skepticlysm

Don't you believe it.

recent posts

about

  • You’re Not You When

    You’re Not You When

    • Where the hell was I?
    • Looking at a blank black page.
    • Because I roll Dark Mode on all things.
    • Sure, it makes the Mumford song not work.
    • Mostly.
    • “A blank black page and a swelling rage …”
    • I do not have a swelling rage today.
    • So far.
    • And it’s late afternoon, so it might not happen at all.
    • …
    • I’m kidding, of course.
    • Can you imagine being angry all the time?
    • Oof.
    • Today’s a writer’s block day.
    • Had appointments until now.
    • Opened the Word doc and … nada.
    • 88 words.
    • That’s what I’ve gotten in 30 minutes.
    • Usually, I can write one of these in 30 minutes.
    • Not today.
    • This happens.
    • To anyone who writes.
    • I should be doing other writing anyway.
    • Like the other day, I found a burned wooden match.
    • Sharpened to a point.
    • My brain literally thought of fairies killing vampires.
    • Which I said out loud.
    • The Kid wrote it down in her notebook.
    • Would make for a killer short story.
    • (heh)
    • I may write it.
    • Though it has been difficult for me to write fiction that’s not the Book.
    • Like being unfaithful.
    • Cheating.
    • Weird, right?
    • A different kind of procrastination.
    • The women are watching “Ginny and Georgia.”
    • Like a dummy, I’m sitting in the room trying to write and not watch.
    • Upping the difficulty factor.
    • Challenge: Accepted!
    • Yesterday, we had this conversation about “Gilmore Girls.”
    • They told me I hadn’t watched it.
    • I was in the room while they watched.
    • Of course I had.
    • No, I don’t remember all of it, but they watched that show for what felt like months.
    • Stars Hollow.
    • Would live there, right?
    • So we’re another 30 minutes down the road.
    • I cannot have things with narrative playing while I’m trying to write.
    • It’s why I don’t listen to podcasts.
    • When would I do that?
    • I’d have to cut into music time on the commute.
    • And then there’s the audiobook vs. podcasts thing.
    • Rather listen to a book, pulled into a story, or someone interview another person, or people talk about a topic they’re interested in?
    • I like the idea of both.
    • I do.
    • Tick tock, though.
    • I’ve tried to do the audio book thing.
    • Success in that area depends on the reader.
    • Like, “The Lies of Locke Lamora.”
    • Bought the audiobook to listen to on a road trip.
    • I wanted the women to listen because that’s one of my favorite books.
    • Didn’t make it one chapter.
    • Could not stand the guy’s voice.
    • Tried listening to one of Stephen King’s books on one of the Mayo trips.
    • Narrator did a good job, but the story …
    • Different problem, right?
    • Podcasts … I’d probably be all-in on those, but again, I can’t write worth a damn if I’m paying attention to people talking.
    • I have watched a handful of Hot Ones.
    • Always makes me want wings.
    • Not that I need an excuse to want wings.
    • Especially not when I know how to make those in the air fryer.
    • So good.
    • Steph likes them but does not like act of pseudo-cannibalism you go through when you eat them.
    • I’d rather not eat them in public.
    • Okay, that’s false.
    • I don’t care.
    • Good wings are good wings, man.
    • And it’s the same messy experience you get eating ribs.
    • (Go to Oakhart and eat the ribs. OMG.)
    • Anyway.
    • Wings.
    • It is approaching dinner time.
    • Made fajitas on the griddle last night.
    • Thanks to Pryor, I can finally make decent fajitas.
    • I need to try his guac recipe.
    • But not tonight.
    • I may stay on theme and make Burriladas.
    • We used to order those at El Tap in Stillwater, which sat less than 200 yards from our front door.
    • Do you know what it’s like to stick a Mexican restaurant that close to people addicted to that food?
    • At least it was “cheap” and we exercised a lot.
    • Burriladas … chicken and onions inside flour tortillas and smothered in queso.
    • You can use a grocery store rotisserie chicken for them if you want to make them super easy.
    • The Queso is the magic ingredient.
    • Usually, I pick up a large queso from a restaurant when I do this.
    • Another thing I haven’t mastered yet.
    • Queso from a Mexican place is a level up from the Velveeta nonsense we all eat on Super Bowl Sunday.
    • Not the same ballpark.
    • “Not even the same fucking league.”
    • I’m not even making fun of Crock Pot cheese dip.
    • Who does that?
    • That may be my Xmas dinner theme this year.
    • Table full of chips and dips.
    • I do traditional at Thanksgiving, so when Xmas rolls around, I try to do something different.
    • Did a fantasy theme based on recipes from the D&D cookbook.
    • Did birria tacos one year.
    • Last year, we did a giant beef tenderloin, which was magical.
    • Always used to do chili on Xmas Eve.
    • Chicken chili.
    • Got burnt out on cooking that, even though refined my recipe over a decade.
    • Have done soups for parties.
    • The last time I did the beef stew from the D&D cookbook.
    • Messed up and did not get stew meat.
    • Bought stir fry beef instead.
    • I’ll never use anything else.
    • Did the Butternut Squash soup with it (which is magical).
    • Okay, now we know writing something when you’re hungry bears the same warnings as going to the grocery store when you’re hungry.
    • (We just slipped into a Snickers commercial.)
    • (Also what happens when you start typing when there’s a show on.)
    • Hope you have something great for dinner.
    • We’re probably having cereal.

  • Flow Conjunction

    Flow Conjunction

    • First things first.
    • Happy birthday, Steph!
    • Here’s to many more!
    • (You say that for birthdays, right?)
    • We went out for sushi on Saturday because 1) we figured the place would be ridiculously busy on Sunday because obvious reasons, and 2) “No one celebrates their birthday on a Monday.”
    • She said it, not me.
    • So here we are.
    • I have a dinner plan for tonight.
    • Does not involve leaving the house.
    • But there’s a plan.
    • Anyway.
    • Tell her happy birthday if you haven’t.
    • Hell, most of you are on her friends list anyway.
    • Social how it was meant to be.
    • Not this algorithmic bullshit.
    • That’s why we’re here, remember?
    • The List exists to harken back to those early internet days, when we all had blogs.
    • There were a bunch of us in my friend group who had blogs.
    • We called it The Bloop.
    • Miss those days, really.
    • Though honestly, I think the Internet has (combined with my own internal issues) has held me back.
    • Digital time theft.
    • Which pairs with my constant pondering of time.
    • I feel, in every moment, I’m running out.
    • That it is too late to accomplish a bunch of the things I wanted to accomplish.
    • It isn’t.
    • Well, some.
    • But that’s another internal war I fight.
    • I get, btw, you’re not supposed to start all these sentences with conjunctions.
    • But, and, etc.
    • I don’t care, really.
    • That’s how we talk.
    • That’s how the words flow.
    • Flow’s part of the way you get better at writing.
    • Do it enough, you can feel what should come next.
    • And you know when it doesn’t work.
    • I could’ve written that without the and.
    • The exclusion of the word would make the sentence hit differently.
    • …
    • Was the first weekend I didn’t write a list since the surgery.
    • Sleep impacted that.
    • All these medicines are wrecking me.
    • Small price, but still.
    • Itching.
    • Sleep.
    • Destroyed internals.
    • Why haven’t I gone back to work?
    • My skull isn’t done.
    • I still can’t really get away from the bathroom in the mornings.
    • Sleep sucks.
    • And then there’s that gd IV in my arm.
    • And another couple of upcoming MRIs.
    • (One here, one in Minnesota.)
    • (You didn’t think we were finished with that sojourn, did you?)
    • That’s all the update you’re getting.
    • I’m over it.
    • Anyway, Father’s Day was great.
    • You saw the card.
    • We had a great dinner.
    • Went to see “The Life of Chuck,” which is spectacular.
    • There’s so much good in it, I don’t have enough bullets to do it justice.
    • It’s asking for a proper film review, and I don’t do that anymore.
    • Like Steph said elsewhere on the Internet, she’d go see it again, and she doesn’t do that.
    • We need more films like it.
    • Also watched “Cleaner” over the weekend.
    • Wasn’t bad.
    • Daisy Ridley in a remake of “Die Hard,” really.
    • Was not badly done.
    • Had some great lines.
    • The whole cast was uneven, but she’s great.
    • Was not bad to watch from the couch on a Saturday night.
    • Would’ve made some money if they’d, you know, marketed it.
    • Hollywood is biting its nose to spite its face these days.
    • And here we go …
    • Hollywood needs to stop being chickenshit if it wants movies to survive.
    • You have all these worthless voices on the internet trashing Marvel films, but Marvel’s one of the few outfits putting in the money and effort to keep making spectacles.
    • Them and Tom Cruise.
    • Everything else is a remake.
    • Or some low-budget crap.
    • And I’m sorry, but all these horror films getting lauded … yeah, when I bother to watch, I’m rarely impressed.
    • It’s like there’s been so much crap for so long, standards dropped.
    • The Frame of Reference got smashed.
    • Tornado of Unfortunate Coincidences destroyed a historically great medium.
    • Don’t get me wrong.
    • I love all these fantastic series made for streaming.
    • There have been a ton of them.
    • Lot of crap there, too.
    • But again, there are thousands of books in all genres that would make great films.
    • You know, provided you can get the filmmakers to stick to the soul of the source material.
    • If you want to create your own story, then do that, but don’t do it to an IP someone else thought up.
    • Monday Madness!!
    • I surf Reddit more than any other “social” media, because it’s the closest thing we have left to forums from the old days.
    • There’s a ton of crap on there, however, and plenty of it meant to stoke political fires.
    • Make everyone reactionary.
    • Most the time, I read a title, think “Huh,” and move on.
    • I don’t give it real inflammatory space because I don’t want to go research it most the time.
    • If I know a thing might not be true, or might not be true in the way it’s presented, then I don’t give it weight.
    • But today, I saw Trump’s post on Truth Social about targeting major cities because they’re seats of Democrat power …
    • I tossed out almost 300 words of political rant.
    • Aaaannnd another 200.
    • Then deleted more.
    • (Took a breath.)
    • You’re going to have to show me this “radical Left.”
    • With sources.
    • Pretty sure millions of people across the country rolled out in protest of this orange goon, and nothing got burnt down or destroyed.
    • Radical.
    • Smfh
    • Yeah, 700 words tossed in the trash doc because … it’s exhausting.
    • Which, you know, is what they want.
    • I’m taking the off ramp.
    • Sitting here listening to the “Moody Mix” Spotify made for me.
    • Lots of good stuff.
    • Weird though.
    • Billie Eilish, Lana Del Ray, Slipknot, gd Limp Bizkit, Paris Paloma, Phantogram, Nine Inch Nails, Megadeth, Alice in Chains …
    • I would not have made this on my own, is what I’m saying, but I’m digging it.
    • I’ll throw the link in the comments for you Spotifiers.
    • While the Kiddo and I ran some errands, I told her I’ve had that Royal and the Serpent song (“Carry Me Home”) stuck in my head for … weeks.
    • I don’t mind. It’s a good song.
    • She said, “I think I’ve only listened to it three times.”
    • “You sent me a song you only listened to once?”
    • “Yes. I knew you’d like it.”
    • Happy father’s day.
    • Happy birthday.
    • Happy Monday.
  • Some of Those Who Work Forces

    Some of Those Who Work Forces

    • Yeah, hi.
    • I did write a … wait.
    • I didn’t write yesterday’s …
    • Wait.
    • I started this yesterday, but did not post.
    • TIME TRAVEL FOR DUMMIES.
    • And then I stopped, set the lappy aside, and watched the rest of Dept. Q, which has fantastic characters.
    • I hope they make a couple more seasons of that.
    • Anyway.
    • Sitting here in the couch spot, writing.
    • And surfing, because goddammit, though I don’t want to, I start my days looking at social.
    • (Insert a lot more swearing.)
    • Looked at Hamby’s post this morning.
    • And now I’m listening to Rage Against the Machine.
    • How is it only 9:42 a.m.?
    • “Killing in the Name”
    • Anthemic.
    • (Well, it’s mine anyway. Especially now, after the awakening.)
    • I mean, depending on your stance, this song (and most their songs), seem particularly relevant at the moment.
    • Tom was a Harvard political science grad, after all.
    • Actually played that out loud.
    • I’ll shut if off now.
    • No need to drag Steph down the hole with me.
    • Oddly enough, I have no Rage Against the Machine merch.
    • The only band shirts I have are Tool and Metallica.
    • Which are my most listened-to bands.
    • But I probably should have a Rage one in the quiver.
    • I’m planning on going to the Woody Guthrie museum and picking up a hat.
    • (You might be able to guess which one …)
    • I’ve said it before, but now’s the golden age of t-shirts and merch.
    • There is a lot of crap, however.
    • Most of it is crap.
    • Sturgeon’s Law.
    • Like some jackass with Canva thinks they’re a designer and can make and sell t-shirts based off some lame template with a terrible font.
    • Or they’re just throwing up shops of AI-designed bullshit.
    • AI isn’t the way, people.
    • It’s another way to put people out of jobs.
    • To take the humanity out of everything.
    • For profit.
    • And then what?
    • They let machines and AI take all the white-collar jobs.
    • Do they really think we’re going to be cool with the rich fucks sitting there on beaches and yachts while the rest of us, what, work …
    • What work?
    • You can’t manufacture endless shit people won’t be able to afford.
    • The path we’re on is not the right one.
    • …
    • Dammit, Hamby.
    • The running joke about me is that I’m always angry.
    • That pic I ran yesterday, the greeting card thing, yeah … that’s probably closer to the truth.
    • And Vollertsen’s constant pointing out my idealism.
    • That’s where my “anger” comes from.
    • I cannot stand the cruelty in our society.
    • I cannot stand the presumptions that govern behavior, those attempts to put ourselves above others, that some of us are doing it the “right” way and deserve it more than someone not doing it “right.”
    • We should be focused on putting policies in place that provide opportunities for everyone.
    • We don’t.
    • Everyone’s morning affirmations should include, “I am not better than anyone else.”
    • Angry.
    • Frustrated is a better descriptor.
    • I get angry about injustice.
    • Inequality.
    • About motherfuckers trying to make their business my own, their view the only one, their path my path.
    • Cut the shit, people.
    • Focus on empathy.
    • Do right for others when you can.
    • Make the world better, because it sure as fuck is not at the moment.
    • I have a 17 y.o. FFS.
    • This is the world she gets to live in?
    • Are you kidding me?
    • I need to send her to the Sarah Conner school of life.
    • …
    • Hi.
    • There’s a lot of stuff I consider writing about in the List, and then don’t.
    • I have this problem at work for sure.
    • But even out here, where I’m “free,” I refrain.
    • Like … we could be talking about pooping.
    • Do you KNOW what it’s like to be on antibiotics for two months?
    • I have stories, man.
    • I tell them to Pryor, because we’ve been trading that kind of nonsense for 48 years.
    • 48 years!!
    • What I’m saying is that meds have inspired me to spend a lot of time in or near bathrooms.
    • To the point where Ginny the Cat accompanies me, lays on the mat in front of the shower and slow blinks at me.
    • The hell, cat.
    • Yes, she’s protecting me.
    • From … the turd monsters?
    • This morning, she tried to climb into the toilet.
    • We’ve had her a year, (almost a year?), and she’s only just now coming around.
    • We know she was a breeder cat.
    • The hell did they do to her?
    • Never hold her?
    • Never let her out of the crate?
    • She’s laying on the couch next to me at the moment.
    • Not against me, mind you, but … close.
    • Meanwhile, Liho (my cat), is walking from room to room caterwauling.
    • Ask not for whom the Cat squalls, it squalls for thee.
    • I talk to Liho when she does this.
    • Discuss what her issues might be.
    • She shuts up then.
    • For a bit.
    • At night, when we feed the cats their wet food, there are two phases of her noise making.
    • The first comes about halfway through her food.
    • We think it is her song of joy, telling us how much she loves the food, giving thanks to her providers.
    • Or it could be her going, “What is this shit you feed me every night? This, again. I hope you rot in Human Hell.”
    • Then she cries again when she’s finished to be let out of the kitchen.
    • We have to keep them separated while they eat.
    • Ginny hoovers hers up and then goes for Liho’s.
    • Liho beats Ginny up many times a day, or acts aggressively with swats, rushes, and hisses.
    • When food’s involved, however, she lets Ginny bully her out of the way.
    • The hell, cats?
    • Another day, another dodge of the Hollywood rant.
    • Someday.
    • Will it be worth the wait?
    • Probably not.
    • What else?
    • Going to be an action-packed weekend.
    • Steph’s birthday is Monday.
    • It always falls in or around Father’s Day.
    • Got that.
    • Got other things going on, too.
    • Stuff to write.
    • Hoping I get the car back again today.
    • Taking the kiddo shopping tomorrow.
    • I think.
    • Now I’m just stretching this out.
    • List record length.
    • 1011 words (well, it was, then I went back through it “editing.”)
    • OMG
    • Did I waste your time?
    • No one’s making you read.
    • (Queue Rage …)
    • I gotta go shoot up anyway, so you’re off the hook.
    • I hope the weekend finds you before I do.

  • Rabbit Hole

    Rabbit Hole

    • One of the things I’ve had to go back and work on for my novel … character sheets.
    • I can see the characters in my head but reading while I’m revising, a lot of them are 2-D.
    • I noticed a lack of presence and flat dialogue.
    • Which means they’re placeholders and need to be fixed.
    • Annoying af.
    • Another speedbump in the struggle of writing a book.
    • That kind of thing was easier in the one I tried to write before.
    • At least it seemed so at the time.
    • Also a time when that was all I needed to worry about.
    • The job was to write, not to … job.
    • Anyway, character dictates plot as much as plot dictates character.
    • Kaia plotting everything down to the tiniest detail shone a light on why it’s taken me so long to write the goddamn book.
    • I get stuck because I did not do the pre-work.
    • I’m not a Pantser, as it turns out.
    • Exposition: allegedly there are two kinds of novelists – Plotters and Pantsers.
    • Plotters plan.
    • Pantsers pull it out of their asses.
    • Sorry, “write by the seat of their pants.”
    • That’s what Stephen King does, btw.
    • I bet he does not write character synopses.
    • I can’t sit here in these lists and criticize novels and movies for lack of character depth when I’m not doing it in my own work.
    • Don’t get me wrong.
    • Just because characters are flat does not mean the work won’t be entertaining.
    • There are fucktons of IPs where we have basic characters and the thing is about the plot/spectacle.
    • Fun, but disposable.
    • Beach books, right?
    • But your audience develops shallower emotional involvement when the characters are flat.
    • Which means the rollercoaster ride has to be perfect.
    • I’d rather have both, you know?
    • It’s like marketing: if you’re not creating an emotional connection to the property, no one’s going to remember (or return/buy your thing again).
    • (This is why most commercials are dogshit, btw.)
    • (Brand loyalty is an emotional response to a product or business.)
    • (Coke or Pepsi?)
    • (Favorite sports team?)
    • (I could do a whole list, or series of lists, on what makes for successful marketing, and you would not believe the amount of emotional manipulation that makes the good stuff good.)
    • My book is not literature, it’s a pulpy YA adventure.
    • Book one of a trilogy.
    • The heroine is 15 in book one, 17 in book two, and 19 in book three.
    • This is no kiddie story, but it begins when she’s youngish.
    • And she’s a she because way back when this was a short story, not a novel, Kaia said, “Why isn’t he a girl?”
    • Which is also how this became FOR her instead of for me.
    • I just thought the idea was cool.
    • Couple of kids break into a sorceress’s home.
    • Getting back out turns out to be harder.
    • This has been more difficult than writing my Master’s thesis.
    • However.
    • Progress!
    • I’m kinda pissed it’s taken me six weeks to make headway on it.
    • Head had to clear up a bit I guess.
    • We’re rollin’ now.
    • Obstacles being removed.
    • Hold fast.
    • You know, they say you’re less likely to complete a goal if you talk about it.
    • Like, I’m less likely to finish the book because I’ve talked about it to people.
    • F.
    • Too late, right?
    • Writing is a largely solitary effort.
    • You with a keyboard in a room alone.
    • Sometimes, however, you need to talk about it.
    • Need feedback.
    • Need holes shot in your thinking.
    • 17 chapters to go.
    • That’s where we’re at.
    • And then we revise.
    • (This is another of those lists written the day before.)
    • (Most of it.)
    • (Yes, sometimes, I write two in a day.)
    • (Like I’ve said before, this is compulsory.)
    • (And the freedom has been inspirational and motivational.)
    • (I’m not going to finish this one yesterday, however.)
    • Anyway, character sheets.
    • One of the how-to books I read on novel writing had you do all this character pre-work.
    • Role.
    • Values.
    • Ambition.
    • Goal.
    • …
    • But all I can think of are D&D character sheets.
    • It’s a struggle not to give them ability scores and proficiencies.
    • I am giving them alignments.
    • Because, duh.
    • Shorthand for values and general demeanor.
    • At least when you’ve trafficked in alignment labels for 40 years.
    • Go find a D&D alignment quiz out there on the Web.
    • (I’d do it for you, but the link would only be good on the blog, not FB, and … c’mon, you can web on your own.)
    • (Okay, fine.)
    • I’m Chaotic Good.
    • Got a t-shirt and everything.
    • Yippie-ki-yay.
    • My favorite descriptor of that alignment: “The right thing, the wrong way.”
    • Wrong’s a strong word, and I disagree with it in this context.
    • Who’re you to tell me I’m wrong?
    • It’s only wrong because you think you’re right.
    • (Said all I needed to say on the opening topic.)
    • (Maybe I’ll get to the chickenshit Hollywood bit …)
    • Honestly I took one of those tests just now and came up True Neutral, but that does not fit my internal narrative.
    • I feel I should mansplain it a bit.
    • When you’re doing an RPG, the alignment you assign to your character dictates how they act.
    • Say they’re Lawful Good, then they’d be a Dudley Doright kind of person.
    • Chaotic Evil would be a megalomaniac.
    • Chaotic Good would be … John McClain or Henry Jones, Jr.
    • It’s like a game version of Myers-Briggs.
    • Okay, yeah.
    • I may post another of these later that’s a little more … in line with what we’ve been doing.
    • This one’s like a writer’s nerd rabbit hole.
    • I need like a song rec or something.
    • Uh …
    • “Death Do Us Part,” Royal and the Serpent.

  • Save Yourself

    Save Yourself

    • Got a phone call from the ex-Boss yesterday.
    • She was listening to a spot on NPR about long-term infections that mutate and thought of me.
    • Because, you know, I have a long-term infection that mutated.
    • We’re not really certain of the mutated part yet.
    • But seems bloody likely.
    • Anyway, then we had a good conversation, which is the norm.
    • I paced through the house with my shitty bone-conduction headphones on because, you know, that’s the only thing I have and can wear at the moment.
    • Unless I want to go wired, and ain’t nobody got time for that.
    • Anyway, she made a crack about getting a taste of … not being at work.
    • Sweet, sweet freedom.
    • I’ve been thinking about it since.
    • And I’m not going to get too deep into it because I have work peeps on my FB friends list.
    • But since the surgery, since my FMLA/Mayo mandated recuperation time, there has not been a single day when I didn’t write something.
    • Something I wanted to write during time dictated by myself and not someone else.
    • (Not all Lists, obviously.)
    • I feel so much better.
    • Mentally.
    • Emotionally.
    • That’s with a healing skull and shrinking brain tumor.
    • And day-by-day, I’m less inclined to want to listen to my “superiors.”
    • And I resent all this “productivity” bullshit I see all over the place more and more.
    • The going back is a specter I’d like to call the Ghostbusters to take care of.
    • But you know, I’m only worth what I produce for someone else.
    • Only worth what someone else sees in me.
    • Horseshit.
    • And we live this way, voluntarily or resentfully, depending on your interpretation.
    • While I was thinking about that, Billie’s “Everything I Wanted” popped up on the playlist.
    • Which inspired the question: Do you know what you want?
    • I’m not talking Taco Bell for lunch.
    • Or the hot new iPhone with AI that tells you what you want.
    • In your soul.
    • Down deep.
    • What do you want?
    • I’m working on that answer for myself.
    • Things are not the answer, mind you.
    • Items.
    • Shit you can buy.
    • Ephemera.
    • You have to do the work to find these answers.
    • You have to save yourself.
    • (Queue Stabbing Westward …)
    • So yeah, that’s what I got from a phone call.
    • Also, Billie’s awesome.
    • Can’t wait to see her, even if our seats are nosebleeds.
    • Hit a huge writing milestone yesterday.
    • Feels like a weight off and there’s that tunnel light stuff.
    • Like I said, lots of writing.
    • Lots of naps, too, because believe it or not, when you have your skull cut open and things scooped out of your head, it apparently exacts a toll.
    • The screenshot today …
    • I do that all the time on both the laptop and phone for the express purpose of sharing.
    • I save a ton of things, too, and then don’t remember to share them.
    • My “saved” … folders? … on all the platforms are full of stuff I never remember to go back and look at.
    • In that moment, the moment of saving, there’s probably that dopamine hit.
    • A laugh.
    • A smile.
    • A “Steph’s gotta see this.”
    • Again, today’s came from a saved folder.
    • I identify with both statements, obviously.
    • “Move your ass people,” he thought, not acknowledging his frustration or blood pressure.
    • Then there’s that metal one …
    • (Right now, in the writing of this, I decided to post multiple things I’ve collected. Congratulations! You get a gallery!)
    • The metal one made me want to go buy the Satanic Panic t-shirt from Dice & Devilhorns, btw.
    • I didn’t.
    • But I “wanted” to.
    • A lot of the time, when I see clever memes or social posts, I think, “I couldn’t do that.”
    • I think about a lot of creative things that way.
    • Well, I think about a lot of things that way.
    • Because we all have different strengths and talents.
    • Yours doesn’t make you better than anyone else.
    • It just makes you different.
    • And we should all recognize (in all the connotations) those differences in others.
    • I’m not a meme-writer.
    • I’m not a poet.
    • I’m not sure what the hell I am, but there are some things I’m damn good at.
    • Same with you.
    • Like, I’m not going to tell Bliss how to project manage anything.
    • Or give him a lecture on leadership.
    • Or tell James or Jerm how to draw something.
    • Or Phil how to code.
    • Or Francis how to design a structure.
    • Or Jay how to coach.
    • Or Kaia how to plot.
    • Or Steph anything about managing my health.
    • A strength we could all work on is how to recognize what others have, and to ask them for advice without ego getting in the way on either side.
    • Me asking you for help or advice should not mean you’re a superior human to me, for instance.
    • The real strength is knowing you don’t know.
    • Otherwise, that’s insecurity fucking with you.
    • Fuck insecurity.
    • …
    • What in the actual fuck is going on with me?
    • These aren’t funny.
    • The pics are.
    • Go look at the pics.
    • (Now I have to go screen cap some from my Saved crap, because I haven’t done that part yet.)
    • (Sigh.)
    • “I can not save you.
    • “I can’t even save myself.
    • “So just save yourself.”
    • Still did not get around to that Hollywood rant.
    • Tomorrow!
    • Maybe.
    • Confession: I’m not sure how I’m going to go back to writing the sanitized version of these after I go back to work.
    • Also, how fucking early am I going to have to get up to write the ones for you guys?
    • Tomorrow’s problems!

  • What a Load of Crap

    What a Load of Crap

    • Might be a short one.
    • I write about cars a lot.
    • Used to love them.
    • Now I kinda hate them.
    • Which started with the Mini.
    • The car that put me in a massive debt hole.
    • I’m still paying for repairs on that car.
    • I haven’t owned it since 2018.
    • Traded it for the Subaru, which has been a pretty good car.
    • At least until February.
    • Took it in for a tune-up after the trip to the Mayo.
    • The tune-up resulted in the engine blowing.
    • I left out some mechanic trips in the middle, but, ah, there you go.
    • I finally got it back last Friday.
    • Had not visibly seen it since March.
    • This morning, I started it to go to my infusion clinic visit at St. Francis.
    • Check Engine light.
    • GFD.
    • I shut it off, went back in the house and got Steph’s keys, drove the Pilot to the appt.
    • On the way, someone turned out in front of me, close enough I had to lock up the brakes to not hit them.
    • I honked.
    • They stopped their car in the road in front of me, rolled down their window, and flipped me off.
    • What in the fuck is the matter with people?
    • Especially driving.
    • Selfishness?
    • Complete lack of road awareness?
    • I had to tell the nurse not to take my blood pressure for a while.
    • Now I … don’t want to write.
    • I’m doing it anyway.
    • Because habits don’t do themselves.
    • Is it hard for everyone to pull out of a bad mood nosedive?
    • Is that just me?
    • Could be just me.
    • Systemic exacerbation.
    • A bad habit of easy provocation.
    • The comfort of habitualized anger and frustration.
    • (I made up a word there, apparently.)
    • (WTFE. Shakespeare did it all the time.)
    • (Not that I’m Shakespeare.)
    • If you’re easily provoked, you’re easily manipulated.
    • Which, you know, everyone is trying to do to us these days.
    • I dislike the thought of being manipulated.
    • Another anger trigger.
    • Life’s hard, y’all.
    • NP: Metallica, “The Outlaw Torn.”
    • I know fans revolted when they released Load.
    • It fostered a time when it was not cool to be a Metallica fan.
    • I listened to that album a lot.
    • Still do.
    • (Eagerly awaiting the re-mastered edition that comes out this week.)
    • Came out the June after I graduated from OSU.
    • Some of those songs are so damn good.
    • “Bleeding Me”
    • “Hero of the Day”
    • “The Outlaw Torn”
    • Not metal.
    • So?
    • Everyone crying about them not making another Master of Puppets.
    • Braver as an artist to make what you want instead of trying to please the fans over and over again.
    • They’re making the music, not you.
    • You don’t have to like it.
    • Don’t have to listen.
    • Anyway.
    • That’s ranty.
    • The … she’s not a nurse, really, but the woman who always takes my blood pressure, when taking it the first time today (was high, obviously) asked me if I liked tools.
    • “What?”
    • “Your shirt.”
    • “Oooh. No that’s one of my bands.”
    • “What?”
    • “Tool. They’re a band.”
    • “There’s a band named Tool?”
    • She’s older. I could see her not knowing.
    • But then, the nurse re-doing my dressing, and younger than me, said, “Oh, I did not know that either.”
    • …
    • I mean, put me in the home already I guess?
    • Goddammit.
    • You know what?
    • I don’t care.
    • Embrace the aging.
    • Do not go gentle, right?
    • (I’m going to beat that dead horse. It’s part of the tattoo plan, which Steph added to recently.)
    • (More excitement. I just have to talk the hematologist into it.)
    • Watched Sinners last night.
    • Not bad.
    • I think Jordan overacts a bit.
    • But wasn’t bad.
    • Vampires and a bit of Southern Gothic magic.
    • The end-credit scene might’ve been better than the movie.
    • Kaia dug it.
    • Wanted to talk about it when it was finished.
    • Apparently she always wants to talk about movies she likes.
    • Gotta push her to do it.
    • C’mon, kid, out with your opinions!
    • Unleash the hounds!
    • We had a good talk.
    • Even as she liked it a lot, she picked it to pieces.
    • The evaluator/critic is strong in her.
    • Proud dad moment.
    • Been a lot of those lately.
    • The outline for her … fan-fiction epic is like 90-pages long?
    • Not going to get hung up on what comes next when she’s writing.
    • We’ve had a lot of creative progress around here lately.
    • Don’t want to talk about the no-hitter much.
    • Strange things are afoot …
    • Discord thing of the week so far: “We don’t trust those who don’t think in movie quotes.”
    • I will get back on that horse.
    • Your life would be shit without creatives doing what they do.
    • They should be paid properly and accorded the credit they deserve.
    • That’s a List Motif, btw, since a lot of you are newish and playing the home game.
    • Do not take art in any form for granted.
    • It’s hard to create, no matter the form.
    • It enriches our lives.
    • Makes them bearable.
    • Better.
    • It should be celebrated, and creators rewarded.
    • If we’re not doing that …
    • I’m out.
    • Have the Tuesday you deserve.

    And I still haven’t written about Hollywood being creatively chickenshit … Sigh. Still on the TBW list.

  • “… In a Burger King Bathroom …”

    “… In a Burger King Bathroom …”

    • So this happened.
    • Made sliders for dinner on the griddle.
    • Retired to the tv room.
    • We have one of those L-shaped sectionals.
    • The kid occupies the corner.
    • She’s the “corner troll.”
    • She’s working on the plot and structure of her fan fiction novel.
    • Steph took one side, feet facing the kid, and surfing whatever app she surfs when she’s on her phone.
    • Some cursed Meta product probably.
    • I have no idea.
    • I think she was surfin’ the ‘gram.
    • A snippet of “Wild Thing” blared out.
    • It wasn’t Tone.
    • Someone’s modern redo.
    • I found the original on Spotify.
    • Because sometimes, when you hear a snippet, it demands the real thing.
    • Know what I mean?
    • And then I played Biz’s “Just a Friend.”
    • And then … well, we’ll see. It’s still happening. I’m writing it past tense, but as it is happening.
    • (Narrative time travel is a common occurrence in the safe-for-work List.)
    • Kaia said, “Is it almost over?”
    • I gotta do Young MC next.
    • And then maybe Too Short (“Life is …”
    • Maybe some Kool Moe Dee (“Wild Wild West”)
    • LL Cool J (“Going Back to Kali”)
    • Run DMC (“It’s Tricky”)
    • Sir Mix-A-Lot (“Posse on Broadway”)
    • Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock!! (“It Takes Two”)
    • Digital Underground (“Humpty Dance”)
    • N.W.A. (“Straight Outta Compton”)
    • Ict T (“Colors”)
    • Public Enemy! (“Fight the Power”)
    • I put in my earbuds after Biz.
    • I mean, damn, “Humpty Dance” still slays.
    • That bassline. So good.
    • Even on the ear pods.
    • I’ll eat up all your crackers and your licorice.
    • Heh.
    • Man, rappers were not shy about rapping about sex, were they?
    • I thought my childhood was a bastion of prudish censorship.
    • PMRC, right?
    • We Did have Two Live Crew, though, and my memory is for shit.
    • DEAR LORT, WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
    • The right earbud just stopped playing sound.
    • (Insert Darth Vader’s “Noooooooo” soundbite here.)
    • I have troubleshot it for 30 minutes.
    • No dice.
    • Fuck.
    • I can’t wear the Heavys because they’ll crush my not-healed skull!
    • I could go get the bone conductors, I suppose.
    • But people can hear that, and the sound is garbage compared to the Pixel buds.
    • I may be desperate.
    • Okay, I am.
    • I am desperate.
    • Nooooooooo.
    • I donned the Shokz.
    • And now “Jam on It” is playing.
    • Francis and I played the hell out of this song.
    • It’s what was available.
    • We also listened to Kraftwerk.
    • A lot.
    • But lots of early rap.
    • Hell, we played “Funky Cold Medina” in James’s LeMans just to hear the bass.
    • (Because he had a subwoofer in a box that took up half the back seat, obviously.)
    • (That song … is about dosing girls’ drinks? The hell, man.)
    • (These damn headphones have no bass.)
    • (What is the point of that?)
    • (I gotta go try the Pixel buds again … maybe they’ve had a change of status, decided to suck less.)
    • I’m screwed in the zombie apocalypse is what I’m saying.
    • You, me, and the Starbucks girl have already discussed that.
    • You couldn’t even wrap yourself in solar chargers because none of the music services would be functioning.
    • All you’d have are the songs you’ve downloaded to your device.
    • And even then, those scurvy shyster bastards probably have code that won’t let you play the music if you don’t tag into the server on occasion.
    • I do not own a discman anymore.
    • See?
    • This is what happens when you have my brain, and it did this before the tumor.
    • Why am I not playing the music through the laptop speakers?
    • Well, the sound is okay, but not great.
    • It would annoy the kid.
    • Maybe Steph, too.
    • Trying to be considerate.
    • But goddammit, I need my music.
    • Please don’t stop the, please don’t stop the music …
    • This is how I lose it.
    • …
    • See?
    • Not metal all the time.
    • Most the time.
    • But not all the time.
    • That Rihanna song is on a playlist.
    • Heard it today.
    • Well, yesterday.
    • It’s only today for me.
    • It’ll be yesterday for you.
    • Tomorrow, currently.
    • Yes, I hunted down an ‘80s hip-hop playlist.
    • I can’t remember all of these, but I know ‘em when I hear ‘em.
    • I know all the words to so many of these songs.
    • By heart.
    • I’m on a mission, you better just listen …
    • What the hell have I done.
    • Maybe this will be the theme of the week.
    • I’m going to bring up all the earworms from our GenX youth.
    • Maybe tomorrow tomorrow, we’ll get neck-deep in hair metal.
    • You’re safe in some regards.
    • You know I’m not wading into that pop music bullshit.
    • I only post things on Facebook to people on my Friends list.
    • I do not share with the world in that place.
    • I do on the blog, but its viewing potential is smaller.
    • Why?
    • Because I generally don’t want to deal with the bots, trolls, and assholes of the world.
    • I gotta get over that.
    • You don’t build an audience by catering to the one you already have.
    • I need to build a larger audience to enact pieces of The Plan.
    • Mostly targeted at GenXers and early Millennials, obviously.
    • Taking advantage of those shared life experiences and nostalgia.
    • Like, no one who wears a fucking flat-billed ballcap is going to buy into my bullshit, you know?
    • We debated with a couple about that at a pizza place once.
    • Were there for someone’s birthday.
    • Bro had one of those on.
    • Him in his flat-bill, me in my “dad cap.”
    • I thought he looked stupid.
    • That’s me being judgmental, which we talked about last week.
    • My opinion’s irrelephant.
    • You do you.
    • Have a Monday.

  • Too Old. Too Old to Begin the Training.

    Too Old. Too Old to Begin the Training.

    • Time.
    • More often than not, when I’m writing these things, one thought naturally comes after another.
    • However, that means a lot of the time, I don’t end up talking about the originating idea.
    • I mentioned time the other day.
    • The specter in my head.
    • Tick, tock, right?
    • Like, I feel all the time I’m running out of it.
    • Wasting it.
    • Sitting on the couch, staring at the screen on that goddamn phone, flipping past all manner of irrelevant ephemera.
    • The hell am I doing?
    • If I don’t get the book finished now, it’s going to be too late.
    • Why am I not spending every available moment writing the book?
    • Because fear and anxiety are monsters, that’s why.
    • Life requires daily bravery.
    • Stepping up to punch your demons in the face on the regular.
    • Most people don’t have it in them, I don’t think.
    • The comfort of normal is an Odyssean siren’s call.
    • The devil you know speaks inactivity into your mind, all the time.
    • The evils of comfort.
    • Growth sprouts from activity and change.
    • Inactivity does stuff like throw your back out, which happened to me this morning as I dug through a drawer looking for my Last Crusade blu-ray, which apparently I don’t actually own.
    • I was damn sure I had the trilogy on disc.
    • Apparently not?
    • The hell.
    • Screw your subscriptions!
    • ….
    • Where the hell was I?
    • The anxious brain is a curse, is what I’m saying.
    • And time is your most valuable resource.
    • Not money.
    • And yet we let other people determine the value of our hours.
    • Some bullshit right there.
    • Do not go gentle.
    • All morning I’ve been in the Discord chatting.
    • Hours of good stuff, honestly.
    • We had conversations about books, careers, sports, movies, video games (and the lack of playing), and poor people food.
    • A lot of us grew up poorish, so we ate things our parents’ income could afford.
    • Like Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese.
    • Or bologna and American cheese sandwiches.
    • And cheap chips.
    • Guys.
    • Most of you know what I’m talking about.
    • Childhood comfort food.
    • Then there’s “cockamamie.”
    • Blame Upton for that one, but we did get Jerm’s art out of that deal.
    • I know, I know.
    • You’re lacking context.
    • This is the other part of the introversion conversation I started the other day.
    • Just because you’re introverted does not mean you don’t need people.
    • Kinda?
    • Maybe it’s just me.
    • But between reconnecting with a bunch of my high school crew, writing these lists to foster and create community, and the Discord server, I’m better understanding the need for connection with people.
    • Talking to you people, even with the cyber-arms distance of all this, has been kind of invigorating?
    • Only because I know you.
    • But still.
    • I enjoy talking about things I’m into, you know?
    • And also having those conversations about shared experiences, and differing perspectives.
    • That was kinda the part I enjoyed as a journalist.
    • The learning about other people and not having to share.
    • Again, I know.
    • The fuck do I think I’m doing here if not sharing?
    • Ah, there’s that swearing part again.
    • It is a sign of intelligence.
    • I have read the research on that.
    • Because, you know, confirmation bias.
    • But the research does confirm it.
    • Fuckin a right it does.
    • Heh.
    • These Black Lists are less about fun, aren’t they?
    • Jerm did remind me Last Crusade was on Disney+, so it’s playing quietly.
    • “I didn’t trust her. Why did you?”
    • I have several questions for you today.
    • Like, what would it take to make a mini-city populated by “our” people as we get closer to retirement?
    • Sure, it would be a Venn diagram, because we all have people outside of here, you know?
    • But … how cool would that be?
    • I always read about those tiny house compounds of friend groups.
    • And, you know, actual compounds built around abandoned missile silos.
    • How do we craft lives more like what we actually want?
    • Second question, and this one’s right out of the Discord server … if you could have the power of one of Marvel’s mutants, which would it be?
    • I’d have to do a list.
    • This, but if not this, then that.
    • 1) Wolverine’s healing factor
    • 2) Nightcrawler’s teleportation
    • 3) Forge’s ability to invent and build anything
    • 4) All of Longshot’s powers, but especially his “good luck”
    • I don’t want any of that mind-reading stuff.
    • Though Jean’s telekinesis would be badass.
    • And Psylocke’s psychic katana …
    • But, you know, that has limited use in our world because you can’t run around killing people, you know?
    • Not yet.
    • We’ll see how this ICE bullshit plays out.
    • Goddamn nazis running our country.
    • I mean, the fucking Proud Boys are suing the govt for $100m for … what? Because they’re playing into the bullshit that they did NOT try to pull off an insurrection?
    • …
    • They did.
    • That happened.
    • Do not believe the revisionist agenda.
    • I mean, wtaf.
    • All those motherfuckers should still be in prison.
    • And, btw, Hitler did the exact same thing when he took power.
    • Learn from history, or suffer the consequences of repeating it.
    • Not where I meant to go today.
    • Heh.
    • Like I said, the Stream has a mind of its own.
    • You’d fix things like this on the second draft, but … we don’t do that here.
    • I barely go back and edit.
    • These could be better, is what I’m saying.
    • And this one’s long.
    • (I thought about editing out the “political” rant but screw it. There are things happening we cannot let become normal. And yet … )
    • I actually meant to rant about movies, specifically Hollywood’s chickenshit tendency to do remakes instead of original films.
    • I have a cool meme to go with that.
    • A good quote from Ursula.
    • Or Margaret.
    • Tomorrow I guess.
    • (Predicting a low reader turn out today. I can’t write about the brain thing all the time. There are other things going on up there.)
    • Heh.
    • High five.

  • Might Be the Wrong Audience for This One

    Might Be the Wrong Audience for This One

    • Been a day.
    • 3 o’clock and I’m only now getting to type.
    • Tick, tock, mfers.
    • I think about time incessantly.
    • Post surgery, sitting there in that bed trying to get my wits about me, I had an awakening.
    • Paradigm shift, if I’m using some of that fancy self-help vernacular.
    • But it did happen.
    • The past three years, if I’m being honest, have been a deep, dark hole.
    • I had reduced my timeline from 20ish more years to five, 10 if I was lucky.
    • I thought a lot about leaving the kid unready to face the world.
    • Of not being here for my tiny family.
    • The hurt.
    • The loss.
    • And no small amount of fear of my own.
    • When the Mayo can’t give you an answer, it seems dire.
    • Hard not to feel the weight of uncertainty.
    • Hard not to let it feel imminent.
    • If you have never had chronic pain, you have no idea what it takes from you.
    • The amount of energy needed to function.
    • The world expects you to carry on.
    • Yeah, you hurt.
    • Tough shit.
    • Go to work.
    • You are only worth your work.
    • Produce, plebe.
    • Again, the toll.
    • I’m not trolling for empathy here.
    • I don’t talk about this shit.
    • Did not really talk about it to anyone, other than the basics.
    • There’s a thing.
    • It hurts.
    • They don’t know what it is.
    • Tick tock.
    • It’s like the scene in Krull when the wizard takes the sand from the hourglass to escape the spider’s web.
    • (Stay with me. I know we’re still on the week’s darker path, but there is light …)
    • Had the MRI on Monday.
    • Talked to the Mayo docs yesterday.
    • Everything is shrinking.
    • The antibiotics are working.
    • They’ve ruled out cancer.
    • They no longer think it’s auto-immune.
    • They think I’ve had a years long infection that got into my brain.
    • Might be one of those situations where I had one infection that allowed another to flourish.
    • But my Neuro Immunologist was geeked out about the MRI.
    • We had a super positive conversation.
    • Three more weeks on the antibiotics.
    • Another MRI.
    • But … OMG hope?
    • I dislike hope.
    • Moderation.
    • We’re not there yet.
    • But the way out seems through.
    • I don’t even know what to do with this, honestly.
    • I’m still sorta on house arrest.
    • Three more weeks with the PICC.
    • The skull’s still not quite there.
    • Clicky.
    • Breathe.
    • I mean, I might have a wicked scar, but in mere months, I might have a normal life back.
    • Holy shit.
    • Which brings me back to that paradigm shift.
    • I’m done letting other people control my future.
    • Sitting here letting someone decide what I do day-to-day.
    • What I get to make.
    • How far I get to go in my “career.”
    • Done with it.
    • Time’s a wasting.
    • It’s going to be hard, to keep from reverting to old patterns and habits.
    • However, like Agent Smith, I must get out of this place.
    • Why do we do this?
    • Why do we agree to it?
    • I know my why.
    • Do you know yours?
    • Financial insecurity based on how I grew up.
    • Too long has it dominated my decision matrix.
    • No more.
    • Won’t be easy, but you know what else I’ve learned through all this?
    • Hard ain’t no thing.
    • I beat shit I shouldn’t all the time.
    • I’m betting you do, too.
    • And honestly, I’m too smart and too good for what I’ve settled.
    • I know how arrogant that sounded.
    • I dgaf anymore.
    • And I’m bringing anyone with me who wants to come.
    • I’ve shortchanged myself, and that shit is changing.
    • I can’t believe I’m typing any of this, honestly.
    • I’ve been going to work for three years with a brain tumor and winning awards.
    • The hell, man.
    • That sentence is insanity.
    • What are we capable of with no obstacles?
    • What can we do when we’re encouraged and impassioned?
    • I’m not even high right now.
    • And there’s a goddamn Taylor Swift song playing.
    • (Not all obstacles are large.)
    • Sweary.
    • Again, that’s who I really am.
    • Sorry not sorry?
    • Hey, all.
    • What’s happening?
    • What’ve you got planned this weekend?
    • I’m not throwing that out there.
    • The weekend’s wide open.
    • I have stuff to do.
    • Some of it’s even fun.
    • Plans to make.
    • People to talk to.
    • Ah.
    • That was the normal subject matter I wanted to hit.
    • That whole introvert/extrovert thing.
    • I’m a bit of both.
    • Totally introverted around people I don’t know.
    • Like working a room?
    • Forget about it.
    • I do, however, deal with my awkwardness with random conversations.
    • I’m not introverted at all around people I know.
    • Quite the opposite.
    • A good side effect of the awkward compensation activity … I do not treat people bad in public ever.
    • I’m talking cashiers, waiters, hostesses, the mail dudes, FedEx.
    • I go out of my way to be nice.
    • And it pisses me off when I see others being rude, impatient, mean, and inconsiderate to them.
    • (Idealist, remember?)
    • Like, honestly, the fuck is your problem?
    • You have no idea what they’re going through.
    • You’re not better than anyone else.
    • You have no idea how much good fortune has shaped your reality.
    • That’s also at the root of the perspective shift.
    • Be better than you yesterday.
    • Stop comparing yourself to other people to measure your progress or self-worth.
    • Empathy for yourself, empathy for others.
    • With that, you can change the world.
    • Yours and everyone else’s.
    • Happy to be here.
    • Happy you’re all here.
    • Thanks for being part of my life.
    • Make your weekend count.
    • Out.
  • Layin’ it Down

    Layin’ it Down

    • Now Playing: The Pixies, “Where is my mind?”
    • I still have the “Liked Songs” playlist rolling.
    • Theme of the week I guess.
    • A leitmotif of sorts.
    • I stuck my earbuds in, said, “I gotta have music while I write, so … wave at me.”
    • Steph might’ve rolled her eyes.
    • I write these from the couch with my cup of coffee, laptop on a lapboard, “computer glasses” perched on my nose.
    • And right now, the Pixies asking, “where is my mind?”
    • I can tell you, it’s trying to avoid writing another ranting manifesto.
    • I could do one about work and our lives of indentured servitude, but I’ve been doing that one since like year 2000.
    • True story.
    • We have a broad array of music taste in the Discord server.
    • They’re in there talking about jam bands.
    • Never my thing.
    • I’m glad it exists and makes some people happy, however.
    • Based on what I wrote yesterday, I’m reevaluating my judgmentalism.
    • To each their own, right?
    • That’s a life-guiding philosophy.
    • You can dislike a thing and not …
    • Hell, I’m never going to be able to give country music a pass.
    • Or those giant goddamn trucks.
    • Ahhhhhh.
    • Life is hard, y’all.
    • What I’m saying is that judgment is inherent to our beings, maybe?
    • What you do with it, however, is what sets you apart, good and bad.
    • “I don’t know. I’m making it up as I go.”
    • That’s probably my real mantra.
    • I can’t pull off the fedora, however.
    • NP: Audioslave, “Cochise.”
    • Holy hell, I LOVE the opening of that song.
    • OSU did one of their first pre-game videos to that song.
    • Made me want to suit up and flying tackle someone.
    • (I actually worked for the athletic department when they got the first video boards in Boone Pickens.)
    • I actually spent three hours interviewing Boone for the cover story for POSSE mag.
    • We sat in the kitchen of his … house at Karsten Creek.
    • They’ve been milking pieces of that interview for years.
    • Guy told good stories.
    • Had charisma.
    • I actually got to go to his ranch with the athletic department.
    • Holy hell, man.
    • He had a … hotel for guests, and then you drove 20 minutes to his house, which had a roman aqueduct, a wine cave, and glass floor where you could watch the water from the aqueduct flow into the 15-foot deep koi ponds that formed a terrace in the … back yard?
    • Got to trap shoot while we were there.
    • I’d never shot a shotgun before, but I hit more shots than anyone.
    • All that FPS Halo training.
    • Shoulder was bruised to hell.
    • Worth it.
    • I like shooting.
    • Always have.
    • There are some things you can’t avoid growing up in Oklahoma, I guess.
    • How did I become a half a step from being ANTIFA living here?
    • Blame college, right?
    • Made me woke?
    • /eye_roll
    • I’ve mentioned this before, but I write these lists for a couple of reasons.
    • First, compulsion.
    • Second, community.
    • Third, to give you people something to read that’s not algorithmic bullshit.
    • I’m repeating myself.
    • I still believe in the submerged power of the Internet to connect people instead of dividing them.
    • (Playlist just went from Rusted Root to Tool.)
    • (Awwww yisssss).
    • Like, for instance, while I’m typing, I’m talking to my friends about coffee.
    • Jay said, “Pray for me, guys. I’m having to drink Keurig coffee at work. I apparently didn’t consume enough of the good stuff back at the house.”
    • And then we got into the whole coffee debate.
    • I’ll drink shitty coffee when I have to.
    • But … “I get the gourmet shit because I want to taste it.”
    • I don’t drink black coffee yet, but when I do, I like espresso blends.
    • DID YOU KNOW … contrary to popular belief, a good espresso blend is less bitter than a lighter roast?
    • Not if you’re buying that Starbucks shit at the store.
    • I have to be careful here.
    • I have opinions, but not enough concrete data to back it up.
    • We have a coffee subscription.
    • (Until the tariffs and economy crash take it away, anyway.)
    • Trade Coffee.
    • We’ve had some spectacular beans from there.
    • Squirrel!
    • What I love about modern tech is its ability to keep you connected.
    • The whole coffee conversation with the guys.
    • The Discord server.
    • All manner of group text threads.
    • Facebook messages.
    • The direct stuff.
    • Community is key to longevity.
    • That and lifting weights.
    • Which I’m dying to get back to btw.
    • My Oura ring telling me I’m a year older than my age …
    • Fuck you, ring.
    • I was younger before the surgery.
    • I cannot abide this sedentary nonsense while doing the meds!
    • Sigh.
    • I’ve got virtual Mayo appts today to determine the course of things.
    • Keep your fingers crossed.
    • We know things are working, mind you.
    • We just don’t know what else they want to do.
    • Anyway.
    • Not a cry for sympathy.
    • I don’t do that.
    • DO NOT GO GENTLE.
    • NP: Anthrax, “Crush.”
    • Don’t think all I have on this playlist is metal, because it is sure not true.
    • Charlie’s drums in “Crush” are amazing, btw.
    • Anthrax is so much better than Megadeth.
    • Dave can suck it.
    • (Not our Dave. Dave Mustain.)
    • (Who’s still crying about being kicked out of Metallica 40+ years later.)
    • NP: Ratt, “Lay it Down.”
    • What the hell.
    • I really clicked Like on that song?
    • …
    • No accounting for taste, I guess.
    • Not even mine.
    • Remember, don’t listen to me.
    • You do you.
    • Out!