- Got a phone call from the ex-Boss yesterday.
- She was listening to a spot on NPR about long-term infections that mutate and thought of me.
- Because, you know, I have a long-term infection that mutated.
- We’re not really certain of the mutated part yet.
- But seems bloody likely.
- Anyway, then we had a good conversation, which is the norm.
- I paced through the house with my shitty bone-conduction headphones on because, you know, that’s the only thing I have and can wear at the moment.
- Unless I want to go wired, and ain’t nobody got time for that.
- Anyway, she made a crack about getting a taste of … not being at work.
- Sweet, sweet freedom.
- I’ve been thinking about it since.
- And I’m not going to get too deep into it because I have work peeps on my FB friends list.
- But since the surgery, since my FMLA/Mayo mandated recuperation time, there has not been a single day when I didn’t write something.
- Something I wanted to write during time dictated by myself and not someone else.
- (Not all Lists, obviously.)
- I feel so much better.
- Mentally.
- Emotionally.
- That’s with a healing skull and shrinking brain tumor.
- And day-by-day, I’m less inclined to want to listen to my “superiors.”
- And I resent all this “productivity” bullshit I see all over the place more and more.
- The going back is a specter I’d like to call the Ghostbusters to take care of.
- But you know, I’m only worth what I produce for someone else.
- Only worth what someone else sees in me.
- Horseshit.
- And we live this way, voluntarily or resentfully, depending on your interpretation.
- While I was thinking about that, Billie’s “Everything I Wanted” popped up on the playlist.
- Which inspired the question: Do you know what you want?
- I’m not talking Taco Bell for lunch.
- Or the hot new iPhone with AI that tells you what you want.
- In your soul.
- Down deep.
- What do you want?
- I’m working on that answer for myself.
- Things are not the answer, mind you.
- Items.
- Shit you can buy.
- Ephemera.
- You have to do the work to find these answers.
- You have to save yourself.
- (Queue Stabbing Westward …)
- So yeah, that’s what I got from a phone call.
- Also, Billie’s awesome.
- Can’t wait to see her, even if our seats are nosebleeds.
- Hit a huge writing milestone yesterday.
- Feels like a weight off and there’s that tunnel light stuff.
- Like I said, lots of writing.
- Lots of naps, too, because believe it or not, when you have your skull cut open and things scooped out of your head, it apparently exacts a toll.
- The screenshot today …
- I do that all the time on both the laptop and phone for the express purpose of sharing.
- I save a ton of things, too, and then don’t remember to share them.
- My “saved” … folders? … on all the platforms are full of stuff I never remember to go back and look at.
- In that moment, the moment of saving, there’s probably that dopamine hit.
- A laugh.
- A smile.
- A “Steph’s gotta see this.”
- Again, today’s came from a saved folder.
- I identify with both statements, obviously.
- “Move your ass people,” he thought, not acknowledging his frustration or blood pressure.
- Then there’s that metal one …
- (Right now, in the writing of this, I decided to post multiple things I’ve collected. Congratulations! You get a gallery!)
- The metal one made me want to go buy the Satanic Panic t-shirt from Dice & Devilhorns, btw.
- I didn’t.
- But I “wanted” to.
- A lot of the time, when I see clever memes or social posts, I think, “I couldn’t do that.”
- I think about a lot of creative things that way.
- Well, I think about a lot of things that way.
- Because we all have different strengths and talents.
- Yours doesn’t make you better than anyone else.
- It just makes you different.
- And we should all recognize (in all the connotations) those differences in others.
- I’m not a meme-writer.
- I’m not a poet.
- I’m not sure what the hell I am, but there are some things I’m damn good at.
- Same with you.
- Like, I’m not going to tell Bliss how to project manage anything.
- Or give him a lecture on leadership.
- Or tell James or Jerm how to draw something.
- Or Phil how to code.
- Or Francis how to design a structure.
- Or Jay how to coach.
- Or Kaia how to plot.
- Or Steph anything about managing my health.
- A strength we could all work on is how to recognize what others have, and to ask them for advice without ego getting in the way on either side.
- Me asking you for help or advice should not mean you’re a superior human to me, for instance.
- The real strength is knowing you don’t know.
- Otherwise, that’s insecurity fucking with you.
- Fuck insecurity.
- …
- What in the actual fuck is going on with me?
- These aren’t funny.
- The pics are.
- Go look at the pics.
- (Now I have to go screen cap some from my Saved crap, because I haven’t done that part yet.)
- (Sigh.)
- “I can not save you.
- “I can’t even save myself.
- “So just save yourself.”
- Still did not get around to that Hollywood rant.
- Tomorrow!
- Maybe.
- Confession: I’m not sure how I’m going to go back to writing the sanitized version of these after I go back to work.
- Also, how fucking early am I going to have to get up to write the ones for you guys?
- Tomorrow’s problems!
skepticlysm 
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