
    • Keyboards:
    • At home, I rock an X-bows Nature.
    • At work … (Ugh, we’ll get to that in a moment) … I have a Microsoft Sculpt keyboard, which Microsoft doesn’t make anymore, but … someone else makes it for them?
    • Prior to getting the X-Bow, the Sculpt claimed the title as “best keyboard I ever used.”
    • Keys felt like a good laptop keyboard.
    • The split perfect.
    • I dealt with carpal tunnel early in my career and took the pain associated with that seriously.
    • I only do straight keyboards when working on laptops.
    • Which makes the current laptop writing trend … concerning?
    • An hour is not all day at work, however.
    • Anyway.
    • Like the teaser teased, I awoke with the dulcet sounds of Rage Against the Machine in my head.
    • They were never my favorite band.
    • Took me a handful of listens just to get onboard.
    • Once I did, however.
    • It’s more Zack’s lyrics and delivery than their sound.
    • Though I do like their sound.
    • They’re in my Top 10.
    • (Which I probably have in my head, but have never committed to paper or e-ink.)
    • But yeah, awoke to a dog lying against my back superheating me, “Guerilla Radio” blasting through my head.
    • READY TO FACE THE MOTHERFUCKING DAY.
    • Rallying around my family to keep me sane.
    • One of the constants about me is that I’m angry.
    • Like, all the time angry.
    • I don’t think of myself that way.
    • I do have a lot of frustration with things and am not shy about voicing them.
    • There’s an angry element to it, sure.
    • Dissonance between the way I’d like things to be and the way they are.
    • And don’t give me that crap about “well, make the changes.”
    • I control what I can … to help manage my frustration.
    • Like …
    • I write to give myself a voice.
    • How many people just don’t have one?
    • They walk about with all the stuff boiling inside and never express it.
    • Tick, tick, boom.
    • Let’s get into that.
    • Frustration.
    • How much frustration comes from fear?
    • Not all of it, sure.
    • But maybe a lot of it.
    • I have always been afraid.
    • Like that’s my trauma default.
    • Life dominated by fear, by what-ifs, and with substantially less focus on the good, what’s going right.
    • Don’t fuck up in view of anyone’s expectations because the Bad will happen.
    • People will walk.
    • Jobs will be lost.
    • Opinions of will occur.
    • And you know why I’m wired that way?
    • Because it’s typically been true.
    • Hard to relax.
    • Guard always up.
    • Scenarios, mostly bad, on decision tree in my head.
    • How much do you miss that way?
    • Scared of opportunity.
    • To even look at it, to entertain the possibilities in something other than risk.
    • The specter of failure the screen saver of the brain.
    • I hate it.
    • I hate being afraid.
    • Hate what it does.
    • Has done.
    • Don’t get me wrong, when the moments come, I usually step toward it and face it.
    • I don’t ever do that willingly.
    • I’m not as cowardly as my daily voice says.
    • Maybe not at all much anymore.
    • It’s tough to break thought patterns.
    • Remember that as you give yourself some grace, right?
    • I say that right?
    • That grace shit?
    • “I think I heard a shot!”
    • Let’s get back to the Frustration thing.
    • I talk a lot about time.
    • Can’t help it.
    • How modern life has wasted a lot of mine.
    • It does beg the question … what would you do with your time if it truly belonged to you?
    • I’d still write.
    • But in addition to that …
    • I’d be one of those Maker people neck deep in Raspberry Pi and 3D printing.
    • Like a character from a Doctorow novel.
    • (Seriously, go read Little Brother. Do it. Do it now.)
    • And goddammit, I’d be playing music.
    • And painting.
    • Though the painting thing is going to get some practice because I’m going to attempt to do some abstract stuff for the house.
    • That shit is expensive.
    • Even not paying a real artist to make it.
    • North of $500 for a reasonably large piece of art.
    • Artists need to get paid.
    • But I still can’t afford to pay them.
    • So gotta make my own stuff.
    • I need to go buy the paint and canvas.
    • Changes, man.
    • Promises made, to myself and others.
    • Still listening to Rage.
    • Damn, Zack has a gift for rhyme with substance.
    • There’s a reason Rage resonates with me, is what I’ve taken 800 words to explain today.
    • That, btw, is what most people do.
    • They identify artists expressing what they can’t.
    • Maybe that’s a life goal for me.
    • To be someone’s expression.
    • To those tired of being victims of the in-house drive-by.
    • Goddamn, Rage was ahead of their time.
    • “Am I standing in line?”
    • See you tomorrow.
  • Face Up, Make Your Stand

    Face Up, Make Your Stand

    • Sorry for the unexcepted interruption.
    • Moose out front should’ve told ya.
    • Shit just happens sometimes.
    • Immune systems get interrupted.
    • Compromised.
    • Mine’s on strike, apparently.
    • Which resulted in a two-day stay at Ches St. Francis South.
    • And here I thought we’d be five days into the Reclamation Project.
    • Alas.
    • Two days on, two days off.
    • Maybe three off.
    • Dammit all.
    • During this health odyssey, I’ve experienced exhaustion so deep I could not do anything.
    • Most the time, even feeling awful, I get up and do what I have to do.
    • I’ve learned there’s another level of fatigue.
    • The kind where you lay in bed and stare at the wall and do nothing.
    • You know how I am with boredom.
    • These few times in hospital rooms in the aftermath of something, I have not read, not watched television, not listened to music.
    • Just laid there, drifting in and out.
    • Not talking.
    • Nothing.
    • And you can’t even remember what you thought about when you’re through it
    • Or I can’t.
    • Health Time Theft.
    • Wasted days.
    • Wasted time.
    • Wasted Years!!!!
    • And yet, it’s the price of continued life.
    • If your body isn’t in tune, you’re shortening your timeline.
    • And even then, doing everything right doesn’t mean you’ll avoid shenanigans.
    • It’s important to remember what you can and can’t do in these situations.
    • What you do and do not control.
    • There’s no capitulation.
    • No surrender.
    • Do or die.
    • (Sometimes literally.)
    • It wasn’t the entire time I was in the hospital for the brain stuff, mind you, just that first couple of days.
    • Then came The Manifesto.
    • Anyway.
    • Been the longest gap since we started the public List.
    • Was not intentional.
    • This is my first time even holding a laptop in three days.
    • (Let me get my notebook. I had some notes over the weekend.)
    • Oh, right.
    • Mom’s staying with us because she’s had her hip replaced.
    • She’d mentioned before her favorite Star Wars movie is Rogue One.
    • Caught me off guard, really.
    • But honestly, I get it.
    • It’s probably my favorite, too.
    • So Saturday noonish, I threw it on.
    • Told her she needed to watch Andor.
    • We had a cool conversation about “most watched” movies.
    • Hers are Star Wars flicks, the Harry Potter movies, The Lord of the Rings … and I forget.
    • There were others.
    • I’ve mentioned it before, but Mom’s a nerd, too, apparently.
    • I would not have guessed it from my youth, except …
    • She took me to see Empire Strikes Back in the theatre.
    • And Raiders of the Lost Ark.
    • And out early on the last day of school to see Return of the Jedi.
    • (Yes, I know I’m leaving words out of those titles. Idgaf.)
    • We take her with us to Marvel flicks.
    • She, the kid, and one of the kid’s friends went to see Thunderbolts* without us (because I couldn’t go, obviously).
    • She’s recently been reading some sort of epic post-apocalyptic series I’d never heard of (pretty sure she found it on Kindle Unlimited).
    • I know my kid is a nerd, but I’ve used my influence for that outcome.
    • I’d never considered it might be in our DNA.
    • Though she took me to movies, we never talked books or anything.
    • It could all be I didn’t pay attention.
    • Because now that I think about it, I know she loved Ladyhawke and Princess Bride.
    • (Not starting now. There’ll be many missing Thes today.)
    • And now we have a grammar question.
    • The only time, pretty much, you use apostrophes to make something plural is if it’s a letter.
    • Like the A’s.
    • This error stands as one of my most hated grammar mistakes, because it’s either willful disregard or ignorance, but if you can make a sentence at all, it leans toward the former.
    • And I’ll be goddammed if I endure the language acceptance of something because people are lazy.
    • Get off my blank white pages with that nonsense!
    • So.
    • How to make The plural.
    • Just add the S?
    • Add the apostrophe and S?
    • It does not reconcile that my anti-rule following nature follows most the grammar rules.
    • I had multiple instructors in college throw out the “you must know the rules before you can break them” cliché.
    • (Adage?)
    • Clichadage!
    • Wachow!
    • Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me.
    • Sigh.
    • Ain’t none of us consistent.
    • Especially not English.
    • I never dug into why Rage broke up … until today.
    • And it’s mostly speculation still, which I admire.
    • The leading theory: creative differences.
    • Zack wanted to stay more political.
    • And is a perfectionist.
    • Like, did you know … he worked on an album with Trent Reznor, but never released any of the music because “it was not right?”
    • Tom and the rest of the band had no problem with increased commercialization.
    • And this is why I don’t really follow artists as people.
    • Like, I don’t want to hear Hetfield’s opinion about much of anything.
    • Don’t ruin things for us, bro.
    • I’ve forgiven you for St. Anger.
    • Shhh. Don’t mess it up now.
    • Same with Bruce from Iron Maiden.
    • I actually did read some opinions from that guy.
    • I’ll stick to the music, thanks.
    • Dude’s got a bit of a superiority complex.
    • To be fair, I might too if I were in a pretty big band for more than four decades, a trained pilot, a skilled fencer (like could’ve done the Olympics I heard) and other things.
    • Maybe it’s just the Britishness?
    • I dunno if he’s from a landed family or anything like that.
    • Okay, gonna stop.
    • Getting the pump primed.
    • …
    • I don’t even know what day it is.
    • F.
    • Have a whatever.

  • Belonging Kinds

    Belonging Kinds

    • First, “The Belonging Kind” is a Gibson short story in Burning Chrome.
    • And it’s a trip.
    • It’s probably a metaphor for what I’m about to discuss, but he’s smarter than I am and can be more circumspect.
    • Do you feel the need to belong to a group?
    • Like, do you need a group to define yourself?
    • I knew someone once who had this crazy drive to belong to something.
    • The things he wanted to belong to were … control groups.
    • Law enforcement stuff.
    • I didn’t understand it.
    • Still don’t, really.
    • I haven’t even been able to make myself stay in the Metallica fan club.
    • This is one of those things where I want to say, “I don’t,” but that isn’t true.
    • “Metalhead.”
    • Family and friend groups.
    • Is there a difference between interests we use to define ourselves and groups we think we need to belong to?
    • Why do we need external things to define ourselves?
    • Because that’s the language we have?
    • Clearly, this is the Rash talking.
    • A kind of madness.
    • I am going mad.
    • (Queue up the opening of Anthrax’s “Madhouse.”)
    • NP: Twenty-one Pilots, “The Line.”
    • Yesterday, I got my Casa Bonita Founders Club card.
    • Which makes me laugh.
    • I got on the mailing list when we were last in Colorado.
    • The Casa had a months’ long waiting list just for the soft-open.
    • Foolishly we thought we might go.
    • Apparently, it’s a destination now?
    • I probably only went a handful of times in Tulsa.
    • We were El Chico people.
    • That was my first Mexican restaurant experience.
    • What’s cool about Mexican restaurants … the variety of takes.
    • Like the differences between enchiladas, etc.
    • El Chico established “Tex-Mex” in my mind.
    • Stuff drowned in sauces. Con Carne, people!
    • Dear lord, I’m having trouble avoiding passive voice today.
    • Every damn sentence wants to use “was” for its verb.
    • I can’t lecture people about writing technique when I can’t do it myself.
    • Dammit all.
    • Were.
    • Was.
    • Is.
    • Bah.
    • Crap.
    • Writing in bullet lists promotes lazy writing habits.
    • Apparently.
    • See?
    • A damn adverb.
    • Motherfucking adverbs.
    • There I go, swearing again.
    • You know.
    • You can’t have known me and expect clean language.
    • Except in the book I’m writing because, well, it’s a YA book.
    • I know how it happened.
    • Still weird.
    • I need to get it finished so I can write other things.
    • Though the sequel is already a third plotted.
    • (IS; again.)
    • I am not currently fit for public consumption.
    • I need to go stand in a field and scream, except the heat would inflame the Rash.
    • This cannot stand.
    • Turning into a fine whine today.
    • I can’t wait to see F1.
    • Dude makes good movies.
    • Also, did you see the Denis V. got the directing gig for the next 007 flick?
    • Mixed feelings about that.
    • Dude is one of top two best living sci-fi directors.
    • But … he’s directed great non-sci-fi movies, too.
    • I think they’re about to shoot “Dune: Messiah.”
    • (About time for a Dune rewatch. Been a month or two.)
    • He’s one of my top-five favorite directors.
    • I’ll watch whatever he makes.
    • Except that movie with Jake Gyllenhaal and Hugh Jackman with the kidnapped girls.
    • Can’t watch a movie about kidnapped daughters.
    • I have not watched a bunch of stuff in my convalescence.
    • Weird.
    • Has been so much more draining than I expected.
    • I usually bounce back quicker.
    • Then again, I’ve never had my skull opened before.
    • Sitting here watching my Mom recover from the hip replacement.
    • She’s doing laps around the house with the walker already, and would no doubt be attempting more than she should if my sister wasn’t keeping steady watch.
    • Constant vigilance!
    • Anyway, recovering faster than the skull thing.
    • Perspectives and expectations, right?
    • Adjust to the reality.
    • Do not cling to your expectations.
    • That seems like the worst thing we can do as humans.
    • Getting stuck in a specific frame of mind limits your potential.
    • You have to be open to change, open to disappointment and redirection.
    • (Word always wants me to change “have to” to “must.” No one says must anymore, Word-bro.)
    • I’m not (open to change) as much as I’d like to be, anyway.
    • Working on it.
    • Like this “chocolate croissant” business.
    • It’s “pain au chocolat,” people.
    • (Always makes me laugh that bread in French is “pain.”)
    • Said this before, but if you want the real thing, you need to go to Saint Amon’s.
    • Next door to Nords.
    • You want a French pastry, go to a bakery operated by a real Frenchman.
    • Also, while we’re at it …
    • Listen, Panera, if you’d do it right, you wouldn’t need the powdered sugar and frosting crap on top.
    • The quest for profit robs us of better-made things.
    • Greed ruins everything.
    • Veering toward ranting.
    • Not gonna do it.
    • This time.
    • Wait.
    • I just ranted about bread.
    • My playlist just went from Royal and the Serpent to Killswitch Engage to Rusted Root.
    • Like a bunch of stuff.
    • Hit random.
    • I am a crazy person.
    • Actually, I think these lists represent a pretty typical trip through someone’s consciousness.
    • Maybe it’s just mine, but …
    • I have trouble holding onto one topic for any substantial chunk of time.
    • My brain operates in Squirrel in default.
    • Concentrating’s hard.
    • Maybe I don’t have ADHD, but it sure feels that way.
    • Remember me talking about the Kid’s boredom yesterday?
    • Yeah …
    • I apologize to her all the time for passed-on traits.
    • “Sorry, kid. Good luck with that.”
    • NP: Lorde, “Buzzcut Season.”
    • (When the hell did I hear that and click “like” on it?)
    • (“I have no recollection of this place.”)
    • (And if you don’t picture Gandalf along with that quote … maybe we can’t be friends.)
    • Speaking of Friends: Focus group time!
    • Thinking about paying $3/month to follow Poorly Drawn Lines on Patreon, because that dude makes me laugh and I want more.
    • You think these lists would sell?
    • Exploring options to get paid to write without a corporate/higher-ed middleman.
    • Part of the plan.
    • Plan the path to freedom.
    • How does any metal band think to write a song called “Flying Whales?”
    • Have a weekend.
    • Embrace the chaos.
    • For good.
    • Chaotic Good.
    • …

    Alternate title: Bread Fans

  • Use It

    Use It

    • Back in creative writing, Vollertsen demanded we cleanse our writing of cliches, and rote turns of phrase.
    • Like I said, I probably learned more about writing from him than I did any of my instructors in college.
    • Weaver told me I needed to use bigger words.
    • “Shibboleth”
    • Irrelephant.
    • The one I’m about to throw down, well, we need to discuss it.
    • “Use it or lose it.”
    • …
    • Before I get started on that, it occurs to me these lists contain a bit of oversharing.
    • Some hacker’s out there reading the blog and adding that to my data file.
    • I mean, I don’t have any money anyway, so … good luck, buddy.
    • I also don’t base my passwords on personal info.
    • But yeah, oversharing.
    • Part of the “healing” portion of this show, which I’ve mentioned, is that I can only walk while I have the PICC line in.
    • My days are spent on the couch, more or less.
    • Lots of writing. Lots of reading.
    • But not a lot of activity.
    • I can feel the muscle leaving my body, my resting heart rate climbing.
    • I dislike it.
    • I know the antibiotics are killing the thing in my head.
    • The area around the PICC is inflamed as hell.
    • They used a different dressing yesterday that’s supposed to be a little nicer to the skin.
    • Seems to be working.
    • Anyway, I have a bad back.
    • Have had since eighth grade.
    • Threw it out playing soccer.
    • And up until the pandemic, it went out two or three times a year.
    • Like, pick up a sock, back’s out.
    • I tore the meniscus in my right knee at one of Kaia’s soccer practices.
    • Did PT for it.
    • The PT doc (and I can give you a referral if you need it) told me I tore up my knee because my hips, core, and ankles were jacked.
    • Knee had to deal with more than it should’ve.
    • PT fixed all of it.
    • Like, if PT were a religion, I’d be a zealot.
    • He did tell me I had to do my take-home exercises for the rest of my life.
    • I’ve been good about it until this surgery nonsense when they told me I couldn’t do anything but walk.
    • Never again.
    • I am never letting this level of unfit happen again.
    • Thinking about starting Tai Chi when I get cleared.
    • In addition to running, biking, and weight lifting.
    • I have advisors and training partners standing by.
    • I’ll start a blog.
    • Another blog.
    • A different blog.
    • Maybe one that makes money?
    • On the server, we continued that music/podcast/audiobook conversation from yesterday.
    • Crazy how different we all are.
    • Someone commented they can’t listen to music they like/know when they’re working because they end up singing the song.
    • I was like, “Yeah, I used to fall asleep to ‘Master of Puppets.’”
    • Someone else dropped what podcasts they listen to.
    • Which made me think about using podcasts and books as personality profile components.
    • What podcasts would I even listen to?
    • Can my a.d.h.d. brain focus?
    • I did listen to a Brene Brown book once on a trip to Texas.
    • It was spectacular.
    • I wouldn’t even know where to start to find favorite podcasts.
    • And here I am thinking about starting one.
    • Well, a few.
    • I saw an article from The New Yorker about how reading is changing.
    • AI is going to fuck up everything.
    • Is fucking up everything.
    • There’s already studies about how much of a negative impact AI has on the brains of writers.
    • Idiocracy is here!
    • Anyway.
    • Pocasts.
    • I don’t even know what I’d listen to.
    • Weird that I’d make one before listening to one?
    • I actually had notes for today’s list.
    • I didn’t want a repeat of yesterday.
    • The sad part of that is my journal for the last two or three months is just full of bulleted lists of topics for the bulleted list.
    • I haven’t properly journaled but once or twice.
    • When I was down in a hole and had to get it out.
    • Paper therapy.
    • I believe in journaling as much as therapy, but it’s another habit you have to establish and stick to whether you want to or not.
    • All that self-help stuff about habits determining the course of your life …
    • I feel they’re right.
    • That’s why I’m here, after all.
    • Where was I?
    • Oh, right.
    • Music.
    • Ha.
    • I’d forgotten about all those Lofi mixes I’d listen to on Youtube back during the pandemic (and beyond).
    • I guess I’ll have to track some down on spotify.
    • I’m not paying for another service and I’m sure as hell not suffering through commercials.
    • I often laugh at the fact that I write commercials for a living and can’t stand them.
    • Most people suck at marketing.
    • They do it to do it, and to be clever, but don’t consider the psychology of it.
    • Most of them are just checking boxes.
    • Then again, that’s kinda modern work, isn’t it?
    • Check those boxes, get to pay your bills!
    • One of the parts of our conversation post “The Life of Chuck” was screenwriting.
    • I told the kid she might be happier writing screenplays because you can knock those out much faster than books.
    • Talked about my screenwriting class in college.
    • I actually still have the screenplay I wrote for my final.
    • It’s in a box with a bunch of creative writing assignments from college, a couple of my journals from creative writing in high school, and …
    • You remember when I talked about writing sequels to “Friday the 13th” in sixth grade?
    • There are two of those in the box.
    • I don’t know how or why I still have them, but I do.
    • I’m afraid to read them.
    • Kinda.
    • But also kinda proud?
    • This is what I’m supposed to have been doing all along.
    • I guess that’s good?
    • Do we do what we’re good at, what we’re passionate about, what we’re interested in, or do we just do whatever industry says we should because that’s what it needs?
    • Make money, friends, so you can buy back your … freedom.
    • Sure.
    • Have a Wednesday!

  • Save Yourself

    Save Yourself

    • Got a phone call from the ex-Boss yesterday.
    • She was listening to a spot on NPR about long-term infections that mutate and thought of me.
    • Because, you know, I have a long-term infection that mutated.
    • We’re not really certain of the mutated part yet.
    • But seems bloody likely.
    • Anyway, then we had a good conversation, which is the norm.
    • I paced through the house with my shitty bone-conduction headphones on because, you know, that’s the only thing I have and can wear at the moment.
    • Unless I want to go wired, and ain’t nobody got time for that.
    • Anyway, she made a crack about getting a taste of … not being at work.
    • Sweet, sweet freedom.
    • I’ve been thinking about it since.
    • And I’m not going to get too deep into it because I have work peeps on my FB friends list.
    • But since the surgery, since my FMLA/Mayo mandated recuperation time, there has not been a single day when I didn’t write something.
    • Something I wanted to write during time dictated by myself and not someone else.
    • (Not all Lists, obviously.)
    • I feel so much better.
    • Mentally.
    • Emotionally.
    • That’s with a healing skull and shrinking brain tumor.
    • And day-by-day, I’m less inclined to want to listen to my “superiors.”
    • And I resent all this “productivity” bullshit I see all over the place more and more.
    • The going back is a specter I’d like to call the Ghostbusters to take care of.
    • But you know, I’m only worth what I produce for someone else.
    • Only worth what someone else sees in me.
    • Horseshit.
    • And we live this way, voluntarily or resentfully, depending on your interpretation.
    • While I was thinking about that, Billie’s “Everything I Wanted” popped up on the playlist.
    • Which inspired the question: Do you know what you want?
    • I’m not talking Taco Bell for lunch.
    • Or the hot new iPhone with AI that tells you what you want.
    • In your soul.
    • Down deep.
    • What do you want?
    • I’m working on that answer for myself.
    • Things are not the answer, mind you.
    • Items.
    • Shit you can buy.
    • Ephemera.
    • You have to do the work to find these answers.
    • You have to save yourself.
    • (Queue Stabbing Westward …)
    • So yeah, that’s what I got from a phone call.
    • Also, Billie’s awesome.
    • Can’t wait to see her, even if our seats are nosebleeds.
    • Hit a huge writing milestone yesterday.
    • Feels like a weight off and there’s that tunnel light stuff.
    • Like I said, lots of writing.
    • Lots of naps, too, because believe it or not, when you have your skull cut open and things scooped out of your head, it apparently exacts a toll.
    • The screenshot today …
    • I do that all the time on both the laptop and phone for the express purpose of sharing.
    • I save a ton of things, too, and then don’t remember to share them.
    • My “saved” … folders? … on all the platforms are full of stuff I never remember to go back and look at.
    • In that moment, the moment of saving, there’s probably that dopamine hit.
    • A laugh.
    • A smile.
    • A “Steph’s gotta see this.”
    • Again, today’s came from a saved folder.
    • I identify with both statements, obviously.
    • “Move your ass people,” he thought, not acknowledging his frustration or blood pressure.
    • Then there’s that metal one …
    • (Right now, in the writing of this, I decided to post multiple things I’ve collected. Congratulations! You get a gallery!)
    • The metal one made me want to go buy the Satanic Panic t-shirt from Dice & Devilhorns, btw.
    • I didn’t.
    • But I “wanted” to.
    • A lot of the time, when I see clever memes or social posts, I think, “I couldn’t do that.”
    • I think about a lot of creative things that way.
    • Well, I think about a lot of things that way.
    • Because we all have different strengths and talents.
    • Yours doesn’t make you better than anyone else.
    • It just makes you different.
    • And we should all recognize (in all the connotations) those differences in others.
    • I’m not a meme-writer.
    • I’m not a poet.
    • I’m not sure what the hell I am, but there are some things I’m damn good at.
    • Same with you.
    • Like, I’m not going to tell Bliss how to project manage anything.
    • Or give him a lecture on leadership.
    • Or tell James or Jerm how to draw something.
    • Or Phil how to code.
    • Or Francis how to design a structure.
    • Or Jay how to coach.
    • Or Kaia how to plot.
    • Or Steph anything about managing my health.
    • A strength we could all work on is how to recognize what others have, and to ask them for advice without ego getting in the way on either side.
    • Me asking you for help or advice should not mean you’re a superior human to me, for instance.
    • The real strength is knowing you don’t know.
    • Otherwise, that’s insecurity fucking with you.
    • Fuck insecurity.
    • …
    • What in the actual fuck is going on with me?
    • These aren’t funny.
    • The pics are.
    • Go look at the pics.
    • (Now I have to go screen cap some from my Saved crap, because I haven’t done that part yet.)
    • (Sigh.)
    • “I can not save you.
    • “I can’t even save myself.
    • “So just save yourself.”
    • Still did not get around to that Hollywood rant.
    • Tomorrow!
    • Maybe.
    • Confession: I’m not sure how I’m going to go back to writing the sanitized version of these after I go back to work.
    • Also, how fucking early am I going to have to get up to write the ones for you guys?
    • Tomorrow’s problems!

  • Too Old. Too Old to Begin the Training.

    Too Old. Too Old to Begin the Training.

    • Time.
    • More often than not, when I’m writing these things, one thought naturally comes after another.
    • However, that means a lot of the time, I don’t end up talking about the originating idea.
    • I mentioned time the other day.
    • The specter in my head.
    • Tick, tock, right?
    • Like, I feel all the time I’m running out of it.
    • Wasting it.
    • Sitting on the couch, staring at the screen on that goddamn phone, flipping past all manner of irrelevant ephemera.
    • The hell am I doing?
    • If I don’t get the book finished now, it’s going to be too late.
    • Why am I not spending every available moment writing the book?
    • Because fear and anxiety are monsters, that’s why.
    • Life requires daily bravery.
    • Stepping up to punch your demons in the face on the regular.
    • Most people don’t have it in them, I don’t think.
    • The comfort of normal is an Odyssean siren’s call.
    • The devil you know speaks inactivity into your mind, all the time.
    • The evils of comfort.
    • Growth sprouts from activity and change.
    • Inactivity does stuff like throw your back out, which happened to me this morning as I dug through a drawer looking for my Last Crusade blu-ray, which apparently I don’t actually own.
    • I was damn sure I had the trilogy on disc.
    • Apparently not?
    • The hell.
    • Screw your subscriptions!
    • ….
    • Where the hell was I?
    • The anxious brain is a curse, is what I’m saying.
    • And time is your most valuable resource.
    • Not money.
    • And yet we let other people determine the value of our hours.
    • Some bullshit right there.
    • Do not go gentle.
    • All morning I’ve been in the Discord chatting.
    • Hours of good stuff, honestly.
    • We had conversations about books, careers, sports, movies, video games (and the lack of playing), and poor people food.
    • A lot of us grew up poorish, so we ate things our parents’ income could afford.
    • Like Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese.
    • Or bologna and American cheese sandwiches.
    • And cheap chips.
    • Guys.
    • Most of you know what I’m talking about.
    • Childhood comfort food.
    • Then there’s “cockamamie.”
    • Blame Upton for that one, but we did get Jerm’s art out of that deal.
    • I know, I know.
    • You’re lacking context.
    • This is the other part of the introversion conversation I started the other day.
    • Just because you’re introverted does not mean you don’t need people.
    • Kinda?
    • Maybe it’s just me.
    • But between reconnecting with a bunch of my high school crew, writing these lists to foster and create community, and the Discord server, I’m better understanding the need for connection with people.
    • Talking to you people, even with the cyber-arms distance of all this, has been kind of invigorating?
    • Only because I know you.
    • But still.
    • I enjoy talking about things I’m into, you know?
    • And also having those conversations about shared experiences, and differing perspectives.
    • That was kinda the part I enjoyed as a journalist.
    • The learning about other people and not having to share.
    • Again, I know.
    • The fuck do I think I’m doing here if not sharing?
    • Ah, there’s that swearing part again.
    • It is a sign of intelligence.
    • I have read the research on that.
    • Because, you know, confirmation bias.
    • But the research does confirm it.
    • Fuckin a right it does.
    • Heh.
    • These Black Lists are less about fun, aren’t they?
    • Jerm did remind me Last Crusade was on Disney+, so it’s playing quietly.
    • “I didn’t trust her. Why did you?”
    • I have several questions for you today.
    • Like, what would it take to make a mini-city populated by “our” people as we get closer to retirement?
    • Sure, it would be a Venn diagram, because we all have people outside of here, you know?
    • But … how cool would that be?
    • I always read about those tiny house compounds of friend groups.
    • And, you know, actual compounds built around abandoned missile silos.
    • How do we craft lives more like what we actually want?
    • Second question, and this one’s right out of the Discord server … if you could have the power of one of Marvel’s mutants, which would it be?
    • I’d have to do a list.
    • This, but if not this, then that.
    • 1) Wolverine’s healing factor
    • 2) Nightcrawler’s teleportation
    • 3) Forge’s ability to invent and build anything
    • 4) All of Longshot’s powers, but especially his “good luck”
    • I don’t want any of that mind-reading stuff.
    • Though Jean’s telekinesis would be badass.
    • And Psylocke’s psychic katana …
    • But, you know, that has limited use in our world because you can’t run around killing people, you know?
    • Not yet.
    • We’ll see how this ICE bullshit plays out.
    • Goddamn nazis running our country.
    • I mean, the fucking Proud Boys are suing the govt for $100m for … what? Because they’re playing into the bullshit that they did NOT try to pull off an insurrection?
    • …
    • They did.
    • That happened.
    • Do not believe the revisionist agenda.
    • I mean, wtaf.
    • All those motherfuckers should still be in prison.
    • And, btw, Hitler did the exact same thing when he took power.
    • Learn from history, or suffer the consequences of repeating it.
    • Not where I meant to go today.
    • Heh.
    • Like I said, the Stream has a mind of its own.
    • You’d fix things like this on the second draft, but … we don’t do that here.
    • I barely go back and edit.
    • These could be better, is what I’m saying.
    • And this one’s long.
    • (I thought about editing out the “political” rant but screw it. There are things happening we cannot let become normal. And yet … )
    • I actually meant to rant about movies, specifically Hollywood’s chickenshit tendency to do remakes instead of original films.
    • I have a cool meme to go with that.
    • A good quote from Ursula.
    • Or Margaret.
    • Tomorrow I guess.
    • (Predicting a low reader turn out today. I can’t write about the brain thing all the time. There are other things going on up there.)
    • Heh.
    • High five.

  • Might Be the Wrong Audience for This One

    Might Be the Wrong Audience for This One

    • Been a day.
    • 3 o’clock and I’m only now getting to type.
    • Tick, tock, mfers.
    • I think about time incessantly.
    • Post surgery, sitting there in that bed trying to get my wits about me, I had an awakening.
    • Paradigm shift, if I’m using some of that fancy self-help vernacular.
    • But it did happen.
    • The past three years, if I’m being honest, have been a deep, dark hole.
    • I had reduced my timeline from 20ish more years to five, 10 if I was lucky.
    • I thought a lot about leaving the kid unready to face the world.
    • Of not being here for my tiny family.
    • The hurt.
    • The loss.
    • And no small amount of fear of my own.
    • When the Mayo can’t give you an answer, it seems dire.
    • Hard not to feel the weight of uncertainty.
    • Hard not to let it feel imminent.
    • If you have never had chronic pain, you have no idea what it takes from you.
    • The amount of energy needed to function.
    • The world expects you to carry on.
    • Yeah, you hurt.
    • Tough shit.
    • Go to work.
    • You are only worth your work.
    • Produce, plebe.
    • Again, the toll.
    • I’m not trolling for empathy here.
    • I don’t talk about this shit.
    • Did not really talk about it to anyone, other than the basics.
    • There’s a thing.
    • It hurts.
    • They don’t know what it is.
    • Tick tock.
    • It’s like the scene in Krull when the wizard takes the sand from the hourglass to escape the spider’s web.
    • (Stay with me. I know we’re still on the week’s darker path, but there is light …)
    • Had the MRI on Monday.
    • Talked to the Mayo docs yesterday.
    • Everything is shrinking.
    • The antibiotics are working.
    • They’ve ruled out cancer.
    • They no longer think it’s auto-immune.
    • They think I’ve had a years long infection that got into my brain.
    • Might be one of those situations where I had one infection that allowed another to flourish.
    • But my Neuro Immunologist was geeked out about the MRI.
    • We had a super positive conversation.
    • Three more weeks on the antibiotics.
    • Another MRI.
    • But … OMG hope?
    • I dislike hope.
    • Moderation.
    • We’re not there yet.
    • But the way out seems through.
    • I don’t even know what to do with this, honestly.
    • I’m still sorta on house arrest.
    • Three more weeks with the PICC.
    • The skull’s still not quite there.
    • Clicky.
    • Breathe.
    • I mean, I might have a wicked scar, but in mere months, I might have a normal life back.
    • Holy shit.
    • Which brings me back to that paradigm shift.
    • I’m done letting other people control my future.
    • Sitting here letting someone decide what I do day-to-day.
    • What I get to make.
    • How far I get to go in my “career.”
    • Done with it.
    • Time’s a wasting.
    • It’s going to be hard, to keep from reverting to old patterns and habits.
    • However, like Agent Smith, I must get out of this place.
    • Why do we do this?
    • Why do we agree to it?
    • I know my why.
    • Do you know yours?
    • Financial insecurity based on how I grew up.
    • Too long has it dominated my decision matrix.
    • No more.
    • Won’t be easy, but you know what else I’ve learned through all this?
    • Hard ain’t no thing.
    • I beat shit I shouldn’t all the time.
    • I’m betting you do, too.
    • And honestly, I’m too smart and too good for what I’ve settled.
    • I know how arrogant that sounded.
    • I dgaf anymore.
    • And I’m bringing anyone with me who wants to come.
    • I’ve shortchanged myself, and that shit is changing.
    • I can’t believe I’m typing any of this, honestly.
    • I’ve been going to work for three years with a brain tumor and winning awards.
    • The hell, man.
    • That sentence is insanity.
    • What are we capable of with no obstacles?
    • What can we do when we’re encouraged and impassioned?
    • I’m not even high right now.
    • And there’s a goddamn Taylor Swift song playing.
    • (Not all obstacles are large.)
    • Sweary.
    • Again, that’s who I really am.
    • Sorry not sorry?
    • Hey, all.
    • What’s happening?
    • What’ve you got planned this weekend?
    • I’m not throwing that out there.
    • The weekend’s wide open.
    • I have stuff to do.
    • Some of it’s even fun.
    • Plans to make.
    • People to talk to.
    • Ah.
    • That was the normal subject matter I wanted to hit.
    • That whole introvert/extrovert thing.
    • I’m a bit of both.
    • Totally introverted around people I don’t know.
    • Like working a room?
    • Forget about it.
    • I do, however, deal with my awkwardness with random conversations.
    • I’m not introverted at all around people I know.
    • Quite the opposite.
    • A good side effect of the awkward compensation activity … I do not treat people bad in public ever.
    • I’m talking cashiers, waiters, hostesses, the mail dudes, FedEx.
    • I go out of my way to be nice.
    • And it pisses me off when I see others being rude, impatient, mean, and inconsiderate to them.
    • (Idealist, remember?)
    • Like, honestly, the fuck is your problem?
    • You have no idea what they’re going through.
    • You’re not better than anyone else.
    • You have no idea how much good fortune has shaped your reality.
    • That’s also at the root of the perspective shift.
    • Be better than you yesterday.
    • Stop comparing yourself to other people to measure your progress or self-worth.
    • Empathy for yourself, empathy for others.
    • With that, you can change the world.
    • Yours and everyone else’s.
    • Happy to be here.
    • Happy you’re all here.
    • Thanks for being part of my life.
    • Make your weekend count.
    • Out.
  • Soul Turbulence

    Soul Turbulence

    • And I know why.
    • It’s Dave’s fault.
    • Because of that parking lot picture.
    • And my comment.
    • For the past however many weeks, because of my time traveling brain, obviously, this song keeps popping up.
    • https://open.spotify.com/track/0rRboI6IRuGx56Dq3UdYY4?si=92a337de08f24151
    • Earworms are a hellvua drug.
    • I never listened to the whole song before … now.
    • (That’s another song I can’t link at work.)
    • A lot of rap, mind you.
    • But not that.
    • No, I don’t know why (hey, heyyyyyy).
    • That’s not why we’ve gathered here today.
    • We’re here to talk about Hope.
    • “Do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.”
    • I have an ingrained distrust of hope.
    • My therapist and I could get into the why of that.
    • I don’t like hoping.
    • Because I hate the letdown.
    • Yes, it’s irrational.
    • Dumb, even.
    • But, ah, there it is.
    • Yesterday, I met with a geneticist at the Mayo via video.
    • We talked about my prognosis.
    • She feels the infectious disease crew is on the right path.
    • Based on how I feel at the moment and the pathology and all the things.
    • I feel hopeful for the first time in many moons.
    • Trying not to.
    • You see?
    • Trauma messes with your brains.
    • I had half a list yesterday about mental health.
    • Deleted it.
    • I feel like everyone should have to do mental health check-ups with professionals just like you do with your PCP.
    • The stigma about getting therapy is your problem.
    • Seeking help doesn’t make you weak.
    • Being afraid to makes you kind of a coward, if you ask me.
    • Just my opinion.
    • And you know what I think about those.
    • Anyway.
    • Saw this article the other day about how rewatching and rereading your favorite films and books is a solid mental health coping mechanism.
    • It’s good for you.
    • Duh.
    • Saw another article that said something about how the Metal kids from the ‘80s turned out to be well-adjusted adults.
    • Debatable.
    • But then, why would listening to metal lessen your chances for being well-adjusted?
    • What kind of biased bullshit is that?
    • OMG METAL ROTS YOUR BRAINS!
    • (Throws on Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ the Law.”)
    • You know what probably rots your brains?
    • All that shitty country music about trucks and dogs and broken hearts.
    • You know who doesn’t have a broken heart?
    • My brother Jay.
    • You know why?
    • Today, he gets to retire from teaching and coaching.
    • Give it up for Jay’s Day of Freedom!!
    • (Seriously. Clap in your head or something.)
    • I should’ve saved that for the end.
    • “I dunno. I’m making this up as I go.”
    • I do keep finding myself wanting to rewatch during my convalescence.
    • When I can get my head out of my phone’s ass, anyway.
    • I’d probably rewatch Raiders every other day.
    • You saw that news about Last Crusade hitting theatres again for Father’s Day, right?
    • We snuck out of the last day of school in high school to go watch that.
    • Core memory.
    • I still have not bought my Mission: Impossible tickets yet.
    • I’m not sure why.
    • I’ll do that today.
    • Aaaaaand now you’re watching me type my to-do list.
    • Definitely not why we’re here.
    • Today, I feel terrible.
    • Last night’s sleep sucked, on top of or perhaps because of all the other shit.
    • All I can think about is getting back in shape.
    • I want to move.
    • I want to run and cycle and do yoga and resistance training.
    • I can’t do shit.
    • Only walk.
    • Which is fine, but it’s boring as hell.
    • I can feel my body turning to sludge.
    • I can’t abide anymore.
    • I can’t sit here.
    • Need the skull-fusion to accelerate.
    • That goes for everything, not fitness alone.
    • Passivity is some bullshit.
    • There is turbulence of the soul.
    • One time, my therapist told me I needed to go find a field and scream out all my frustration.
    • Right now, that’d probably blow the seals on my dome.
    • But soon.
    • Soooooon.
    • Today’s list is Facebook journaling.
    • Which means I didn’t have any cultural shit to talk about.
    • I could.
    • There’s a bunch of shit we could get into.
    • I’m trying to keep us out of politics.
    • These lists really are about trying to build connection and community, after all.
    • Seriously.
    • This is the crap I’d be talking to you about if you were sitting on the couch in the living room with me.
    • Obviously, I’d be asking questions.
    • But a list of questions on the internet is data-farming, right?
    • Imma steal all yo passwords.
    • Random skills you want to master: Go!
    • Guitar playing!
    • Lock picking!
    • Podcasting!
    • Home repair!
    • Dude, where’s my car?
    • Officially into the “losing my goddamn mind” stage of recovery.
    • Tired and crazy.
    • Then again …

  • To A Certain Degree

    To A Certain Degree

    • And we’re back …
    • We’re going to run through some updates from yesterday, and then I’m tackling something serious.
    • Head’s up, peeps.
    • Let me say how annoyed I am Facebook won’t let me use italics.
    • Style guide: Book, movie, and album titles should be italicized.
    • Song titles and poems get quotes.
    • This morning, I woke up early and laid there for an hour planning.
    • Lots of things.
    • One of them …
    • I’m not supposed to climb stairs, but Kaia’s room is upstairs.
    • I queued up “A Pocket Full of Sunshine,” climbed the stairs.
    • Turned the volume up loud on my phone and stuck it in her door.
    • She did not recognize those opening notes and said, “What’re you …”
    • Then the lyrics kicked in.
    • She shut the door in my face.
    • Mission: Accomplished.
    • Then I sent it to a friend, ‘cause screw him.
    • SitRep: Mostly, my head does not hurt.
    • Now, I have had literally agonizing pain in my head since 2020.
    • My pain calibration is … skewed.
    • This isn’t awful.
    • However, I am exhausted.
    • Prone to passing out at any moment.
    • And I sleep like poop because 1) 45 staples in my dome; 2) the goddamn dogs; 3) the PICC IV in my right arm.
    • None of these things make bedding easy.
    • When I’m awake, as long as I’m sitting, I kinda do okay.
    • Walking comes a bit challenging.
    • Random dizziness happens.
    • I have the doc appts coming up in another couple of weeks.
    • And then treatment.
    • We’re not out of the woods.
    • But fuck it, I will prevail.
    • Okay, let’s be serious for a moment.
    • I put up that pic about degrees the other day.
    • I have worked in higher ed for all but four of the last 25 years.
    • My job has been to sell it.
    • I know the data.
    • And when I don’t, I know both Librarians and IR.
    • Short version: Degrees make communities more successful.
    • The more bachelor’s degrees a city has, the more financially successful it will be.
    • Full stop.
    • What we’re running into, however, is the death of the American Dream.
    • Personally, I do not believe in it.
    • Companies no longer treat us as people.
    • You’re just a number to check a box to do something.
    • And they’re trying to kill even that with AI.
    • Let me ask you a question: What’re you worth?
    • I don’t mean net worth.
    • I’ll answer for you: your hourly wage.
    • Companies will get away with paying you as little as possible.
    • And they’ll get away with devaluing your position as much as they can.
    • At our college, there’s an initiative to promote those degrees that provide the most life-sustaining wages.
    • Not things you’re aligned with from a personality standpoint, mind you.
    • But things that pay you and generate revenue for companies.
    • You know, the ones that get away with paying you as little as possible and get away with providing as few benefits as they can.
    • Because their responsibility is to the stakeholders, not you.
    • Enjoy that few weeks of leave, and paying part of your health ins (which is tied to your job, mind you).
    • Enjoy that lack of pension.
    • You ever want to know how free you really are?
    • Who can you say no to?
    • You have a choice of when to arrive at work?
    • When you can leave?
    • What about your dress code?
    • Or what you’re allowed to say to your manager, based on who they are and what their leadership philosophy is?
    • And work from home has largely been stomped on my employers because they want to control you.
    • The data supports working from home.
    • Hell, the data supports a four-day work week.
    • America has always flown the banner of freedom.
    • Are you?
    • Back to that degree thing.
    • Degrees, all of them, make our lives better.
    • Let’s say “you” don’t want to fund a theatre degree.
    • How is it so easy for you to dismiss the contributions of a creative to your life?
    • They are responsible for all the books you read.
    • (Sorry, the books you listen to.)
    • The shows you watch.
    • The concerts you attend.
    • The art on your walls.
    • The design of all the marketing materials.
    • The gardens and parks you visit.
    • Creatives make your life livable.
    • But hey, don’t help them get started, right?
    • (Before running your mouths, go research how scholarships are funded for every degree that exists.)
    • They’re all paid poorly because fucking companies are in it for profit.
    • The whole fucking country is about profit.
    • For the few, not the many.
    • Do you ever stop and think about why so many cities are based around roads?
    • It’s because the government has funded so many companies that make cars and oil.
    • I don’t want my taxes going there.
    • I want my taxes making mass transit a thing.
    • Making it easier to cycle and walk.
    • Making everything greener.
    • Because literally ALL of that is better for people and the environment.
    • You know what I don’t want my taxes doing?
    • Bailing out the rich.
    • Bailing out corporations that have more freedom and resources than any of us.
    • That greener thing.
    • Is it better for profit?
    • Not right now it isn’t.
    • Okay, so let’s talk about why you think some degrees are “less than.”
    • What do you watch?
    • I know you don’t read.
    • (Go check out the stats on functional illiteracy.)
    • Now, before we start this conversation, let’s discuss my credentials.
    • I have a bachelor’s in Journalism (news/editorial) with a minor in Creative Writing.
    • I have a Master’s degree in Mass Communications/Media Management.
    • Before you want to argue with me about media, just know what you’re getting into.
    • Right now, our mass media (newspapers and television stations) are largely owned by billionaires.
    • Those assholes are in it for … profit.
    • The content on those stations, particularly the broadcast stuff, is chosen to maximize profit.
    • What’re you watching?
    • Have you checked the bias chart?
    • Have you looked up the research on the shit you’re spouting?
    • (And before you go running your mouth on me, just know, I know an Army of Librarian Ninjas and I swear to the Lort I’ll sick them on you.)
    • I’ve heard a ton of you say stuff to me that is 100 percent bullshit.
    • You didn’t look it up to verify.
    • You just repeated it.
    • Cut that shit out.
    • You are being manipulated.
    • And don’t tell me what I think because you’re making assumptions based on the fact you know I disagree with you, but you don’t know why.
    • If you are friends with me, you know (or are going to over the next few months) I care about you.
    • I’m disinterested in fighting.
    • I’m interested in better relationships and a better reality.
    • And we can make it together.
    • But it requires you to let go of the bullshit.
    • To avoid it.
    • To free your mind.
    • To work toward freedom.
    • Because unless you work for yourself, you are not free.
    • So let’s leave off there because I did not make a bunch of jokes or talk music today.
    • Our freedom is being taken from us.
    • Don’t be distracted by the shit you can afford to distract you from that fact.
    • Love you all.
    • More words tomorrow.